I am trying to end it, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
I am trying to end it, need advice
6
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:22pm

Okay, long story short, well not really short. Been in an A off and on for a little over 2 years. First it was a FWB type of thing. My H found out, called mm's w, his w didn't believe my h. We actually kept the a going for a couple of more months after my H found out although things were different. It started getting bad and we had a really bad ending. We worked together and saw each other 5 days a week sometimes more. For 4-5 months I would not speak to him except when I absolutely had to about business. He had an issue one day with an employee of his and I had to wait with him until the employee showed up so that we could terminate him. Talk about awkward, it was he and I in an office for about 45 minutes. We actually opened up about a lot of things and both said we were sorry about things we did / said and we started to knock down the walls I had built. We started talking more and more. His w had an A and she came home and told him she didn't know who she wanted to be with (Karma, I know). He leaned on me a lot during that time. We talked openly about if we wanted to start the A again. We both admitted that we loved each other and that this time would be about love and not just sex. While his w is trying to figure out who she loves, she comes up pregnant and she says she slept with her AP one day and 24 hours later slept with her H (my mm) and doesn't know who the father is....(I could write a book!) (Do I hear Jerry Springer calling??) She decides to stay with her husband and supposedly stops the A.

I got another job at another company so I don't work with him anymore. Fast forward 6 months....mm says he wants us to be together. He wants to be married to me not his current w. The problem is he doesn't know how to tell her...(right, I may be blonde but not completely stupid). He says he wants her to find out about us so that she will leave him and he won't have to leave his pregnant w. He won't talk about the baby because he says it is 50/50 that it isn't his. I got tired of waiting....I have been trying to distance myself from him over the last month. I don't call him, he does all the calling. I emailed him last week and said that it was now or never, either he called and told me that day that he was ready to do whatever it took to be with me or I was done. He didn't call and tell me that. He tried to act like the email never happened. When he calls and tells me he loves me and misses me, I won't tell him back. I haven't told him I love him since last week and he knows why. I told him two days ago not to call me anymore. Of course, he called the next day. He is off work yesterday and today and he asked if I wanted to meet him for lunch. I told him no. He said, do you want me to call you? I said, not unless you are going to call and tell me you are ready to be with me. He chuckled and said, I'll call you tomorrow. I told him it was probably a bad idea and he shouldn't call. I haven't heard from him. I am trying to be strong. I know he will call for sure on Monday, so I have a couple of days to get prepared. I am not strong enough to just hang up on him when he calls and I think it is kind of rude. What do I say to get my point across? I have tried to end it several times but always melt when he calls. This time is different though, I mean business, I think. How do I tell him to leave me alone? Also, I am a little afraid that I am pushing him away and will regret it. What if he does intend to leave but now I am not there either??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:15pm

What kind of advice would you give your sister, daughter or best friend if she was telling you this story? XMM is someone else's husband and he is chosing to be with her instead of you. If he wanted to be with you he would have left, everything else is just an excuse. Once you can accept this it makes it all a lot clearer. Look at all of the time that you are wasting playing games with some married guy.

If he did leave her and was with you could you trust him? What kind of life is that? Better to let it be her problem and move on with someone who is single, and there for you when you need him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:54pm

The only thing you will regret is wasting all this time waiting for this guy to leave his wife - pregnant wife. Unless of course your H finds out that this is all going on behind his back, then you will REALLY have some regrets. Are you ready to get divorced and have your husband walk out on you - all over this guy? Do you want your marriage to end? Because those are the stakes you are gambling with. Look, have you read my story? These men will say anything, do anything, try to make you believe anything - just to get one more month, week, even day in the relationship with you. They will not however leave their wives. Or if they do, they will ride the fence between you and them, not making a decision till one of the women makes it for them. How do you even KNOW that this whole story about the baby not being his is even true?? Because he told you? Think about the fact that you are basing all your information on the word of someone who has proven himself to be a liar. These guys are professional pathelogical liars. NO exceptions, I am sorry but no exceptions.

You want to know how you should stop? You just do. Just stop. Like any addiction, you just go cold turkey. You have already made you point clear - he knows your position. And let me ask you - if he does leave, are you ready to leave your husband? In my case, MM leave alright and I wavered and he appeared in front of my H and myself and made the decision very easy for me since I couldnt deal with staying with H after he knew. So I got divorced and MM is still separated, yrs later, and I wasted SO MUCH TIME that I cannot get back. Do you want that to happen to you?? You just stop. Do not pick up the phone or answer an email NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. He will plead and beg and get hostile and angry and then plead again. You just IGNORE. This man is no good for you.

JMHO,
Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:51pm

AS

You have been around these boards long enough to know that these so called men talk talk talk about leaving there wife but rarely ever follow through on it so the next time he calls lay it down FIRMLY DON'T CALL AGAIN UNTIL YOU CAN PUT A SIGNRD AND SEALED DIVORCE DECREE IN MY HAND anything else and I tell my husband about the call. This guy is a Coward just look at how he "SAYS" he wants to leave his wife by here finding out and ending the marriage, is there any more of a chicken way out then this.

His wife may have had the affair because she did believe your husband when he called even if she denied it at the time, revenge affairs happen.

Now do you really want to risk your future to a Cowardly cheating married man, why would you expect him to treat you any different then he does his WIFE. "You Are So Special" right.

Take a read.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15088.1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 8:28am

Thanks for all the replies and support ladies, I am going to need it.
I was ready to leave my comfortable, stable, loving world for him and I would have. I would have given up everything because I truly do love him, and I thought he loved me the same. I guess I was wrong.....

Today is the day. I have not talked to him in 4 days. That is pushing a record for the longest time we have not seen or spoken to each other. I have done a lot of thinking this weekend and I have decided to end it once and for all. In the past, I have always ended it and said lets at least stay friends. I guess that was my way of not completely ending all contact. Not this time. I don't have caller ID on my work phone and in my position I have to answer the phone but I am ready. He will call today and when he does I have prepared what I am going to say, let me know what you think....

"xmm You have made your decision. Every night that you go home to her, you have chosen her. When you spend your days off with her instead of me, you are choosing her. I can't do this anymore. I give up. Please do not call me anymore."

And I am going to hang up the phone before he has a chance to feed me anymore b.s. and I am going to leave my office in case he calls back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 8:35am

AS~

You can do this. Stop the agony in it's tracks. As you specified, don't give him a chance to say anything. Just hang up. If he cares for you at all, he will respect your wishes. My XMM gave me complete space after I ended it, and I still work with him. He never pushed, cried, or acting like a fool. I hope you MM gives you the same respect. If not, then all the more reason to expell him from your radar and keep that door closed.

Be strong. We are here for you,

**ID**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:03am
Thank you! I know it is going to be hard but I was thinking about it this weekend and I have made it through much harder things in my life. I appreciate all the support I have received here. I will let you know how it goes.