I am pathetic- Day 6 - I failed NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
I am pathetic- Day 6 - I failed NC
21
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 4:55am

Ok I am opening myself up here. I cant believe I freaking broke bloody NC! God Im so mad at myself and so worried I am not as strong as all of you. FCK! (Sorry). I texted him at 4 this afternoon (nearly made the whole day) and said 'This is so hard'. Of course he didnt respond.



I have tortured myself this evening about why did I do this? Why did I fish? How could

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 1:47pm

On BaggageReclaim.com, Natalie Lue is a big supporter of No Contact when it comes to bad relationships, affairs, ect.--in fact, she wrote a book about it--and she had a blog post one day called "Suck It and See."

She wasn't encouraging people who are doing No Contact to actually break contact, but she also knows that some people are gonna get weak, and her point of the blog was this:

If you DO break NC--as probably most of us did early on, by either fishing or responding to a fishing attempt--be sure you pay attention to the result. In other words, "suck it and see" . . . how did you feel when you re-engaged?

When you stuck your hand back in the fire (i.e. re-engaged with your XAP), did it still burn?

The answer is an unequivocal, yes!

When you try to feel better by going back to the source of your pain, you're just gonna find more pain.

I'll be honest, I probably had to "suck it and see" more than most because I tend to be a stubborn learner. VERY stubborn. Or a glutton for punishment. Either way, EVERY SINGLE TIME I put my hand back in the fire and re-engaged with XAP in any way, it burned. Again. And again.

You're not pathetic, like you wrote in your discussion title--not at all! You're human, and ending an A is rarely a perfect process.

Just remember the result of breaking NC . . . it hurt, didn't it? To send a text out into cyberspace and get nothing back. Ouch.

So, now you know :) And you'll pick yourself back up and get back on the NC path and know that no matter what, the fire is still gonna burn and your source of pain is still gonna hurt. Just chalk this one up as a hard lesson learned--and sometimes, we gotta learn the hard way before it sticks.

Cheering you on,

Juliette

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 2:02pm
I'll echo everyone else here and say this - you're not pathetic, you don't suck, you are not weak. Might have had a weak moment, but you and 'who/what you are' are not summed up in that moment.
Many of us here had fits and starts at ending, so you're not alone. Learn from this, don't use it as a way to beat yourself up...that doesn't help anyone. Especially since at the 'beginning of the end' we feel raw with emotion - angry, sad, regret, piling on a whole bunch of self-loathing isn't exactly going to help. I'm sure we've all done it (I know I have! So many times of 'gosh, how stupid can I be?!').
I know that it stings that xAP hasn't responded - but think of it this way, it's a blessing. What would have happened if he did respond? What could he possibly say that would make it okay? With the first two endings both myself and xAP would respond to the other, that's why we were never able to go more than a week of NC. He fished, but I was no better when I responded.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is - don't be too hard on yourself (though, it does look like you've taken this as a learning experience and you've come here for accountability, so that's good!), pick yourself up and keep on keepin' on

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:06am

Well, I still think you are a corker of a girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:33am

I am new here and I don't know your story but I have a couple observations. I find it ironic that you are the one feeling bad and embarrassed and hurt. I mean, I assume you contacted him because you care about him, love him and miss him? And that despite the pain he's caused you, the feelings for him are strong, right?

Contacting him was done out of these feelings not out of malice or wanting to hurt someone but a desire to connect with a man that you love and believed loved and cared about you? If I am way off base, then please tell me.

I don't see YOU as the weak person, I see HIM as weak. Selfish, too. The emotions that he brought out in you for his own gain don't just fade immediately. It's not that easy. And if he's a married man cheating on his wife and NOT doing it because he's in love then he's the one that should be embarrassed, not you.

I can understand YOU. You are in love. And he certainly did not dissaude you from that when it suited his purposes. You contacting him and struggling with losing him merely tells me you are not some
selfish, non feeling woman that had an affair "just for fun"

I don't know, as a wife myself, I would be more understanding of the OW if this was the case.it would be someone who would engage in a hurtful affair without having an emotional attachment that should be ashamed of themselves.

Love makes us vulnerable. Don't beat yourself up over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:13am

OK NMC, you say you are new here so i will be gentle !!



I assume you contacted him because you care about him, love him and miss him? And that despite the pain he's caused you, the feelings for him are strong, right?



IGS is not a victim here.



IGS has NO plans to leave her

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:04am

Hi all



Firstly thank you for all your supportive messages. There was no 'tough love' that I wasnt ready for- and hadnt dished out on myself. In fact NC's 'harden the f*ck' up is exactly what Ive been saying to myself.



NC- I should clarify though- I never asked for No Contact with him- and neither did he. In fact we agreed to stay friends but I knew he'd never contact me again as his ego wouldnt handle the fact that I ended it- and true to form- he hasnt fished- I did!



But whats hurting most is that he ignored my fishing attempt!! I know, I know that this is a blessing- but FCK it hurts to realise that I meant so little to him! Yes I know it was an A- but god my heart and stomach are just spasming over this today- its excruciatingly painful. I mean after EVERYTHING we shared and said over the past 18mths- he has accepted this all so amazingly smoothly and willingly. That by far has been the hardest part!!!



Yes I know- this is all part of my learning! What does it bloody matter that he has moved on- its just my addiction and ego that is crying out. But OMG it

You are what you consistently do
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 5:00pm
Well said, Iggy...
It is the "high" that we crave in these A's. My withdrawals are in the very early stages, I am only on Day 2 of complete and utter NC. Tomorrow will be the tough one. And like you and your XAP, me and my AP made a false promise to each other that we would be "just friends"...to pacify us and prevent me from just leaving his apt and slamming the door in his face. (which is what I felt like doing).
Usually, my Monday afternoons were spent at his apt since he lives close to where I work. I would just hang out there, even if he wasn't home. And what would I find myself doing? Cleaning his apt! As if I am his f*^*ing wife!! Anyway, recently he gave me a key to his apt. My thought was that I would go over there with that key tomorrow (I know he won't be home) and leave it there, take a few of my things that I have left there that are rightly mine, and leave the key behind. I had thought about leaving a note, too, but why bother? What do you all think of this? Does that violate NC for me? How else will I get my stuff and get his key back? I do not want his stupid key. Too much temptation with that one.
So, Iggy, I will be posting here regularly and I will do my best to plan my week of NC...one minute at a time! I really hope I don't fish at all. I am so thankful for all the support at EAS!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 5:17pm

WOW.



I don't even know what to say. Reading that mirrored what I am going through. I am only at one week no contact and I can't fricking breathe. I keep waiting for him to contact me, so I won't look like the weakling. My guy was the same, with the no return texts when I wrote something emo.. but, let me tell ya, fast on the trigger finger when I wrote something sexy. The dumb side of my brain is telling me to text something sexy to him to get my fix, but I know that later, I will be wallowing in my misery after its all said and done. This just sucks. Really. I feel ya. Don't beat yourself up. Well, lol.. you will anyway. Just know that one day this will be behind you. One day. Sigh.



Dang.. I feel ya. How did we get in this mess?



PS: Read my post.. on how mine ended. I was forced, by a family member to end it. I didn't even GET to end it myself. LOL. It just sucks.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 4:12am

Hi Misery and Ho'6.



I'll read your post Misery- Im happy to respond to anything. Im on EAS every day- its the only thing that keeps me going!



Heart of six- I dunno. Were the things you left there worth it? Im not sure what the EAS policy is on this one :)



Im still struggling with this- having crap days and better days. Im so hurt that he hasnt contacted me- I know he has been hurt and is angry. But I left the door open! The fact that he wont open the door is really fckg hurtful but I guess indicates that the A really was over.



God its painful



Iggyx



You are what you consistently do
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 8:30am
MY Male Point of View.
If it is just a bunch of stuff that you can live without, just leave it and go on with your life. Never give it a second thought, and just mail the key back with no note or anything to let him know anything. The message will be clear.
If it is of real value, (grandma's diamond ring) then go get it, and leave the key in plain site where he will find it, know you were there, and don't leave any note with anything on it. The message will still be clear.
There is no closure with notes. There is only false and stupid hope that one of you will come out of your NC fog and decide to continue the A.
You have to save yourself. There is no one else who can do it. This is the time. NOW!!!

We only miss what could have been.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.