I am so depressed – tell DH or not re: A

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
I am so depressed – tell DH or not re: A
28
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:28pm

I am really struggling today and I am of need of some support today. It’s my own fault though, because I am the one that cheated on her H. I don’t know why in the world I did what I did. What made me think it was ok to have an A? I know that the initial reasons were that my DH was a very angry man. It seemed to justify it all at the time. But I still can’t let go of the guilt and sickness I feel for what I have done. I don’t want to tell my DH because it would only crush him and just release my guilt.

I don’t want the easy way out, but is it best for my M that I come out with what I did? I heard so many different opinions on whether you should tell or not. Could someone here that is M tell me what they did after they ended their A? Is it best not to tell? Can I still have a happy M if I don’t tell? Also, will I be able to heal one day? Were you able to have a better M without telling your H? My DH and I are in counseling and that has been a great benefit as far as our communication and his anger outbursts.
When I look back at the 4 ½ months I was in my A. Only 1 ½ months was it more intimate. I am just so disgusted with myself. It’s like I was a completely different person during that time period.

I just am going through the roughest time right now. I can’t begin to tell you how I am sooo glad that I ended my A. But what do I do now? I hope there is someone who is dealing or has dealt with this same issue that can give some type of advice.

Luv




Edited 1/26/2005 3:30 pm ET ET by luv4me2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:48pm

Luv-

I don't have the answers, and I doubt anyone here does either. They can tell you their story but the decision is yours to make.

JMHO....I could and would never tell. I remember watching Dr. Phil and he said....most people tell/confess to relieve their own conscience not for the benefit of the BS.

But ultimately, you know what is best for you and your M. I'm in therapy and right now we are dealing w/ the ending of the affair but we will discuss to tell or not to tell later. I don't think I could. Maybe 10 years down the line...but not now when the wound would be too fresh and recent.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:53pm
DO NOT TELL! If you want to stay married and avoid hurting your H in a way you can never imagine, DO NOT TELL HIM. It does absolutely nothing good for the relationship. Work your guilt out in individual counseling or here, but DO NOT TELL. I never thought my H would find out and he did and I never knew I was capable of hurting him so badly. You had your reasons; this is something you have to be able to work out by yourself and for yourself. No one is the person they believe themselves to be when engaging in an A. That's a huge part of the allure. FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON! You are a grown woman who's having to work things our for herself--don't bring your H into it--I'm telling you, it isn't worth them knowing--EVER.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:59pm
I am in therapy and my therapist told me what I read everywhere and watched on certain shows. Telling your husband only releases the guilt off of you and puts pain on him when he doesn't deserve it. They also say a large majority of men do not forgive. When my therapist said this to me and I read this so many places afterward, I knew she knew what she was talking about. I almost told my husband the other day because of the TERRIBLE guilt I have and he asked me if I was having an affair because I was gone all weekend and I said "no." It is a big chance to take and if you are not sure where you will end up, I say don't tell. Only you know though. I will add I am dealing with this guilt too. Only someone going through it can understand the pain. I know how you feel so you are not alone. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:13pm

Luv,

My opinion is to not tell him. I don't see anything positive coming out of that decision.
I was in an A for a very long time & My H never found out about it & I will never tell him. I can't see my self causing him the innocent one in this mess I caused pain for my own selfishness. I was sad at first that I could even betray some one who loved me like that it was really bad at first but now I have realized that I'm human and everyone makes mistakes, I learned from it and will never engage in that kind of behavior EVER again. I think about the out come I could have caused if My H would have found out and that gives me hope and I appreciate what I have each and everyday MY FAMILY! It does get better, Don't be so hard on yourself we are not perfect. Enjoy life its a precious thing and as each day goes bye you can't get it back.
JMHO
Healed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:17pm

Thank you so much for your replies. I do not want to tell my H. I just was asking because I wanted to do the right thing for once. I will just have to keep going to therepy and try to work this out on my own. I do not want to hurt my H anymore than I already have. I do not want to tell him just so I will feel better. I want to make my M work and the only way I can think of is not to tell him and to work on this on my own and with the support of you wonderful people.

There are no quick answers to my issues. Just that I learn from what I did and try to salvage waht is left after the mess I made.

I just hope some day it gets a little better.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:24pm

imhealed,

Thank you so much for your post. I saw it after I said thanks to the other posters.

I wanted to say that you gave me hope for the future. Your post makes me see that there are others out there that have been down the road I have and have been able to overcome what has happened. I know the guilt probablly will never fully be gone, but you gave me so much hope that I can make a better life for myself and my family.

After my A I see that my familiy is truly my first priority. I will never ever want to do what I did to ruin that.

Thank you so much. It really did lift my spirits a little more today.

Actually... thanks again to all of you that posted. I do feel like there is a little more light at the end of my tunnel.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:36pm

Luv,

Your so welcome. I'm glad I can help other's from lessons I learned the hard way.
Good luck to you and your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:57pm

Luv

Only you can answer the questions you asked, you know you your husband and your relationship no one else does.

What ever you decide make sure your making the decision for your husbands good not yours, don't let any selfish motivation be part of the reason for the decision.

"IF" you tell I suggest doing it in counceling were there will be a moderate voice, inform the councelor in advance.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:26pm

<<>>

Frank Pittman, M.D. & Family Therapist, in his article published in Psychology Today has this to say about that little popular fallacy...

"Men are just as forgiving as women of their mates' affairs. They might claim ahead of time that they would never tolerate it, but when push comes to shove, cuckolded men are every bit as likely as cuckolded women to fight like tigers to hold on to a marriage that has been betrayed. Cuckolded men may react violently at first, though cuckolded women do so as well, and I've seen more cases of women who shot and wounded or killed errant husbands. (The shootings occur not when the affair is stopped and confessed, but when it is continued and denied.)

Betrayed men, like betrayed women, hunker down and do whatever they have to do to hold their marriage together. A few men and women go into a rage and refuse to turn back, and then spend a lifetime nursing the narcissistic injury, but that unusual occurrence is no more common for men than for women. Marriage can survive either a husband's infidelity or a wife's, if it is stopped, brought into the open, and dealt with.

I have cleaned up from more affairs than a squad of motel chambermaids. Infidelity is a very messy hobby. It is not an effective way to find a new mate or a new life.

It is not a safe treatment for depression, boredom, imperfect marriage, or inadequate gender splendor. And it certainly does not impress the rest of us. It does not work for women any better than it does for men. It does excite the senses and the imaginations of those who merely hear the tales of lives and deaths for love, who melt at the sound of liebestods or country songs of love gone wrong."

Here's the full article:- http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.xml

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:39pm

<<>>

Well, the positives for me have been in being able to rebuild wth both of us on the same page and holding the same set of blue prints. I also know that my husband loves me for who I am, despite what I've done, in a real warts and all way.

I denied him the opportunity of being part of the decision making process when I unilaterally elected to enter into an affair and look where taking away his right to make his own decisions got me.

There was absolutely no guarantee he would take me back, but I respect him enough to give him ALL the facts in order to allow him to make his own decisions with regard to whether or not he wishes to be with me. The only condition DH set was that we entered MC which was a condition I'd also wanted. I also insisted on individual counselling for myself since I was the one who'd proven my coping mechanisms were faulty enough to have considered an affair as a means for dealing with my own core issues. Both forms of counselling have proven extremely beneficial for us both.

Nope, this way, having put ALL my cards on the table and allowing DH to make his own choices, I have returned the respect and love that I took away from him and our marriage when I had an affair. Together we are working on the problems which have arisen from my affair as well as the problems which led to us becoming so disconnected in the first place. Life is gooooood!

While it remains a personal choice, I'd say those are some pretty strong positives.

Strength & peace,
Posie

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