I am so confused
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I am so confused
| Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:26pm |
Okay, here is my story...I never thought I would say this, but I am having an affair and I am so confused!!! To make a long story short...Two years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with my best friend. I was devastated. Not only because I would have never thought this would happen to me. But because of the betrayal from my husband and my best friend. We seperated and I wanted a divorce. My husband wanted to go to counseling and so we did. He wanted to try again, because he said he really loved me and was very sorry. Well, I would have never given him a second chance, but I figured I owed it to my daughter to try again. And besides, I have read all the literature about the effects that divorce has on children. Well, it has been over two years and I do not feel the same for my husband. I thought maybe the feelings would come back but they haven't. I have felt so alone and the pain has gotten less, but was always there until a several months back, a friend and I started having a affair. I have known this man for about 5 years and have always admired him for what a wonderful father he was. He has the same views regarding children and life as I. Well, now I am in love with this man. I think about him all the time. We see each other when we can, and talk or email almost every day. Well, to make matters worse, he is also married. He is only in his marriage because of his kids, too. We have talked about our situation, and we are both confused! We do not want to hurt our kids. But what are we to do? Do we stay in our marriages, so our kids have the best living situations? So do we not see each other for our kids? My husband has clearly tried to make up for his mistake. And to my knowledge has never had any more contact with my ex-best friend. And even though my husband has really tried to make it up to me, I can't seem to open up to him emotionally. I am not sure, if maybe I haven't given it enough time, or if I won't ever recover those feelings. Someone please give me some advice on what to do!!!!

You ask "what to do?"
I ask you: what choices going forward display your integrity? What actions will you choose that you can hold your head up with honor intact in the company of your children?
Staying with a husband "just for the kid's sake" shortchanges the children as well as yourself. Hence the affair you are currently in yourself. SOme marriages do NOT recover from an affair. Perhaps that is what your heart has been trying to tell you. Your sense of disappointment with your husband cannot be overcome by all of his current efforts.
It may be that living on your own provides you with the most honest and sincere approach to your situation.
Your children should live with the parent that provides the most stable environment for them. During my divorce my oldest daughter chose to live with me. Her mother tried to shame her into staying with her, however, my daughter knew in her heart that while she loves her mom, she really can't live her young adult life with her 24/7. Perhaps you are in a similar situation. Perhaps the children might thrive with your husband. Keep an open mind.
More money earned by a particular spouse does not automatically make them the better parent. Neither does gender. Frank conversations with your husband are needed. As is counseling for both of you. Separately and together.
The MM really should be cut loose so that you can focus on your life without distraction. You have important choices to make that affect your children's lives and your own. You need a clear head to think. MM triangulates your thinking without providing a rock-solid foundation for your future. Take a break from the MM.
And MM would be better off addressing his own marriage and its issues and either fixing his marriage or ending the marriage and moving on with his life.
You both need to come out of limbo land........
If you and MM really want a life together, then come together after the divorces are final and build one. AS single people you