I am so depressed – tell DH or not re: A
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| Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:28pm |
I am really struggling today and I am of need of some support today. It’s my own fault though, because I am the one that cheated on her H. I don’t know why in the world I did what I did. What made me think it was ok to have an A? I know that the initial reasons were that my DH was a very angry man. It seemed to justify it all at the time. But I still can’t let go of the guilt and sickness I feel for what I have done. I don’t want to tell my DH because it would only crush him and just release my guilt.
I don’t want the easy way out, but is it best for my M that I come out with what I did? I heard so many different opinions on whether you should tell or not. Could someone here that is M tell me what they did after they ended their A? Is it best not to tell? Can I still have a happy M if I don’t tell? Also, will I be able to heal one day? Were you able to have a better M without telling your H? My DH and I are in counseling and that has been a great benefit as far as our communication and his anger outbursts.
When I look back at the 4 ½ months I was in my A. Only 1 ½ months was it more intimate. I am just so disgusted with myself. It’s like I was a completely different person during that time period.
I just am going through the roughest time right now. I can’t begin to tell you how I am sooo glad that I ended my A. But what do I do now? I hope there is someone who is dealing or has dealt with this same issue that can give some type of advice.
Luv
Edited 1/26/2005 3:30 pm ET ET by luv4me2004

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Skip writes: <<>>>>>>>>>
In all fairness Skip, I know you think you know yourself. I spent a great deal of time "on the bench" so to speak in life, when I wasn't participating in life but rather spending a lot of time observing others. I formed opinions on hypotheticals etc.
Never say never friend. If i am not a prime example of "what would I do..." and "I never would ever be with a married man" it was me. You may know NOW (the person you are right at this very moment) how you'd react to a situation. But situations, events, circumstances, life altering-personality altering, occassions HAPPEN. Never say never.
All one can really do is define values and boundaries and stick to them...for their own personal gratification and realize that we are weak when we are not strong...and know the triggers. Boy I had no idea....NONE that I wouldve had participated in the situation I was in last fall. NONE. I am (was) a very judgemental, staunch-in-my-boundaries, person. I still have a lil of that...I am not as strong or as smart as I thought. My goal NOW is to not get into a situation again...ever...like that...and work on why I allowed it...after NEVER .......EVER....thinking I would.
You don't know how you'd react if you had an affair re: telling your wife (that you don't have at the moment...I am not sure what they are or not...a marriage (are you married?) , the relationship you have with a wife, the reasoning why you'd stray if you did (women in your life how'd you meet them etc. ). You've not been in the situation. You can only hope you'd react in the way you "should" (however that is defined for you). Keep in mind however...not being married etc...that same person who'd want to do everything right in that relationship as you've spoken about before...is using a very "wrong" hypothetical to promote what he'd do right about it. You've not considered how'd you ever get into that situation in the first place lol....so perhaps you don't know yourself so well as you are assuming a situation that you don't want to be in in the first place.
This really makes me wonder why you come here. Test the waters or just getting gut reaction checks? I do the gut reaction checks myself on the MAS board as I am no longer in an affair. I also like to see where ive been and how my thinking has changed...because again...i was in an affair (albeit brief as it was).
I don't know your motivations but I do know for sure...you really don't know how you would ACTUALLY react...because you are not in the situation and you don't have a particular situation and all the extraneous factors that come to play that you don't have control over (the personality of the AP, your W (who doesnt exist yet), the circumstances etc...none of that is in play in your reaction that "you'd tell your wife".
You don't have the whole story (yet) and I hope you never do but you dont have a situation ...your answer is only based on if only you existed in the situation...and that is not how it is in real life. You are only hoping you know how you'd react. That is a good thing. I am not condemning it. I am saying however...don't be SO sure if you've not been there.
God knows I didn't have my scenario planned out in my head when I said "i'd never ever have an affair with a married man. I couldn't. I never thought I'd be in the situation I was in. Who CAN really...unless someone goes out and seeks it. Some do. I didn't. I made a bad choice when given a situation I never thought I'd let myself get into. There really is no difference from ACTIVELY SEEKING an affair except motivation, circumstance, and weakness level to start. (IMO) but i am digressing into another topic...so i will end this post.
Never say never without knowing how strong your own constitution is and being very self aware of all possibilities,...otherwise know you are suseptible as hell and know the responsbility in that. HOPE you never. Remember that when faced with it. Weakness kills hope.
Lizzie
Hi Lizzie,
I apologize if I offended you or anybody else. From the way I read this thread it appeared that some people were on the confession side and others were on the keep-it-secret side. My post was on the confession side, but I never claimed to be right in my post. I simply gave you my point of view. However, you're right about "never say never". I can't say with certainty what exactly I'd do. As far as the "no recovery" part of it goes, I came off too strong. You're right about that and I apologize. I think I was remembering a guy I met once who had been married for ten years, had kids, and knew the whole time he was married that he was gay. Eventually his wife figured it out, confronted him, and got the truth. My first thought was what a waste of time- for both of them. Losing that amount of time would infuriate me more than any infidelity.
An affair is obviously different, but concealing it (in my view) does deny my SO the right to make a decision about things. I don't see that as being much different from the gay scenario. You believe your SO is one way, but it turns out that isn't the case. Well, you have a decision to make. From my outlook, I think I owe my SO the right to decide whether to go on or not. However, other people decide to get their act together and return to a healthy relationship and put everything behind them. When all is said and done I think it's a matter of doing what you personally can live with.
As far as my motivation for coming to this board is concerned, it's not any different from all the other boards I go to. I hope to learn something and contribute some insight if I can. Like everybody else, I'm prone to going over-the-top at times, but I try to be respectful.
Skip
skippxt
Let me ask you in plain english: Are you, or have you ever been, involved in an Affair?
Hi Luv,
In a perfect world, we would be able to be 100% honest and have things work out. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. My advice to you is to not tell DH about your affair. It can kill whatever marriage you have left. Do you want that?
Just out of curiosity, suppose someone has a second affair and gets up the strength to end it. Do you still think it would be a good a idea to conceal the infidelity at that point? Is there an affair concealment cutoff point?
Skip
skippxt
Sillyme,
I agree with you 100%. After doing some serious thinking, I am with you - I will not tell my DH. It has taken 4 years for my H to finally try to work on our M. It took me to distance myself for him to realize that I was not going to take his verbal abuse no longer.
After I did some thinking although having an A was not the right thing to do, in a wierd way, it did improve my M. I have never in my life been unfaithful and I do not plan to ever do it again. I was someone who did not think it was okay for people be in an A. I am going to work hard with my therapist and with myself to make sure that I do not do it again. But the A brought the problems to light in my H eyes. He is kinder, he is more helpful with our child, he is more of a H to me than the ruler of the house.
If I tell him I don't know what he will do. I know I deserve what happens if I told him. We are both in consuling and it is helping. I am not going to lose my H after finally having him act like a H. I know to some that is not right, but that is what I have to do in my situation.
When I started my A I was so emotionally drained. Lost a baby and had a H that acted like a ruler more than a H. Yelled and screamed all the time. I just snapped. Emotionally needed something. Did not realize that I did not need an A that what I needed was to find another way to deal with it. XMM came at my lowest point when I was not emotionally prepared to resist his charms. To some it is an excuse, but at the time I really didn't know what I was doing. I don't know why I did what I did now that I look back. I was just a total different person.
I learned from my mistake and I am working on the reasons why I took the road to an A rather than work it out another way. A big mistake that I have to deal with. But it has made me a wiser person in some weird way.
Not telling my H is something that I need that needs to be done in my situation. Maybe not right, but still what I think I need to do.
Thanks for all the responses. They all have been helpful. Even those who said to tell. I know why I should, but I just can't.
Luv
Edited 2/1/2005 10:10 am ET ET by luv4me2004
Hello Luv,
I've read all the posts here and it seems that the Don't Tells have out numbered the Tells
You asked if you could rebuild and have a successful M after an A if you don't tell. I was involved with a MM for almost 3 years, most it was an EA but we were together a few times, it was also LD. I have had NC for over a year now and I never told my H and the MM never told his W.
I've read many views on different boards and what I've discovered, more often than not, is that when the BS finds out, the trust in the M is pretty much gone forever. I don't care what others might relate to you, the same response is ultimately revealed..."I don't think I will ever trust him/her again"...they forgive but they never forget and there is always a bit of doubt lingering which weighs heavily in the back of the BS mind, as to whether the WS will cheat again. It's that doubt that slowly erodes the M and more often than not, leads to D or many more years of unhappiness and mistrust. Yes some rebuild but from what I've read the M is never the same and really how could it be when infidelity is part of the equation.
I know my H better than anyone else; we've known each other for over 37 years and married for 30. There isn't a person here who can convince me that telling him would be better for our M. I've read many times that by confessing infidelity to your S, you are relieving self guilt and ultimately dumping it back on the BS. I see no reason to do that to my H. It was my selfish mistake and it's one that I will NEVER make again, and yes I will say NEVER because I have learned from this mistake. When I posted this response on another board, someone told me I had no right to keep my H from knowing the truth and that I was afraid to see the pain in his eyes from my betrayal. So why would it be better for him to have that pain? That night, while we were watching a show together I casually asked him a what if question. Would you want to know if I had an A? His reply was no. I posted that comment and no one ever replied to that!
What I've gained from reading many responses from the different boards is an appreciation for my M and especially for my H. There are some real horror stories out there. My H loves me and I love him and we have a better M now than ever before. I try to keep an open mind regarding others opinions, but when push comes to shove, I know what is best in my situation.
Only you can decide what is best for you. Listen to other opinions but never let any of them sway you from what's deep inside your heart. Whatever your decision is, it has to be one that you can live with.
It won't be easy keeping the secret of infidelity inside; I think it's actually more difficult. I smile on the outside and cry on the inside because the guilt from the betrayal has caused me immense pain, but it's pain I deserve and it's a secret I'll carry to my grave.
Good Luck to you,
g
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