I cant believe I am still here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
I cant believe I am still here....
14
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:43pm

Hello All,

Some of you may remember me. I have been back and forth on this board for about a year. I have swayed back and forth from NC to contact with xMM and I am not that much further than I was a year ago. When we began the "only friendship" contact I thought it not fair that I continue to post here. So I walked away from the board. I come here often to check in on those I am familiar with and read their updates. I also come here to read all the posts and see all the similar patterns of pain that everyone undergoes to walk from the A. I just felt like venting today....so I am here. :-)

The emotional part of the A that began 2 years ago has definitely taken a different turn. Free, the very first thing you said to me was the only way to recover is NO CONTACT! I know you are right, but I struggled with it. I got sucked back in time and time again. But like I told Katie, I AM DONE! I cant tell you how exhausted I am from this. I just began going to a T as part of my attempt to be committed to totally walking away from this DRUG! It is not love, it is simply an addiction that I need to rid my body of. I always heard that here. That the A is a drug. I am addicted. I am trying to break the addiction in order to find myself again and be 110% committed to by family. I thought I could be rid of this A totally by myself and I realize that I am just not strong enough. I need help to do it. I resisted the T concept but I realized that I will find myself in a very bad place one day if I dont commit to resolving my internal issues that may be associated with the A. The T made some interesting correlations that I never even thought of. It felt so good just to speak to someone. It was like a cleansing of the soul. After I left I felt that I had released all this pent up anguish.

A's are a terrible thing. The recovery is often long and torturous. I have been tortured long enough. I have allowed him to take advantage of my weakness. Dont let them break you. I have been struggling here for far too long. Many of the ones that came here when I first came here have far surpassed me in their recovery. I was hoping I would be one of the ones to come here in a years time and offer encouraging words of how great it feels to be healed and rid of the A. Fortunately, I am not in it like I once was but it is time to get off the emotional roller coaster completely. It is time to be strong and committed. I AM DONE.

Wishing you all peace and positive energy for your own personal recoveries...

xo!

Dipss

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 6:23pm

HELLO Dipps

Long time know no post, nice to here from you again.

In due time you may very well find your self dropping in a few times to encourage others before moving on with your real life again, ALL THINGS IN THERE TIME.

If as you say YOUR DONE and have trully reached that point deep down in the bottom of your soul then there is nothing or no one that will be able to keep you involve, we enter stay in and in time exit affairs because we choose to, no one else can make the decision to exit stage left but you, if you have done it then the affair is trully over.

I know that you work with XMM so have you considered a job change or transfer to another office to put some distance between you so that you can start TOTAL NO CONTACT ??

Dipps as always you have my best wishs.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:07am

Hey Dipss! So good to hear from you! I checked in this morning and saw posts from two of my old friends, you and Clarice! (and thats "old" as in haven't heard from you in a good long while!!!!)

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't made much progress putting a bullet in your A. Truthfully, it didn't sound like you were quite ready to do it last summer when you were posting here. Look at it this way, though, if you had suffered thru it last summer, you'd be 6 or so months into it by now!

UGH! My family just came in from playing in the $%^&*snow - which I hate - and they're screaming for hot chocolate. Let me finish posting after I've "served" them. They're home from school today, the little darlings...

Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:19am
Don't feel bad, I'm still here too, since the end of the summer. I also stayed away because I thought that it wasn't right to be in contact with him and also be on this board but I think it may have been another form of denial for me-stay away from the support & encouragement & proven advice, so I can keep doing what I know I shouldn't. BUT, I really do think Free is right; we will get there in our own time and we'll know when we're ready. If you don't know me, my A. has been going on for 12 years, so you can imagine how I feel. I was reading one of Posie's links the other day, about how long it takes to recover & it said, in general, about half as long as the relationship & I almost died!! But, the longer I stay in, the longer it will take so I may as well start sometime soon. Good luck, keep trying, one of these days it will stick.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:55am

Hey Free,

We do not work in the same office but in the same industry and are often at the same social events and our paths cross quite easily. So its not the worst but enough to set me back. He is very good at keeping me on the emotional roller coaster. He pulls away and the comes back and so on and so on. I always cave it seems. But on Friday I emailed him and told him I needed his advice on something and he didnt respond or call me. The week before he had needed my "opinion and advice" and I immediately reached out to him. The week before that he wanted some "distance" between us and then he reaches out to me. I prepare myself mentally to get out of it and then he does or says things that sucks me right back in. Anyway, the fact that he chose to ignore my email where I needed his help with somthing is truly indicative of his completely selfish ways. So why do I keep going back to this a**??? That is what I am trying to figure out. I cant wait to Wednesday therapy session. I am also stressing right now cuz' Wednesday we are both going to a social outing so I will see him. As my friend Katie says, maintain an "indifferent" attitude to him. So stressing out about, do I talk to him? Do I not? Ignore him? Be overly friendly then just walk away and find someone else to talk to. All these situations are all being played out in my head. I WILL BE STRONG! I WILL NOT CAVE TO ANY OF HIS FLIRTATIOUS ATTEMPTS.

I am confident that my time spent in T will make me stronger and give me the courage and confidence to be rid of him completely!

Nice to hear from you!

Thanks!

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:15pm

Hi Dipss

Your XMM sounds like a typical narcessitic MANIPULATOR, it is totally about powe rand control over another person... it shows his own pathetic insecurities.

SEE THE LINKS IN THE NEXT SECTION DOWN.

The million $ question is what is your payoff for letting this happen, dear your not being sucked back in as you will discover one day down the road one you get to the place were you are DONE WITH HIM deep down in your heart then it will be over and nothing or no one will be able to suck you back in, no amount of MANIPULATION will have the desired effect.

You get back into it because YOU choose to get back into it, something in you is wants something he is offering and for the moment your will to be treated like dirt to get it, learning what that is and creating new coping skills is were your T should be able to help you, it takes time and effort so be patient.

Way do you have to go to the event, find a reason to beg off and if you can't insist that your hubby come along and glue yourself to his arm and shower him with your attention.

Indifference not hate as I once told Katie is the opposite of love and that is were you want to get were XMM is concerned.

The fact that you returned to this board after the beating you took from ME the last time you were his says a lot about you and I believe the fact that you are making emotional forward movement. (you will be happy to know that I rarely take my stick out of the closet anymore).

Hang in there YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT.... HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 6:03pm
Yeah Dipss, I gotta agree with Free here. Once you make up your mind to end the A, you WILL do it. You'll WANT to stick with it, and that will be your motivation. You'll see his every attempt to suck you back in for exactly what it is, manipulation, selfishness and unloving. To me, anyway, Dipss, you don't sound like a woman whose easily sucked in. Apply it in ending this A. You can do it, we can help!!!! Love, Mo

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 7:31am

Hi dips -

I haven't been on the board in quite some time but once in a while will read the posts.
I got over my XMM because I too, had reached the point where I just couldn't play that role anymore. The lies, deceit, well, you know.

I did see a T and it helped because in my mind it was like 'little assignments'. So of course, being the A student that I am, I did not want to disappoint her. She didn't give me that much advice on the A other than to quit emailing him and only say 'hi' at work.
But she helped me with my H. She would encourage me, etc.

I read some books on Karma that helped me a lot. Try that. It might sink in. Here's an excerpt: Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Also, remember this: WE CHOOSE OUR OWN ACTIONS. WE CREATE OUR OWN KARMA. Here is a web site I found helpful: http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/karma.html#7

Anyway, the best of luck to you, I know how hard it is. And I do work w/XMM - we can talk now. Free is right, it's when you feel indifference that you know you made it!

Oh, and one more thing. The one time I saw my XMM in a meeting and I choose to ignore him (the T had told me to say 'hi' and that was it) I felt terrible after ignoring him because he left the meeting early (I was planning to say hi at the break). The next time I saw him I gave him a huge hug (just instinct) and so I know it sent the wrong message. The T told me 'now wouldn't it have been better just to say 'hi'? LOL - she was right, so take the advice you get from you T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:02pm

Hello All,

Thank you for your encouraging posts and familiar reminders. Well here is my update. I did see xMM yesterday at our work function. To make a long story short. He was trying very hard to talk to me and was constantly around me and entering converstions with which ever group I was talking to. I tried the "indifferent" approach. For the most part I handled it well. But inside I was throwing up. It was soooooo hard! As my T told me yesterday and simply confirmed everything you have all said. NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY. This is like an addict. And a dosage of xMM can send me back 10 steps. She made an analogy like..."one drink is never enough and 1000 is too many". She said its the same with xMM.

BTW- he had called me yesterday during the day. My asst. picked up the phone and I told her to say I would call him back. I have never done that! I always take the call. And as hard as it was not to call him back. I didnt. I ripped up the message and continued on with my day.

My T did ask me yesterday if I really wanted to end this. My response to her was "yes but I just dont know how to do that exactly and that is partly why I am here and that a part of me was really scared of the finality of the whole thing." When she asked what I was scared of exactly, I didnt really know. I have never been good at goodbyes or ending things. At one point I asked her why he did certain things to me. And she said I dont know him and I dont really care and it doesnt matter. She only cares about figuring out why I act in certain ways and do certain things and is interested in only me. I have to tell you that I think finally going to a T is gonna help me. I truly dont believe I could have done this by myself. I tried for a year...and well we all know where that got me. Not too far.

iv - thank you for the tips on the Karma. I loved it!!!!

Thanks again to all of you.

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:59pm

(((((Dipss))))) your T gave you some really good advice. What she said about "one is too many and a thousand never enough?" that's a Narcotics Anonymous saying, and truer words... One of our other sayings is "when we use drugs in any form, we release our addiction all over again." Apply this to your A as well. When you have contact with XMM in any form, you're right back in it. You may not be right back in the thick of it, like if I had a glass of wine with dinner tonight, but eventually you will be. And I can promise you that one glass of wine with dinner, in my case, could well lead to me dancing on a bar in Manhattan at 4:00 a.m. It might not happen tonight, but it will eventually. And so will you be back with XMM.

Your T is also dead-on when she said that it doesn't matter what the heck your XMM (notice I keep calling him the "XMM?") is doing or thinking. It only matters where Dipss' head is right now. What's going on? What buttons is this situation pushing? And why are you afraid to end it? What do you think is going to happen if he's out of your life for good?????

Chew on that, Dipss. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 1:11pm

Ok Mo,

I have missed your wise words of wisdom and leaving me with good things to chew on.

She also asked me "could you imagine your life without all the drama. what does that look like to you to just focus on my H and DS." I couldnt answer that one either.

So you gave me lots to think about and so has she. I love reading what you have to say.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xo!

Dipss

ps - you did make me chuckle with the dancing on the bar comment. simply because i have been known to do that when i have had one too many.

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