I am stronger than I realize; so are you
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| Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:19am |
So after having no conversation with XOM since Friday, we spoke briefly last night online. (having completely NC is nearly impossible as the 4 of us are friends..nice situation I got myself into huh?!). Anyway, I saw him online and said hi, how are you, very generic conversation. He replies with "I almost called you today". Me: "why"; Him: "I miss you"; Me: "why didn't you"; Him: "I didn't think you'd want to talk to me".
Well here's where it could have gone either way, because damn, I miss him so badly. I ache to hear his voice. It's like a freakin addiction where I want a fix so bad, but I know it will lead me back on the wrong track again.
So I said this: "it is better for me not to talk to you, actually, it's better for me not to have ANY close contact with you at all". I also went on to say, that although I don't want to lose contact with him altogether (like I said, there is a friendship between all of us), that I am having a really rough time with this. He said "am I'm not??!". Me: "I'm sure you are...at least I hope you are".
That should be clear to him if he has the desire to pick up the phone again, not to. And THAT was a hard thing for me to relay to him. However, when you do something like that, there's a sense of empowerment you feel. It's a decision YOU make for yourself. It shows strength, even though we are breaking down inside. It leaves YOU the one holding all the cards. It's a way to get your self-respect back. Something I sooooo desparately need, because of a situation we were having (which resulted in the breakup) that completely left me feeling like an idiot.
I ended the conversation after only 5 minutes (we used to talk everyday online for about an hour or so). Now, we're down to maybe once or twice a week for a very brief conversation. I have to do that to keep up appearances and not draw attention to my H to the obvious problems between XOM and me.
I'm determined to repair my damaged pride. I'm the only one that can do that. One day at a time...and coming here to gain that perspective all of us need.

<< And THAT was a hard thing for me to relay to him. However, when you do something like that, there's a sense of empowerment you feel>>>
Hurt,
Exactly. The ball is back in your court. I am proud of you. I know how difficult that must have been.
<<<>>
Not following here.....you mean talking on the phone? Yeah, if husband is in the room. But IM's and Emails need to completely cease or before you know it, you will be sucked right back in.
<<>>
Determination is how to enforce a decision. Yes, you can do this, and each time you stand firm on your convicitions, you are one moment closer to being healed.
My best to you,
~True~
hurt,
You did good!
I know how hard it is to tell someone what you know you need but you don't really want to say.
Just remember that you are doing what you need to get over him. Do it for yourself.
When the fog lifts and the addiction is over, it's much easier.
I know that when I told my XMM one thing he doesn't know about me is how strong I am. Some call it being bull-headed. I'm awfully glad I got that trait passed down to me now!
Have a great day!
Hi True, and yes, I was talking emails and instant messages. I guess you saw right through that one and I know you're right, I need to cease that type of communication. But that's a tough one for me to let go of completely. I'm sort of weaning myself off of, but also, my H knew me and him always chatted online alot. He's noticed we don't talk like we used to and I usually find a way to come up with an excuse. But H sometimes asks whens the last time I talked to him. If I were to say a month ago, he'd wonder why. But I haven't talked on the phone with him in weeks. That was a crutial part of our existance for the A because we spoke several times throughout the day. Damn, was THAT a hard habit to break. But I did :)
I'm ok with a little general chat online every so often, I know I can deal with that. But I don't want the conversation always coming back to me and him, and the "issue" we keep fighting about, etc. As long as the conversation doesn't go into personal things, or he doesn't keep saying "i miss you" and all those lovely sentiments that, although it's good to know, it's not helpful for me in this process of getting over him.