I can't breathe!
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| Wed, 05-12-2010 - 9:32pm |
WTF... It's been 5 months of strictly no contact and I am finally NOW feeling the effects??? I didn't so much care in the beginning, I was doing well...and now, I can't get him off my mind and I hate the fact he's smugly happy in his pathetic excuse for a marriage...and he's getting AWAY with infidelity and lying because SHE won't do anything..
I know...don't worry about what she does, or about their marriage. Focus on myself. But I am dating this new guy that I just don't feel "it" with and I keep thinking of xAP! Argh... I just keep thinking that there is something better out there for me...there has to be! My prince has to be out there... and when I find him I will look back on this time in my life and laugh. I would be so blessed when I find my prince that I'm going to know that this is the reason I waited for...and that xAP was not for me, and that I CAN do better then him! That I deserve better... but where the heck is my prince!?
Argh...wish xAP would just GO AWAY.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No New Hurts
Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.
Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

Hi Lost,
Remnants … remnants … remnants!!!!
I hear you, Ilost. I hear how frustrating it is and that he won't "move out" of your head. I wonder...have you ever studied the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator? (MBTI) I know that it has been really helpful to me over the years in finding who I am compatible with (my "prince" is my husband, thankfully). Google it and learn. Of course, it's not a cure-all but it does help you understand yourself, and maybe therefore understand why you are suddenly missing xAP, and why new man is not "it".
Keep updating, please. Love to you~~
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
First and foremost, I’m glad to hear you are ok. I was a little concerned after your last post for your safety.
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It’s good you don’t feel the “it” because the “it” you felt with xAP was based on unhealthy obsession; excitement from secrecy; the chase of unavailability; a cat and mouse game of winning crumbs; and the thinking you are winning something when in reality you are losing the most important part of self; and the desperate pouring emotions into a black hole. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to feel that kind of “it” with the person I share the rest of my life with.
True love and real love is patient, kind and enduring. Love is deep connecting intimacy, comforting and reassuring. It takes time to develop and starts first within you.
Oh my…as far as the Prince. Well my dear friend Clarity comes to mind and one of her posts:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending/?msg=27868.3
The Prince Ilost, the “real” Prince is really inside you. You are the answer, you are in control of your passion and you are your own rescuer. It all comes from inside you and then you find a person worthy to share it with. That is the ‘it” the shiznit. Don’t be blinded by looking for the feeling of lust or infatuation. Those feelings never last for a long period of time anyway. That’s all based on chemicals and primal instinct and is not the things that make up a lasting relationship. Take some time to get to know this new young man you are dating. See what you have in common and be open to new experiences. It may go somewhere or it may not. Either way you will have gained something from the experience. In the mean time in between time, continue to work on you and work on breaking free of the chains in your mind that continue to hold you to xAP.
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks Ladies,
When I referenced a 'Prince", I don't mean a man to rescue me. I don't need rescuing and I can handle myself in most aspects of my life. hehe except for xAP! Well I take that back because I did handle it- I ENDED IT! hurray.
Well...what I consider a prince is someone that connects with me on all levels and someone that I feel is my soulmate. Really, I do believe in soul mates and yes, there are more than one out there for us all but I feel like I haven't met him yet. And xAP was not him either.
I know that if I had the option to take xAP back I would not. I know that that is not what I want in my life. But this clingy sense of missing him just won't go away...
Thank you all for letting me vent. the journey is long and I'm starting to become impatient...lol
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No New Hurts
Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.
Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
he's smugly happy in his pathetic excuse for a marriage...and he's getting AWAY with infidelity and lying because SHE won't do anything..
Lost, it is their M and however him and her handle it that is their issue not yours. Whatever she is getting from her H is enough for her to stay and whatever she is giving him is enough for him to stay M. It may not be what you want but they are finding something in each other which causes them to stay M. Whatever that is its no one's business because it is the two of them who decided to promise vows to each other. You were a third party in their M even if he did invite you in.
I remember being so like you when I was caught up in my A with a MM. It took me two years of T to realize that I was dysfunctional and my thinking that another woman's H was fair game to me was wrong on so many levels. I went years cycling through men who left me empty. I had to get me right and once I did a man came into my life who was honest, faithful, sincere and loving; and guess what? He didn't hide me out in hotel rooms. He wanted me to meet everyone who was important to him and vise versa. I remember the first time he introduced me to his mother and sister (two most important ppl in his life), he told them that he had found his W. Hearing him say those words with sincerity was better than anything I have ever felt.
I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that you make sure you are healthy enough to attract decent ppl and a man will come into your life who holds the same values and commitment that you have. I believe that when you are at that place where you are totally loving yourself a MM wouldn't even think about disrespecting you by thinking that you are going to
E-1,
Oh how I miss clarity...Please beg her to come back even it is on a once a week or monthly basis. I know she has real life and all, but I miss her raw tell it like it is style....she reminds me of Dee a bit in the sense they pull no punches...I was just hoping she would post once a month or something. I just miss her. She was here with me from the beginning and I just truly miss her. If you ever talk to her, please let her know she is missed and I look forward to hearing from her one day...for now, I have her posts.
Lost,
Hang in there momma, you are have come a long way, Do not let weeds grow in your garden. Make sure you keep some strong weed killer around...exAP got to me about a month ago, I was not pining over him, he was just a fishing and he set me back. I came here and posted and now he can not get to me anymore and I am clear headed, There is no fog and I am the happiest I been in forever. Life has not been a bowl of cherries but its my bowl of cherries with the pits and all. I have these great tools now to make good healthy decisions for myself...the A gave me those.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida