I am in so much pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
I am in so much pain.
14
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:25pm
So, the inevitable has happened. Our "friendship" has failed too. In the past week, he has sent me numerous text messages and one email, but we have not been able to carry on a full conversation because (a) he keeps dropping the ball midconversation and (b) he has not made more than five minutes for a phone call despite that he is just hanging out waiting for his job to start in 10 days. He's been all, "I miss you," "I love you". And I have been okay with this.

Today, I asked him to call me though, and his answer was, "It's going to be tough because my wife is always around me." So, I was like, "you can't step away for an hour in a two week period?"

Well, you can imagine the rest. I mean, jeez, if you have to ASK that question, it's NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

He is pushing me away. All of his I miss yous and I love yous mean nothing - they are just an attempt to keep me hanging on. He can't step away from his wife for an HOUR in a two week period to have a phone conversation with me??????????????????????????????????

Is that friendship? Is it a normal friendship if I am so upset about it? Is it a normal friendship if he has such a PROBLEM stepping away from his wife for one damn hour to call me?

NO NO NO NO NO.

1. If he wanted to call me, by GOD, he would call me!! DUH! I know that!!!! HELLO????? Paging my intellect?! Intellect, where are you??? I know that if he wanted to call me, he would have. And he wouldn't have forced me beg and plead with him to make time. And he wouldn't have REFUSED to answer YES or NO to whether he was GOING to make the time. That is not how I would act if I were in love with someone. And that is not how anyone I know would act.

2. If it is like this, I cannot afford to be in this relationship. My stomach is churning. I feel like a piece of dirt. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel confused and on edge. Yes, there are times that he makes me feel loved and wanted, but they only serve to make these times all the more painful.

3. It WILL get better for me if I start to get over him. I have been here before. In fact, this is NOTHING. I have withstood the end of a two year completely intense love affair where the sex was borderline SPIRITUAL, where we ALMOST ended up together after we both separated, where the love was so strong and passionate, we can NEVER be in each others' lives again. I withstood THAT!! This is NOTHING compared to that. Right now, my ego hurts, and I feel disrespected. All I have to do to eliminate that is eliminate HIM! I have withstood far worse than the end of an affair, I should also note. My life has been filled with illness and tragedy, but I am still standing. I am stronger than this.

4. What happened here is nothing short of BORING, TYPICAL, END OF AFAIR STUFF. We couldn't make the affair work because we knew we were never going to leave our marriages and be together, and neither of us was comfortable with that, least of all him, and we couldn't make a post affair friendship work because the feelings were not gone, so INSTEAD, he has to go and throw it on the ground and stomp on it so that it will go away. And I react by spitting on it and turning my heel. Just the typical post-affair garbage.

I don't feel better yet. But someone PLEASE PLEASE tell me I will. PLEASE.

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:10am
What is it that you're supposed to be sticking with? And why does he get a week? Why should you give him a week? What will happen at the end of the week?

I say cut him loose. You're better than the treatment you're getting from this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 7:09am
As a man on the other end of things, I can identify with you. My A ended in anger and some crazy behavior, yet my ex-OW told me the last time she saw me (we each broke off relationship many times) she needed "time to get me out of her system". That means she still cares, in fact she said up until near the end she loves me. And I was willing to end my marriage. But guilt and other factors led her to not want to continue. Problem is, even though I tried to break it off several times, I miss her a lot now, and wish I could be with her again -- logically it sdoiesn;t make sense -- but it hurts hurts hurts.
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:58am
This is exactly the kind of thing my XOM would have done. It drove me nuts. What I really couldn't understand is the fact that he'd know these actions were hurting me, it was so obvious that he could contact me if he wanted to, yet he'd act like there was absolutely no way he could - it was out of his control - yeah right.

I'm not sure exactly why he did it, but it happened over and over again, so I knew it would continue if 'we' continued. I suppose it has something to do with power and control. Putting me in a "painful" state and knowing it was because I was missing him made him feel good. I think he also did it at times to sabotague the relationship. Things are going good, but oh no - Christmas is coming - don't want to have to figure out what to buy her, so I better upset her so we break up for a bit. It was all so stupid, and manipulative. I'm sure he thinks he totally had the upperhand in our relationship and all of his relationships actually. Huge ego. I did some reading on Passive Agressive personality types and I believe that is where some of this kind of thing stems from.

Oh my - I could scream right now thinking about it. I have to tell you that even if you were both single he would still probably play these games with you. Treating you the way he is shows complete lack of respect. Going along with it will chip away at your self esteem. You need to set up your boundaries and be firm - dig your heels in. Send him packing - thats what he deserves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:22am
Crystal,

I could have typed the first 2 paragraphs! When my xMM and I starting dating, he would call constantly. Over the next 18 months, things began to slow down. First, I would never hear from him on weekends, but he would expect ME to leave him voice mails letting him know what I was doing. During our last month, he would call only once a week, no matter what I asked him to do. It drove me crazy!

I also think he did it as he knew our time together was almost over. We agreed he would leave after the holidays, or it was over. By making me crazy, he could blame the end of the relationship on me...I was nuts!!!

I really hate the control I gave him over the relationship. I was so in love with him and our future dreams, I never stopped to look at the way he was treating me.

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