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|Fri, 07-13-2012 - 6:24pm|
I am 29, have been M for 8 years and have one child.
I have been on this A ride for 4 1/2 years now - so crazy to think we are still at it. I have been lurking here on and off for over a year and I thought by now the A would be over yet here I am...still stuck. Or rather CHOOSING to be stuck. See I am learning...
AP and I used to work together and I had the biggest crush on him since I was 18 (had already started dating DH). We are/were in the same social group and at a party almost 5 years ago we were the last "standing". I expressed my interest and he reciprocated, nothing happened that night but the ground work was laid out...
I have slowly removed myself from that group over the past 2 years. It really was for the best for me, not only was it hard to keep face when AP and I would be at events, most of them are not in the same place as me in life in terms of having kids and a career etc. It helped that DH was not surprised at all that I broke away. The only one in that group I still connect with is AP's GF.
I tried the AM route last summer - I was looking for a PA to replace the EA/PA that I have with my long term AP. I actually had a lot of fun and ended up meeting a few different men. The rush was addicting and I got sloppy. Left my phone out and DH discovered that I had met up with one guy. I did not go all the way with him so I was able to tell DH the details he required. It was my "get out of jail free card" and I was told I only get one of those.
We moved on and I cut all contact, deleted my email account, everything. It was easy to let go.
I had been sporadically hanging out with long term AP during the "AM phase" but had gained a lot of confidence with the extra attention so I was less available to him, which in turn made me more desirable...a couple weeks after my mini-dday I continued with my long term AP. It was very painful to see DH so hurt but I justified/justify "keeping" AP because it feels more real in my heart, which I know is not true...yes, call me Mrs. Contradiction!
I have learned a lot about myself and understand that this A is a dead end R. I have no expectations of it leading anywhere but where it is. Sure, I have fantasised about it, but I know that is not reality so I don't stay in that mindset long. In fact it fascinates me how our R has stayed intact this long.
I posted all of this over in MAS last week, however I think that I really belong over here. I saw my AP today for "lunch" at his place and it was great as usual, but today for some reason something clicked - I enjoy kissing my H way more. I know that might sound silly, but I hadn't admitted that to myself until I was leaving his place today, fixing my hair in the alley, I said to myself "H is a WAY better kisser!" These "aha!" moments have come and gone over the years and I am hoping posting them hear will help it sink in.
AP is leaving tomorrow to Europe for 3 weeks. I am hoping to use these 3 weeks to get myself out of this place and focus all of my engery on my connection with my H. This will be forced NC. Currently, we see each other almost daily during the week since his place and his office are both walking distance from my office. Both of us seem to be addicted to the A and it being so convenient to see each other doesn't make things any easier. We have had periods of time where we would "be good" only to end up crossing the line eventually.
Let the journey begin! So far 2 hours NC.