I broke NC today, after less than 2 days, but it was for a good cause

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
I broke NC today, after less than 2 days, but it was for a good cause
19
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 11:35pm

I initiated NC with xAP Sunday afternoon. Yesterday was tough, but reading on here helped me get through. But, today has been so much tougher. Some of you, especially if you are from Australia, may know that Qld police officer Damian Leeding's funeral was today. My xAP is also with Qld Police. All day I have been thinking about how hard today will be for him. So, I just sent him a message on facebook, saying my thoughts were with him. So, I have to start NC all over again now, but I think it's worth it, because I think my message will help him today. And, I guess I also did it for me - I feel awful that I started NC when I knew today was coming up. I know I did it for the right reasons, and I still believe NC needs to happen, but I am glad I sent a message.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011

WhoAmI, Since our wonderful CL Iddy is no longer here to offer her tough love, I am going to do my very best to say what she might have said in this situation.

There will ALWAYS be a reason that we can use to try and justify breaking NC. An illness, a death, a natural disaster (the Christchurch earthquakes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Kat, your post made so much sense, and I thank you for it. I only wish I had posted on here before I sent that message - your post probably would have stopped me! Probably would have stopped me sending him a text as well! (I deleted the number out of my phn, but remembered I had it written down ages ago when I first got it from him.) He texted me back to say he appreciated knowing I was thinking of hiim, that it did help and he had been thinking of me today as well. I'm glad I could help him, but now I do feel hurt and concerned that this could start everything back up again. I'm hurt because I want so much to actually be there with him today, and I thought I was over thinking like that. u r so right: NC=no new hurts. But, even so,I'm not sorry I did it, not today anyway. I'm sure I will be when I start the NC again though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011

Oh WhoAmI, I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. It is so clear from your post that you are trying to do the "right" thing for xAP and for yourself without fully understanding that your efforts to "help" are probably doing more harm than good.

Of course those texts made you both feel better - for at least a few moments. A's are an addiction and like any addiction another hit of feel-goods always

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011

Thanks Kat. I know what you are saying is so true. And, if I am being honest with myself, I would say that I do now regret breaking NC. I am already back to waiting for my phn to buzz, watching facebook like a hawk, etc. He said he wanted to share something with me that he had heard today, but couldn't do it just yet, hence the waiting for my phn to buzz!

But, I do still believe in the reasons for NC, and even though I know next time will be even harder, I know I will have to get through it. And, you're right, there will always be an excuse to break NC, but I need to remember that it is not my job to be there for him when bad things do happen. I need to remember that he does have close friends, family members, etc he can lean on. and I need to remember that any short term 'help' I can give him through contacting him will only end up hurting us both even more in the end.

Thanks again for your support. It's a bit hard to hear, but I appreciate you are trying to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
It's ok. His msg was actually about making sacrifices for the ppl u love (that was the thing he heard today and wanted to share with me). He said that he thinks by us not being in contact we r sacrificing, but we r doing it out of love for each other. He says things like that and I love him even more! But, its great for me to know he also believes NC is the right thing to do. Will make it a bit easier to stick to it (i hope!).
One thing I am not sure about though....he asked if I could ask my sis-in-law (who knows about us) to contact him if something ever happened to me or someone in my family. I said I would ask her, but not sure if that is healthy? Like u said, there will always be a reason to break NC. And, what if something did happen to one of my loved ones, and sis-in-law told him....I'm sure he would prob then want to contact me himself, and so it begins again...???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009

I know it will just echo what Kat has said but sometimes hearing it repeated helps me. There will always be a reason we can make into justifying why we need to break NC but none are good enough (except for exceptions Kat mentioned). Yes it can help to think of NC as a gift, as really showing you care about xAP but in order for it to be it has to be NC not talking about it being the right thing to do. And then has to come the switch of helping/worrying about yourself not investing that energy into xAP regardless of what hurt/pain he may be feeling.

I too have broken NC because I wanted to comfort xAP or reassure him. 8 mos ago I broke it because I had moved to Asia, xAP and I had stopped contact before it was definate and I justified it that I wanted to alert him that I was safe and happy (if he was worried). Not a good reason to break NC. Yes he told me he was wondering, and yes he was worried about me, glad to know I was okay. And it felt good to know he was thinking of me, but then I set my healing back/ his healing back. And if I hadn't been safe or happy, etc. he could have done nothing about it and it changes nothing about the A needing to end.

In regards to your other question, no you shouldn't tell Sister-in-law to alert him if something happens to you. What will that do? Kat already asked you some of the those good questions about who are the people who actually can comfort him? Same goes with you. Heaven forbid a tragedy befall you, but if it did, is he the one who can ride back in and help? It is a bitter pill to swallow that we can never be their friend. And those enders who have been with AP during personal tragedies now first hand how painful that is and how much of an outsider you always are. I know if I got seriously ill and someone alerted xAP he wouldn't be able to help and it would only cause him pain and stir up things he's healing from.

NC needs to be final and forever. Painful in short-term but ultimately the only way to freedom and healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

Katt and Kp have this covered!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Just to back up what has already been said by the amazing Kat & Kp ... you are clearly resisting NC and grappling for reasons & ways to keep the door open. Ending an affair comes with the realization (in time) that you engaged in very destructive behaviors at the expense of everyone you love and care about. His lame lines that it is because you love one another so much so you have to let one another go --- seriously? Please don't take those to heart as they are lines many of us heard or said to our xAPs.

I am telling you, the path to healing comes with accountability & taking responsibility. NOT wallowing in the love that couldn't be BS. This was an affair - complete with all the lies, manipulation & deceit that one could muster.

This may sound harsh, but I am telling you ... there is NO point in focusing on what your fogged in mind thinks is important about him & the affair. You need to BLOCK all avenues of contact and say GOOD-BYE. Time to free yourself from the painful grips of your obsessive behaviours.

This is NC. This isn't no contact until .... unless ... to show him ... this is it. DONE. This isn't I will do NC when I feel ready, when "this" passes, tomorrow, next week. Time to regain dignity and self-respect NOW.

Much courage and strength to you,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Good cause, my ass.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

Thank you for that, Clarity.

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