I am so tired of it all

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
I am so tired of it all
4
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 11:23am

Hey all,
I don't post all that much here, because I am in LC and the process seems to be so slow. I am so tired of this daily struggle. Sometimes I just want to give up.... and do what?!? I don't know. One thing I know for sure, and that's that I don't ever want to go back to the way I felt while in the A.
How I would feel after having had sex with him... I felt so alone. So scared. So empty. So sad. Every time I had sex with him, it felt as if I lost part of me. I almost lost myself.

And now here I am, struggling to get back to how I felt before the A. Indifference towards xAP: I haven't reached that goal yet.
xAP still comes fishing and his past attempt has been very desperate.
Telling me "I lo-o-o-o-oooove you so much!" ,
"I mi-i-i-ss you!",
"You have a shared first place" (when I say I can't live being second, third, fourth, fifth... ninth choice.. after his wife, kids, house, CD's, car... and so on.)
"I am yours and you are mine"

Of course I don't believe any of those lies, and I think the reason why his fishing attempt has become more desperate is because he realizes I am not buying it.And because I am standing firm in my decision "I will never have sex with you again". He hates it.

I am just tired of this daily struggle. I still have 'feelings' for him and I don't want those feelings. Stupid xAP.

Sorry, just needed to vent I guess.

HTGO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 11:52am

Dear HTGO,


I gotta say I am right there with you )-:


The stronger I have become, the more devastated he looks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 11:52am

Good Morning...


I can sure relate to so much of what you have said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:00pm
I agree with J here on the 'the A was way worse'. I mean that in the sense that I don't *want* to go back to being in the A, getting crumbs (or less than!) giving my all (and then some) to get far less than I deserved. In an actual relationship there would have come a time that I could have gotten what I gave 'back', that my turn to be supported would come around. What I, and I think others at the 'beginning of the end', struggle with is the feelings of 'not wanting back in the A, but wanting to be with the person'. I'm not yet at a point where if he showed up on my doorstep with D papers in hand that I would tell him to 'kindly f-off'. So, there is this tension between not wanting the A, at all, but still wanting 'the person' in a number of ways (some of which is probably the residual fog talking), but all the while knowing that the chances of actually being with this person in RL are about the same as a snowballs chance in hell. And, entertaining those 'chances' and dwelling on them can be/are damaging and hold back our progress, but I think it's part of working through everything so we can reach the point where we don't want to be in the A and we don't *want* to be with that person in general. To be honest, I'm by far away from that point yet. But, I also know that to get there takes time. I hear you though, I also just want it 'all to be over'...but, it can't be rushed so we're all in it together as we struggle along!
((hugs))
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:33pm

LC is VERY hard and physically/mentally exhausting. I used to feel like I left the office covered in bruises and could easily take a nap the minute I got home. I absolutely hated it. I wanted him to go away so badly and wished he would just throw in the towel and find another job. I knew I couldn't go anywhere because my daughter's college bills were piling up.... I think just having him around made it easier for me to loath him. He was blocking myprogess and I hated him for that. I got so sick of seeing his damn face everyday, hearing his booming voice when he talked on his cell, bragging about his vacations and stuff he did with his family and grandchildren to other coworkers just loud

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 1:17pm

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies. It's 'good' to know that I am not alone in this. Some days are harder than other days. I don't know why today is such a difficult day for me. Maybe because I am not only tired emotionally, I am also very tired physically.
I can see through all xAP's lies though. I didn't believe him for one minute when he said "I love youououououou, I miss youououououou," and all the other stuff.

I don't know why I still care about this person. Like I said, some days are easier than other days. Some days when I see him, all I feel is anger and disgust. I am not sure if I am still romanticizing things at some level. I don't think I do, but maybe subconsciously I still do. But not that I know of.

No, I haven't tried IC yet. I have searched for counselors, but since I don't have a car , choices are very limited = there is no one around as far as I can see.

Yes, the A was far worse than feeling like how I feel right now.
I remember feeling so emotionally hurt that I'd rather have physical hurt than that emotional hurt. I mean, with physical hurt you can just look at where the pain is... let's say "a broken leg" and you know where the pain is coming from.
But with the emotional pain, it disturbs you from deep within.

I am sure I'll have a better day tomorrow :-) Who knows, when I wake up, I discover that during the night xAP and his whole happy family have moved far, far away from here ;-)

Hugs! And thanks all
HTGO