I am so messed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
I am so messed up
10
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 8:24pm

On the outside, I'm a level headed, in control, witty, woman. People tell me all the time how much they admire my accomplishments in life. I have worked my way out of poverty and seem to have it all.

But I don't see my accomplishments the way others do. I see me struggling to survive, doing what I had to do to save myself. Yes, I've achieved a lot. But it's been out of desparation and not wanting to drown in this world. I've learned over time how to be polite when recieving a complement, but deep down, I know who I really am. And I am ashamed that I am so weak. Complements are almost depressing. It's not guilt that I feel, though. It's a sense that it seems that I've fooled everyone around me, but not on purpose. I don't see the person they see at all.

I have a longing in my heart and soul for something, I feel so lonely in this world at times. I have to always be strong, I can't count on other people, with few exceptions. The man I thought rescued me from a really aweful marraige was not mine to have. He shouldn't have rescued me, I shouldn't have taken his hand. But I did. And I escape from a bad life in exchange for...I guess, peace. But my life doesn't include him, he was married. I knew I had to let that go and I did. Then I met my H. But there's still something missing.

I have been anguishing over my H lately. He has let me down in so many ways. I hurt at the thought that the love and respect I had from him is drainaing away. I can feel it. It saddens me so much, but I don't know how to stop it. ExMM has been tempting me, but I have been ignoring him since the last time I posted. I know he's not the answer. What is wrong with my soul? Why can't I be content? Will I ever be? I struggle everyday, put on a smile, crack jokes, make people laugh, work hard. Yet, there's no one there for me to lean on. My H is unavailable at the moment and has been for almost 3 years. He has been going through his own issues and has been leaning on me...and I've tried to stay strong. But I'm so tired. I just want to run away.

What is the answer? Will life always be this lonely?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:32pm

Issues

I suspect people see you more clearly then you see yourself, you past poverty has left self esteem damage.

Other people see the amazing person you REALLY ARE, the only person you have fooled is yourself you don't see the real you the person your are TODAY.

If your not getting it I would respectfully like to suggest IC to help you come to terms with your emotions from the past and present, don't let the past pull you down and don't let XMM do more damage to your self-esteem.

YOU CAN HAVE A GREAT FUTURE YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 7:26am

I completely concur with the previous poster. Individual counselling could be the answer. Are you seeing a therapist now? If not, I highly suggest it. He/she will help guide you to getting to the root of what's causing that missing feeling. I completely understand what you are experiencing....for me, it was a childhood issue that I had repressed for many years. Not until it was uncovered did I begin to acknowledge why I had been doing the things I did that unfortunately

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:06am

Hey Issues. I see alot of myself in your post. I'm a professional woman, well accomplished, intelligent, not only do I make some good $ but so does my DH. My DS7 is handicapped and I run a not-for-profit corporation, as well as practicing my profession. It all looks pretty good on the outside, and people are constantly telling me that I'm an inspiration to them.

But the inside is a whole other story. I've got some answers to my questions as to why I feel the way I do. I'm a recovering addict. Our literature describes me to a tee: "we couldn't live and enjoy life like other people do. We had to have something different."

That's me. I was involved in a 2 year A with a man I seriously loved (or at least believed I did at the time). Ultimately, I was unable to end my marriage to start a new life with him, so I ended the A and started rebuilding. My marriage is now is good shape. I adore my DH - he is without a doubt the love of my life. Unfortunately, however, many days I still feel like I'm chasing "something different."

I could so identify with what you posted about working hard, making jokes, smiling. That's me. I even manage to work out, put on make-up and look good most days. But I feel so empty sometimes inside.

Just wanted to let you know that I can relate. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:11pm

I can so relate to the things you said - while my situation is different - not necessarily "accomplished" but put on a pretty happy show for those around me so people don't feel sorry for me or think I'm sad (don't know why they'd think that if I'd just show me but I do). I work so hard at making other people happy and laugh - is it so they don't see the real me? Do I know who the real me is? Why am I so afraid people will think I'm boring or depressing if they know I'm not the happy go lucky person they are around!?!? because people don't like depressing - real life issues! So I hide behind this facade of happiness!

But like you, it leaves me feeling lonely! :(

No answers here - but complete compassion from someone who can relate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:09pm

Wow. Thanks to all who replied. It helps just to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I've been to IC before and it really didn't help me much. I tend to balk at councilors...I know a few and they seem more whacked out than me. Just posting here is very helpful.

I have my good days and my bad days. Today is better than yesterday. Thanks agian, everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 7:44pm

issue,

u r not messed up. we all have problems, life would not be this fun if we dont have any problems, i think u need to see the big picture, yes we/u have a legitimate reason to feel empty but its all on how u look t life, just think of the survivors on that big tsunami last year, cont yourself lucky

u are more than blessed in many aspects of life than most people in the world, make the most of it and turn it into something positive and in return your emptyness will be filled with something

like u i am succesful in my profession, financial very stable and able to buy things that i dont need, lots of toys but i feel empty sometimes, lonely also

learn to love what u have in the present and the rest is just bonus, u have so much already, u have your family

me, i dont have anyone , no blood relatives at all that i know of, but i manage to stay alive and not feel bad all the time, only on major holidays and xmas :)

anyways, dont let that get u down, the best way to cure that emptyness is to help someone else, volunteer, help a friend or family member and it will all come back to u in a positive way

take care and dont forget to eat ice cream !!!

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:18pm

Issue-
I am typically in the "My Affair Support" but decided to lurk in this board since I feel so lost lately. Your post really caught my eye because you described me, how people view me, and what I truly feel inside so I can definitely relate. The only difference is that I have been married for 6 years and my affair didn't start until two years ago (still in it) and I can tell you...it made things more complicated. Although my relationship with my MM provides an "escape" for me and allows me to truly be myself, I continue to live my life "as-is." I walk around with even more on my mind and it's horrible. When my husband and I are around friends or family...I often find myself sitting back thinking "If they only knew what is going on with me..."

I refuse to believe that life will truly be lonely but I don't know how to make sure that it doesn't happen. I have often thought of ending this affair and working on my marriage but it's easier said than done because this escape (affair) has allowed me to cope but I can tell you that I think in the overall scheme of things...it has made it ten times worse.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU and here's hoping that we find peace and hapiness within us.

Take care:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 6:27pm

<<

take care and dont forget to eat ice cream !!!>>>

Max, this is the best advice I've heard in a long time. I'm off to Carvel for dinner...

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:00pm
You are right. I have much to be thankful for. I do sound like a whinner. And ice cream does seem like a cure-all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:27pm

Thanks for the reply (thanks to all who replied). I went through a bad divorce and that's when I had my affair..he was married. The thing that got me to stop the A was not meeting my current H, because I ended it a month before I met H, it was that I felt like I was wasting my life wanting something that wasn't mine, living a double life, lying, essentially to everyone and myself about who I was and what I was doing. I didn't want to live like that...I had sort of been living a lie when I was married for 8 years, pretending that everything was ok, when I was really miserable, because I didn't have the courage to take a much needed step and end the miserable relationship. It was really hard for me to finally file for divorce...there was so much guilt holding me back because of my religious beliefs. What's so ironic is that for all the guilt I felt for not loving my exH and ending the marriage, I stepped right into another situation that was even more morally wrong. I was sort of rebelling from the burdens of beliefs that seemed to hold me back.

I realize now that God had nothing to do with my choices in life. I made them and I was dealing with the consequences of my choices. I chose to have sex, which led to an unplanned pregnancy at 19, when I wasn't married. I chose to try and make a baseless marriage work. I chose my own path. And I chose to jump into something I knew was wrong for selfish and cowardly reasons. I also chose to stop the charade and ended the A.

Today, my struggles are different, yet the same. I am once again in a marriage in trouble. The only thing I have going for me this time is that I really did love my H when I married him. I still do, but he has changed from the man I married. I want that man back! But I have no control over his choices in life.

So here I am at a cross-roads, once again. What do I want and what is right for all parties involved? Life is too sort to be miserable. ExMM has been lurking this whole time because we work together. He knows me real well and knows when I'm having issues (hence my screen name...issues-on-going). I don't want to have these issues anymore! I want my H to pull his head out and be the man I married, take care of himself and his family. Give me a reason to continue to support him...that's all I want is something to grab onto, some shred of evidence that he's still in there. My second marriage is turning into my first...life is repeating and I don't know how to stop it.

Those are my real issues today. And A's are not the answer, nor are they really an escape..they just add on to the lie and the loneliness because they are not real. I want to live in reality, but I want my reality to be honest, good and with no regrets.