I cant believe I am still here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
I cant believe I am still here....
14
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:43pm

Hello All,

Some of you may remember me. I have been back and forth on this board for about a year. I have swayed back and forth from NC to contact with xMM and I am not that much further than I was a year ago. When we began the "only friendship" contact I thought it not fair that I continue to post here. So I walked away from the board. I come here often to check in on those I am familiar with and read their updates. I also come here to read all the posts and see all the similar patterns of pain that everyone undergoes to walk from the A. I just felt like venting today....so I am here. :-)

The emotional part of the A that began 2 years ago has definitely taken a different turn. Free, the very first thing you said to me was the only way to recover is NO CONTACT! I know you are right, but I struggled with it. I got sucked back in time and time again. But like I told Katie, I AM DONE! I cant tell you how exhausted I am from this. I just began going to a T as part of my attempt to be committed to totally walking away from this DRUG! It is not love, it is simply an addiction that I need to rid my body of. I always heard that here. That the A is a drug. I am addicted. I am trying to break the addiction in order to find myself again and be 110% committed to by family. I thought I could be rid of this A totally by myself and I realize that I am just not strong enough. I need help to do it. I resisted the T concept but I realized that I will find myself in a very bad place one day if I dont commit to resolving my internal issues that may be associated with the A. The T made some interesting correlations that I never even thought of. It felt so good just to speak to someone. It was like a cleansing of the soul. After I left I felt that I had released all this pent up anguish.

A's are a terrible thing. The recovery is often long and torturous. I have been tortured long enough. I have allowed him to take advantage of my weakness. Dont let them break you. I have been struggling here for far too long. Many of the ones that came here when I first came here have far surpassed me in their recovery. I was hoping I would be one of the ones to come here in a years time and offer encouraging words of how great it feels to be healed and rid of the A. Fortunately, I am not in it like I once was but it is time to get off the emotional roller coaster completely. It is time to be strong and committed. I AM DONE.

Wishing you all peace and positive energy for your own personal recoveries...

xo!

Dipss

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:53pm

I know for me, Dipss, all the drama was KEY to being in the A. I don't watch soap operas, haven't since college, but I have a feeling that for a while there the writers from General Hospital should have been following me around with a notepad. And I truly did love it.

The chaos kept me from focusing on what was wrong with me. And let me tell you, Dipss, there's alot wrong with me!

When you take away all the chaos, you're left with you. As the result of alot of therapy, I'm now be okay being left with me, but it wasn't always as palatable as it is today...

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:57pm
After I ended my post to you, it occurred to me that sometimes I live in chaos vicariously by spending too much darned time hanging out on these boards!!! I'm not particularly busy in my office today so I've been posting all over ivillage since I got here this morning, just soaking in the chaos!! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:22pm
Dipss has already heard more than enough from me, but I did want to say HELLO to you, Mo!!! Seeing you, clarice, dipss, all here again makes me feel kind of nostalgic in a weird sort of way! :) Sounds like you're doing well, and I am glad to hear it!
xo, K.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:49pm

I read your post and i am so much like you. Two years of me happy to get the crumbs he gives here and there. Your situation is so like mine. I have really tried not to talk to this man. I have even stopped once for 6 months. It was so hard but I had no way to reach him and it was aweful. I thought I was over it but I was not. We spoke January first and have seen him three times. Those times told me how much I still had these strong feelings. I hope to end my situation very soon. Very,very soon. That is my hope. Maybe we can handle this stuggle together.

SIenna

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