I called to make the appointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
I called to make the appointment
15
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 11:43am

My H found out about my A about 1 1/2 years ago. Although he didn't know it continued. He has had such a horrible year and a half. Just recently he decided he was going to go talk to a couselor and try to work through my betrayal. He has went twice to talk to a marriage counselor. He has been wanting me to go with him but I have been dragging my feet. I am not sure why. I think part of me realizes that if I am going to go to m counseling that I need to make a commitment to try and work on my m and I can't do that if I am still involved with mm. I would have to give him up. I haven't been ready to do that until now. I called and left a message to set up an appointment. (The therapist told him to give me her card and that I had to make the step to set up the appointment). I emailed my h and he is excited that I made the step. I have to go the first time by myself and then we will go together.

I do have a question though. Do I keep to the original story about my A that I told my h or do I tell her the truth? My H has told me many times he wished he never knew about the a, so I will not tell him the whole extent of it. I told him that we were only together a few times and that there were no feelings involved. I am not sure if the patient couselor priveledge applies to me even though my h was her patient first. I will not disclose the whole truth to her if there is a chance that she will tell or even imply to my h that there is more to the story. I do not feel the need to hurt him any more than I already have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 12:15pm

I would tell the therapist the full story and just tell her like you told us here. The best way for this to work would be for you to have one on one as well as marriage counseling. In marriage counseling you will be working on your issues between your husband and yourself, the actual date the A ended isnt as important as that fact that it is over. I went to MC and I was still having the A and it was a total waste of time and money.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 12:19pm
If therapy is to do you any good then you must tell her the truth about the A. She is bound by the patient couselor priveledge. Together you can decide what/how much to tell H. In time you may change your mind on telling. Best wishes with therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 12:27pm
Thanks Ivy,
That is why I didn't want to go until it was over. I have a degree in psychology and I know that it will be a waste of time and money if I am trying to work on my m and have an a at the same time. Thanks for the advice, I will tell her the truth but stand firm with her in the fact that I will not tell my h any more about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:24pm
Hi
Based on my personal experience I feel like I have to chime in. I was in the same boat as you in the sense that H knew "part" of the truth of what happened. I was going to individual T and then my T convinced me to try MC with H. Two observations:
1. I had to quit MC after a few weeks because I knew it was a waste of time if I wasn't letting go of OM.
2. Telling the MC the "Whole" story caused more harm then good. The T recognized the patient/counsellor priviledge, but also acknowledged the difficulty in her knowing more than my husband knew. She was bound to not say anything unless I gave permission, but her guidance would never be as powerful as it needed to be because she was in a compromised position. It also created a scenario, where I felt that the counsellor was part of my "conspiracy" because she was helping me to hide details from my H. Had my H ever found out that the MC knew more than he, it would have shattered any bit of trust that he still had left. My vote is to keep the details to yourself and let your H and T know the highlights and motivations but not the details.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:00pm

My experience was rather different. I was fencesitting when we entered MC and H & I had no idea whether we were going to reconcile or simply part as amicably as possible.

Our MC asked us how we wished to proceed, whether we wanted a full & frank or a more softly-softly, delicate approach. H & I were both keen on the brutal honesty approach therefore all came out in MC. Everything. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, dates, times, locations, positions.

It was important to H *and* to me that we each have a factual basis upon which we could both decide whether our marriage was something we wanted to rebuild.

Withholding information is only lying by omission. I'd already made a lie of our marriage and our only way forward was to obliterate all the lies that I'd allow to chip away at our relationship.

Years on, it worked and continues to work for us.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:02pm
Thanks for your reply. I am really glad you decided to share your experience. I had not thought of it that way. Considering that the A is over, as long as I can stay strong, how important is it that she knows the whole truth? I may tell her a little about how strong my feelings were/are but I don't think the other details are important to the mc process. I agree, the motivation behind my choice to have an a is what is important, not how long it lasted or the details involved.....Thanks again,
AS
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:15pm
But my H knows about the a...I have come clean about that. I am not sure what good it will do to hurt him even more by telling him that once again I risked my m to be with mm. I don't think he needs to know that instead of it lasting 4 months it lasted 2 years and that I was ready to leave my m to be with this man. I have hurt my h enough and I don't want to hurt him even more if it's possible not to. If the a was still continuing, I can see how it would be relevant but it is over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:24pm

I know that honesty is good but sometimes, there is more harm done than good. You told your H about the affair. Thats really all he needs to know. Others may disagree. I see no benefit to telling him about your pain and suffering and confusion. That is your "stuff" and you would only be dumping it on him. He must be so happy that you are agreeing to go to MC. That is great. Don't wreck it for him. If you want your marriage to work, focus on him and on it.

I am seeing my exH again and he knows about my affair and he knows that the resulting rel'ship was bad but doesn't know the full extent - he has no clue about all this stuff I post here. He wouldnt want to! If its over, its over. Put it all in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 2:43pm
I agree with you. You are right, he knew I was dragging my feet about the mc and I sure he could figure out why. He is extremely excited, he said that he knows it is going to hurt to get some of the things out in the open, like the problems in our marriage that allowed my lapse in judgement, but he said it was worth it. I am not going to once again dash the hopes he has for us. I did enough of that on D-day. I have promised myself that even under the threat of torture, I will stick to my original story and will NEVER tell him the rest of the truth. It may be lying by omission but he doesn't deserve anymore pain because of me.....I wish I could magically make myself love him like I love mm.....Is there a chance that you and your exH would get back together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 3:03pm

You don't know this yet but what you feel for MM is not love. You think it is but one day when you hold it up to the sun you will see it for what it truly it. I am struggling with that right now.

I don't know. We had a short and rocky marriage. My x had massive emotional problems and we moved to a new city and he completely shut down and was either totally ignoring me or was mean to me, verbally abusive. I had a big X on my forehead for MM to pick up on. Anyway, so my x and I have been divorced for one year now and we were separated back in summer 03. We started to see each other back last fall but I was still seeing MM so it just didn't work. But now, we have been casually dating for 6 weeks now AND this is the first time (sad to admit) that I've been faithful to him, though we are actually not committed yet. the truth is that I have a problem with fidelity. Not random hookups but I split myself into two where I am the good g/f or w/f and my other half knows one side of me and I have someone else on the side on whom I give all my passion, hopes, dreams, craziness to. Its usually a long term thing on the side. Knowing this finally, I am going to try to put the halves together and give all of me to the same person. I don't know what the result will be with my exH. He's never had all of me. Sad to say, I'm not even sure if I am capable of doing it. Sometimes I am afraid this is who I am. I want to be normal like other people and not have all this stress and drama and chaos in my life. Noone really knows this about me so everyone blames my exH and as a result, I have little to no support in my seeing him again. It makes it harder with MM ardently pursuing me. Sigh.

Ivy

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