I can't believe I am in another affair!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
I can't believe I am in another affair!
14
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:32am

I had an EMA with an MM in 2000 while I was still married and abusing alcohol. It was a three-month physical affair that continued another two years via email and chat until the end of 2002 when I entered a rehab for alcoholism. My(now ex)DH discovered those emails and chats hidden in my computer while I was in rehab and filed for divorce in spring of 2003. I later moved 800 miles away with our 2 children to another part of the country to be with family and to start a new (sober) life. The divorce became final in September 2004.

OK, so here I am a single mom raising two children looking for a little excitement in my life. I placed an ad in an online personal looking for a casual relationship in October 2004. I found a hottie eight years younger than me with a live-in girlfriend who was looking for some excitement as well. I knew I didn't want to get involved with another MM, but thought this might be different since he isn't married and no longer am I. I bit the bullet and agreed to give it a whirl. We've been seeing each other once a week for the past six months now. I thought I could handle it but now I'm starting to have feelings for him. Why can't women be like men and have sex without feelings?

I know I should get out while I still can before my feelings start spiraling out of control and I end up getting burned, but I have already become addicted to the sex. I know from past experience and the very nature of addiction that it isn't HIM that I am addicted to, it's the "high" that I get from being with him. I know in my heart that even if he were to dump the g/f that a relationship with this man is not feasible. I would never be able to trust him. He has never been married and has told me himself that he has never been faithful in a relationship. Nor have I, for that matter. What's really strange is that I haven't had sex with anyone else since we started the A, yet I'm free as a bird to sleep with anyone I so desire. I had more variety when I was married! I find that peculiar. Can anyone explain that?

So, ladies (and gentlemen), I need a boot in the ass. Please remind me why I need to get out of this arrangement -- and how. I keep making excuses to myself and keep saying "not yet." And while you're at it, can somebody please explain why I chose an UNAVAILABLE man when I am free to be with whomever I wish?

Thanks for your input.

Holly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:46am

WAIT A SECOND!!!!!! Two days ago I was reading what you wrote here...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=40239.7

and you saying "don't do it" and now... you're saying you've been involved in another affair for the last 6 months!?!?!?!?! WHY would you go back there... did you think being involved in a different capacity would make the whole "affair" different!?!?! It doesn't... it STILL sucks!

I'm a single 29 year old woman and being involved with someone who is married is the WORST fate a single person can ask for...

don't do it Holly - come to your senses girl and GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find an available SINGLE man and find REAL LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and I will try to take my own advice in the meantime!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:04pm

Holly,

It's wonderful you're beating one addiction and not so wonderful to be swapping it for another which isn't any healthier.

You don't mention the age of your kids, and it doesn't much matter except that they are looking to you for an example of what a healthy, loving relationship is. Right now, you're showing them that it's okay to be someone's bit on the side and that other people's feelings don't much matter so long as we get what we want.

We don't get a second shot at teaching/showing our kids what is and isn't acceptable behavior in a love relationship or how to set appropriate boundaries. Therapy doesn't come cheap either and that's often needed to patch these kids up (I was one of them) when they are brought up in an atmosphere of lies & deceit and instant gratification in preference to the longer term delayed gratification of goal-oriented achievements.

If you can be proud of all of your actions openly without secrets or lies, you are being a good role model. If not, we can't be surprized when our kids do as we did rather than whatever it was we might have said while doing something entirely different.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:21pm

Gee Holly, can you say "substitution????"

As addicts, aren't we continuously looking for something to fill the crummy painful void? If its not drugs and alcohol, it's sex or shopping or food or exercise or chocolate or gambling...we never run out of things to substitute with.

While I completely understand and agree with everything Lefeen says, I also understand that being an addict makes for a totally different mindset. We're willing to sacrific our social acceptability (and that's what Lefeen has brought at issue here in some respects) for the "high." You just aren't seeing it that way right now.

Have you done a sixth step yet? Have you clearly looked at your character defects? You need to get at the exact nature of why you crave unavailable men. Sounds like an intimacy issue to me, but I'm not expert on Holly... But I do know this: its not spiritual to be in a relationship just for the great sex. I hear people, men in particular, sharing about this at meetings all the time. And eventually the pain of chasing great sex; be it from relationships or paid professionals, becomes way too much and we can't live with the price anymore.

Well, you already know that this isn't about HIM, it's about the A. But Honey, before you cause any more major unmanageability in your life, would ya please get with your sponsor or your female network and figure out why you keep doing this? Its not likely that anyone on this board will REALLY know, because I do believe this stems from your addiction. And as you know, "the therapuetic value of one addict helping another is without parallel." Hang in there, love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:24pm
I am with you 100%. When I embarked on this new affair, I honestly thought where neither one of us was married, it would be different. The simple fact is, he IS attached, and as much as he whines and complains about his relationship, he doesn't show any signs of leaving her. In fact, just a couple months ago, he confessed that she was PREGNANT! I told him that changed things for me and that I needed some time to think about whether I wanted to continue. Things were in limbo with us for a month or so, and now he tells me she lost the baby. I'm sure he is lying either about her being pregnant or about losing the baby. I don't even bother to call him on it as I know that would just create more lies. I just look the other way and continue saying yes when he calls as if I'm possessed. Meanwhile, I have had several available men pursue me and I dump them after a date or two claiming there is no chemistry. I was in therapy for a while and it helped me. I apparently need to go back to determine why I have chosen this route. I am obviously trying to avoid a commitment by choosing to get involved with an unavailable man. What I'd like to know is...WHY??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:49pm

yep... my therapist told me that I create relationships where I don't have to commit and attach to the same person! I have a guy that I've "dated" for 8 years and can commit to... but there's very little attachment (as in sexual or relationship type of attachment - cause he is my best friend). Then there was exMM who I was TOTALLY attached to (still am to some degree) but there was no need to worry about the commitment part which I was good with (I wasn't aware I was good with it - but apparently that was what made me feel comfortable doing it - because I'm not capable of committing and attaching to the same man till I get some stuff figured out! :p ). Apparently we all have our issues to work out! :p I hope you work yours out and get out of the crazy web of OM.

"As addicts, aren't we continuously looking for something to fill the crummy painful void? If its not drugs and alcohol, it's sex or shopping or food or exercise or chocolate or gambling...we never run out of things to substitute with."

Oh how I wish "exercise" was my uncontrollable vice! :p

Edited 6/1/2005 12:51 pm ET ET by imanewposter




Edited 6/1/2005 12:51 pm ET ET by imanewposter
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:08am

>>"can somebody please explain why I chose an UNAVAILABLE man when I am free to be with whomever I wish?"<<

FEAR OF INTAMACY, if this guy got single all of a sudden you would be gone quick.

You need to treat the cause of the problem not just the symptoms or this will continue over and over and over again until you risk finding yourself old and alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:44pm

Hey, LeFeen, I understand and appreciate your concern regarding my children. They are aged 12 and 9, but are completely unaware of the A. I only entertain him when the children are either at school or at my parents' home overnight. (What is the abbreviation for a man who has a girlfriend when I am single? It wouldn't be OM or MM because neither applies.)

In fact, the children have only seen one man in my bed and that was my b/f with whom I was in a committed (albeit brief) relationship last summer. They adored him and we did a lot of family-oriented things together. When he and I broke up, the kids were upset, so I am not going to expose them to that again unless the relationship is very long-term. I have dated other men since then and very occasionally introduce them if they happen to be present when I am picked up, but I generally arrange my dates for the one night a week that they spend at my parents. I look forward to that night when I can get a break and enjoy some adult conversation and company!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 10:11pm

Holly,

Kids are rarely half as oblivious as we as parents would like to believe. I wasn't even a teenager before I knew very well my father had GF's that weren't my Mom. That was in the days before email/IM's/cell phones, etc. He never said anything, he didn't have to do or say anything. It was just obvious because I was neither blind nor stupid.

My Dad's *words* were "I have honor, I have integrity, never settle for any man with less than those two things." Meanwhile, his *actions* showed me that men you love lie, cheat, deceive & betray in a committed relationship.

Guess which message I (and most other kids of cheating parents) took to heart? I swore blind I'd never ever cheat or permit cheating on me since I knew well the destruction it causes. So far in my adult relationships I've been married twice - one husband who cheated on me and one husband on whom I cheated.

I saw my life was unmanageable so I hit the therapist's office. Best thing I ever did.

If you are *being* the woman you'd like your daughter to grow up to be or even the woman you'd like your son to choose for a wife, then you're probably doing okay. Otherwise, you're *telling* them to do something rather different than you're *showing* them. And guess which message they are going to hear...

All the best to you and your kids, Holly.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 11:28pm

OK, I agree that I am not making choices in my life right now that I would want my children to choose as adults. I am not happy or proud of my current situation:it is wrong and hypocritical of a woman in a recovery program! In my defense (not that you are attacking me) I will say that I am currently in therapy and have discussed the A with my T. Also, please note that I am posting on the ENDING an Affair board rather than the MY AFFAIR board, which at the very least means that I realize my recent actions are not moral and I am seriously considering ending it once and for all. I'm reading the board daily, but mostly lurking to gather insight and to strengthen my resolve. I WILL end it, I just don't know exactly when yet -- or how. I already know WHY.

In fact, I did end it once, a month ago, when I suspected that he was seeing other women as well. We didn't see each other for a month, but I ended up emailing him, saying I hope we could remain friends. Dumb, dumb, dumb! Then we spoke on the phone a couple times and he told me how much he missed "it" and how much he always looked forward to "it" and said we had a "connection." I agreed, of course, and since I was going through withdrawal, I caved. He came over a week and a half ago. It seemed completely different; it was more tender and intimate. We also spent two hours lying in bed sharing very personal feelings and experiences. This, of course, deepened my feelings for him and actually gave me the impression that there was actually some potential for a relationship. Was that his intention to keep me hooked?

This past week, I had a reality check. On the phone he told me he had just looked at a house, a huge one, with enough bedrooms for their three children combined from previous relationships set on 14 acres for them to explore and ride motorbikes on! I got a big pit in my stomach. I thought to myself, here's a woman who's b/f buys her a damn HOUSE who supposedly won't give him enough sex (if any) and here I am, taking care of his every sexual need and desire, on his terms and his schedule, and he can't so much as bring me a t-shirt from his bar that he owns even though I've asked him twice now! That did it! So the day we were supposed to meet, I called him and cancelled without explanation to buy me some time to think about this. I left a voicemail and he didn't even call back to ask why. I've talked to my nearest and dearest friends about it. I'm reading all the posts about fantasy vs reality and how we OWs were so disillusioned and duped into staying on. I'm putting all my ducks in a row, so to speak. I am gathering the courage. I'm almost there. Please be patient with me. I'm an addict. It is so very hard to give up something you truly want and need and ENJOY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 12:30am

Yep, Mo, you hit the nail on the head! I've started to backslide a bit here, and need to get back on track. I know sex for the sake of sex is not spiritually sound nor is it aligned with my recovery program. The A came about on the heels of a painful ending of a relationship with another man who was emotionally unavailable. He was in recovery as well, but his wife was in jail for drug crimes. When we met via a personal ad on a romance and dating website (not casual sex) he seemed resolved that his marriage was over. We started out with a bang (pardon the pun) and the sex was incredible. But as soon as I told him I cared about him, he bolted. We talked about it a couple days later and he announced that he was only interested in being F buddies with me. By then, I was so into him (the sex) that I agree. I couldn't get what I wanted from him, so I took what I could get. I settled. UGH!

During the next couple months, he played a lot of head games and power trips with me which drove me crazy. It was the chaser/runner dynamic discussed in a great thread about Addictive and Co-dependent relationships started by Free. Finally, around Christmas, the day after he gave me a beautiful crucifix necklace, he decided he would take his wife back and give the marriage another try. I was sad but I accepted and respected that. Then two days later, I saw him sitting with a new woman from the program at a meeting and realized that he had lied to me! I left the meeting in tears! My A started less than a month later. The opportunity presented itself and I figured what the Hell! I was tired of the dating game and thought a nice little strings-free fling would fill the loneliness and despair I felt after having been dumped by two men in 4 months. But wouldn't ya know that just two months into it, I switched from being indifferent about him and being in control of when and if we would get together to being needy and dependent so that for the past couple months HE has been calling the shots. A complete role reversal!

So, I have been wondering lately if my major addiction is sex/love/relationships and perhaps it is only now coming to light now that I am sober. I've been reading a great book called, Women, Sex, and Addiction: The Search for Love and Power, that has given me a lot of insight and has me nodding my head in recognition of myself in the pages. I will have to bring this up at my next T session and delve deeper into my childhood to try and understand my fear of rejection/abandonment issues. It seems that every time I get dumped, I am overcome with grief that incapacitates me for weeks. Yet, every time, I admit to myself later that I wasn't happy in the relationship either. Just the experience of being abandoned totally crushes me. It's horrible!

Anyway, I digress. Thanks Mo, for reading between the lines and calling a spade a spade. It really is helpful to hear from another recovering addict; there is a common bond that others simply cannot understand.

Hugs,
Holly

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