I am ok, but have questions.
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| Tue, 07-27-2010 - 8:00am |
Hi all,
As I head into my 8th week of NC, I am surprised at how well I am doing. Over 10 weeks ago when xMM's W had second Dday, I was a mess. I lived in panic my H would find out, and thought I could not bear to be without xMM. The addiction was strong for me and I admit the ending was not pretty, nor what happened the first couple of weeks.
Once I decided to truly go NC and rid myself of all reminders, closed email accounts, blocked cell phone numbers, avoided a certain side of town....well, it was like xMM never existed. I have memories and thoughts pop up from time to time, but never like they did in the beginning. I don't miss the A. I don't really feel much about xMM now. When I think about xMM, it feels surreal, almost like it didn't happen. I know the A happened, but its like I'm reviewing an out of body experience, where you're watching it (okay, thinking about it), but you're really not sure you are a part of it. Does this MAKE SENSE to anyone????
Since the A ended, I have invested so much more time and effort into my M. I have made H my number one priority. I have also put more effort into my kids too. Since they are older, they don't need the day to day care as they once did when they were younger, but I am there for them more emotionally.
I have also stopped going to the T that gave me me a bad suggestion on how to handle the end of the A, so I have been pretty much muddling through on my own with the wonderful help of this board. Should I still look for a new T?
Since I have turned my life around, and looking at my glass of life as half full rather than half empty, I am happier for what I have and not what I lost or thought I might have in the future with xMM. With these changes in my attitude, life seems to be falling into place. I had a job interview yesterday, offered another part time job at the end of last week.
I am also no longer angry about my life and what it wasn't like. Funny, but I so much wanted to fit into my xMM's life (like a round peg fitting into a square hole) and when I finally accepted the fact that I need to focus on the life I have, a lot of the anger is gone. Questions for a T I guess, am I making peace with my life and moving forward with it or am I burying things deep because I can't or won't change them?
Anyway, just thought I'd post as to how I was handling things. Would love to hear from veterans if they experienced similar feelings on their journey OUT of the A. THANKS.
MO

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MO -
I love your photo! It makes me want a drink with an umbrella in it :)
<<<<< When I think about xMM, it feels surreal, almost like it didn't happen. I know the A happened, but its like I'm reviewing an out of body experience, where you're watching it (okay, thinking about it), but you're really not sure you are a part of it. Does this MAKE SENSE to anyone????>>>>>
At only 5 wks, I can tell you I feel the same way sometimes - and it's very strange that someone can be 150% in your life, sucking everything out of it, and poof - gone the next minute. It really shows the tremendous effort that goes into having an A, doesn't it?
I'm so glad you're doing well and moving forward! Regarding therapy - that's such a personal thing, I think it's up to you whether you need to continue. With the right T, it sure doesn't hurt.
:)
Bodhi
Thanks Bodhi,
Glad to know I am not alone in my thoughts.
Still wondering about T? Yes, its true a personal choice. Could T help me understand more why I got into the A or help me prevent it from happening again by not getting into the same pitfalls and self esteem issues?
Thanks about the photo...ahhh, 25 years ago I took a trip before I got married with my gf to Hawaii. It was fun and ran across that photo recently!
MO
MovingON
MO -
A T can definitely help you understand the "whys". But only you can prevent yourself from falling into the hole. I've been in T on and off since I was a teenager. I know exactly where my problems are. Even in the very beginning of the A, I knew what attracted me to XAP and what I thought I was getting from him.
Self-esteem is something that we constantly have to work on, whether with a T, or by just doing what is right in our lives. You've already noticed that with your change in attitude, things seem to be falling in place. Have your read the book The Secret? That's what it's all about - the power of positive thinking.
Bodhi
Hi MO-
I'm just curious, what was the bad advice your T gave you? I've loved my therapist, but she is giving me some advice right now that this board is strongly against, so it is a little confusing when that happens. She thinks it would be nice to stay friends with my xAP and meet him for lunch once in a while. What's the advice you are getting? Is it that? I mean, my xAP was a nice guy and can be of great help to my career in the future...and he wants to stay friends too...so I haven't quite yet figured out what I am going to do there. We had lunch last week and it was fine...so I still am debating that one.
Thanks...
MO50 and Living,
Being able to recognize that not all Ts are worth the $$ you're giving them is a level of understanding that I'm really glad you both possess. I would strong suggest continuing T with someone who shares your values and basic core believes and ditching the hacks who are giving you bad advice.
Living, I'm curious. What is the reasoning your T would give you the advice to stay friends with X? What does she/he think could possibly be the benefit to you for doing this?? It sounds like outlandishly foolish and dangerous, destructive guidance.
Good luck to both of you,
Dee
Hi LFT,
The bad advice...okay, here it goes. When my A was ended, and not by my choice, xMM called me up and told me it was over, never loved me and 'we' never would happen, all with his W listening near. He then told me I needed to apologize to his W and handed the phone to her. I proceeded to apologize for 45 minutes and answered truthfully the questions she asked me. This was the 2nd day for us, all found out by his wife. Our A ended, a few months of NC then started up again and lasted for two years. We never had sex, but it was still physical. At the point when I was apologizing to xMM's W I was tired of the game, tired of lying, so did not do as xMM instructed in an email he managed to get to me and to say we never met, only texted, emailed, never physical, never talked about this and that, but I decided to answer truthfully. Later that resulted in a couple of angry phone calls from xMM asking me why I lied about stuff. THAT got me angry.
I told T all about this situation, and told her I had saved all the emails (over 200) and wanted to send several to xMM's W because I was tired of being blamed for the entire A. xMM told his W it was all my doing, he never had feelings for me, yada yada...so T, said yes, you should mail them to xMM's W and let her know what her H is really all about. So, without using the 48 hour rule, they went to xMM's W. They were emails all from him professing his love for me, how he made the first moves, how he wanted to share a life with me, etc.
Of course that gave her more ammunition to go to my H, and to date she hasn't. Not one of my best moments, and of course, it got worse. Because she now had proof of the A, she wanted to meet with me. I was afraid not to because she held the threat of going to my H. I did meet with her for over two hours and she fired away questions. Of course these questions she asked all involved things I had done (again, not my best moments, but done in the true spirit and lust of an A) so my answers only incriminated me. I said yes, I did those things, and gathered from what she asked me, that she did NOT know that her H did the same things and even more. I only answered what was asked.
T said it was good to let xMM's W know what he was really about and she suspected from our sessions together, that it was not xMM's first A. Anyway, I should've let go of my anger, thought of what I was doing and in hindsight, would not have done what I did. But, in another aspect, it completely severed the ties between me and xMM because he is so angry I did that. I haven't had any communication with him, but his W said he never wants to see or talk with me again. I wonder if I hadn't done that perhaps xMM would've contacted me again after the smoke died down and tried again for round three of the A. Don't know, doesn't matter. It's over for good.
So, that is what happened.....
MovingON
Wow - thanks for filling me in...yeah, that may have not been great advice. It's hard when you really like and trust your therapist, and are in a vulnerable and emotionally stirring time to know when the advice is good or not. It's like we go to them because we can't see clearly ourselves and are "pating" for them to see clearly for us. I would have done that to if she told me to. I don't know, I am seeing her again soon for marital advice too...she has seen me for so long and been through all of this, it seems it would take a long time - and money - to get where I am now with another therapist, KWIM?
Thanks for sharing - good luck to you...I think this board is some good therapy, by the way. The Healing Library is awesome.
LFT
Are you saying that the T advice wasn't good because MM is mad that you "outed" him. I think the T advice was good because it accomplished two things. 1) You probably won't have to worry about MM contacting you again because he sees that you are no longer going to be his doormat and hide his little secret (you) from his W. He knows now that you are not going to cover for him and you respect yourself more than lying for him. If he is mad, then he is only mad because he tried to trick and use you and his W and you called him on his bad behavior (and yours). If he writing you in secret about how much he loves you blah, blah, blah then why not let his W know that he is in love with someone else instead of stringing her along.
2) This is probably the first time you didn't allow him to manipulate you to get what he wants. It sounds like he has been "bullying" you around for a long time making you lie to his W to save his sorry butt.
You did good. I admire you for doing it. I know you may be disappointed that MM is mad at you but look at the strength you displayed in not enabling him (and you) to betray your spouses behind your back. Good for you for sticking up for himself.
I like that T, she is showing you how to empower yourself and not giving Mr. spoiled MM what he wants.
Hey Mom,
Nope, not at all worried that xMM is mad at me. Could care less really. His W made it a point to tell me how he angry he was with me for whatever reason, perhaps to reinforce it was over and would not be a round three.
I am still worried that one day she will snap and go to my H with all that she knows. Hopefully she destroyed the emails. I can't worry about it. What is done is done and will live with the consequences especially since I am the one who did wrong and had the A. I will just have to deal with it, if it comes to that with my H.
And yes, I agree with you, it did permanently burn the bridge. Before I met with xMM's W, and before I was thrown under the bus to apologize, he sent me an email telling me what I should and shouldn't admit too. He did this the FIRST time around too, what I should say and not say.
I decided when she found out AGAIN with the 2nd Dday it was probably going to go public to all, and decided then and there to STOP lying and just admit the truth. I did and when xMM accused me of telling lies that we had met, had been physical, never talked about personal issues, I got ANGRY. This anger my T saw. I told her what I wanted to do with the emails, perhaps it was more like 'revenge' at the time, but she told me to act upon it.
<>
Yeah, that is what really STUNG. He said he wanted it all out in the open, he was done with M, but when it exploded in our faces, he threw me under the bus and went back to the W. All he told me was lies. Oh well, I learned a HUGE lesson.
I am stronger and I will survive the A. And I won't go down that path again. No way. No how.
MO
MovingON
Moving,
I think the T gave you horrid advice. Horrid.
If T wants to be mixed up in X and his W's live, she should bring THEM in for counseling. Involving you and encouraging you to take the focus off of your issues to further engage the X -- chick should lose her license. Your T has a high-school drama level of relating and her method of dealing with an A and an A-ending is way off base.
I know I'm opinionated but I try to be fairly modulated... but, here, I cannot. Your therapist needs to be ditched.
Dee
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