I am so hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2014
I am so hurt
3
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 3:40pm

History - 8 yrs with my ap.  He has never been there emotionally for me nor calls/texts On any kind of regular basis.  he told me he loved me in October but then heard from others in the community he sleeps with his staff and clients (he is a therapist).  He does not act like he loves me.  I believe he is seeing other women on the side - he lies to me and is hiding stuff.  So when I called him on it, he became defensive and texted some insensitive things to me.  I went to see my therapist and he says this guy has narcissitic personality Dx.  He is everything that defines that Dx.  Wow!  I am shocked and hurt.   I have not had any contact for 24 hours -'I've cried and am hurt that he doesn't show me any real affection.  I really enjoy the sex but feel like I need to stop this now.  I hate leaving stuff on a bad note like we have.  However, he hasn't even checked in on me.  Maybe I'll make contact in July if I want a fwb and nothing more...  Ideas?

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 5:01pm

Hi Wantthistoend

I'm sorry you are hurting.  It is good you are seeing a therapist.  I'm curious, though, about whether or not you mentioned the name of your previous therapist to your current therapist who I would think would feel compelled to report him...unless he doesn't want to because it's only word of mouth.

That said, tell me a little more about yourself.  Are you married? Do you have children. Is he married?

I think it's normal to think we can't live without them initially; and because we don't want to let go, we gain comfort thinking we can make contact later in the future...and things will be different...which they will not be.

The problem with the FWB system with women is we are too emotional, and it is the rare woman who can compartmentalize as well as a man can...to not bond and not become emotional attached.  It is already apparent that you can't...so why set yourself up again? It's not going to be any different later on.

If he is seeing all those women on the side, I hope you have been using protection.  If not,  you should get yourself tested on the double.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2014
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 10:04pm

Thank you clarity-

you are right - later won't be any different.  I am married 18 yrs, this is my first A and have an 8 yo son.  I have fleeting anxiety that almost paralyses me but it passes.  How could I be so stupid??!!  He is a sociopath with NPD (narcissism) and cares for no one but himself.  Wish I had the 8 hrs back.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 11:45pm

You're welcome

You WISH it were only 8 "hrs'!...sorry, that made me giggle.  Those fleet moments of paralysis are withdrawals, and it's going to take a while for you to detox.

We all wish we could have the time back...all the time wasted, energy expended, the things we missed out on in our lives when we were so wrapped up in the affair that took our attention away. Believe me, we've all thought the same thing, "How could I be so stupid".  It's a good question...and the answer is different for everyone. That's where you have to focus now.  No more focusing on him and his whys. It's all about you now and your 'whys'...so you don't head down such a destructive path again.  Therapy will be the key..along with support you'll find here and on sites like Baggagereclaim and our own Healing Library

You're plugged back in to your reality...and that's a good thing. 

As long as you adhere to NO CONTACT, do some introspection and the hard work it takes to make changes within and allow time and distance to work their magic...you'll work you way out of this.

Keep posting in for support, focus on you, and read read read.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board