I can't live my life this way...

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I can't live my life this way...
17
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:51am
I woke up this morning feeling sooo empty. Totally missing him and sad. Its frustrating - where's the progress? I know I've been having a lot of good moments and I am making steps forward, but this feeling is terrible. Why do I feel this way? I can almost feel his arms around me and hear him saying "Its gonna be OK". What does that mean?

I want to stop hurting...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:09am
Hi Crystal,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way today. I wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I still have days like that too...hang in there, I know that tomorrow will be better for you!!

Take Care,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:10am
Do you want to know why this happened to you? It is because this A with this OMM has gone on so long that the habit is going to be hard to break. But you have to make up your mind that enough is enough and that you are RESPONSIBLE for your own actions and that just because you have a memory of time with this man, you cannot act on it. This is your cycle. Something happens like this and you let him back in. Crystal, DON'T LET HIM BACK IN. Because to be perfectly honest with you, I don't know how many times I can stand to go through this cycle with you. When are you going the stop this?

You simply cannot continue to live your life based on your "feelings." There comes a point in time when you have to realize that to lead with your mind and your soul is better than leading with your feelings. They will get you no where. It is a lot easier to do when you stop trying to manipulate your future and deal with what is today in your marriage and either fix it or get out. And I don't care what another married person here says about that statement, IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH DEPENDS ON IT.

Please stop this behavior Crystal. You yourself said that you have had better days. Just chalk these feelings up to the devil trying to tempt you. Gonna fall for it now?

See ya.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:16am
Honey, the only way the memories will fade away is with time. Believe it or not, there will be a day when you will have memories of it and not feel any pain. And if you truly want to stop hurting, then you have got to make certain you don't act on those feelings and make contact. If you do, you will only set yourself back and go through more pain. So if you really want the pain to end, then work through what you are feeling now. That is the only answer.

Oh and he is a liar - everything is not going to be okay, not as long as you are around him.

Take care.

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:20am
Don't worry, I won't contact him. I'm in it for the long haul this time...but still I can't believe how strong the feelings can be and how much it can hurt. I just loved him so much and its difficult.

I will work past it all and deal with reality, but just having a very sad morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:32am
Ohhh sweetie, I am sorry you are hurting today. I know you are trying to work on things with your h, but it's like you are trying to rebuild a house that is STILL ON FIRE. Seriously can't you move?. Why is that not an option. If you really want to get your life ontrack, you need to do something drastic. I'm really not sure that just waiting it out is going to make this go away. Something BIG needs to happen. How can you heal when he is such a big part of your lives. I would seriously get the hell out of dodge and start my life over. Maybe others will not agree, but once I knew my om was GONE (and to those of you who don't know me, I mean DEAD) I always had those thoughts of him and never really believed he was out of my life for good. How can you heal when he is right in front of your face? Why is moving so impossible. If you are serious about saving yourself and your beloved family, why isn't this change possible. I dunno, seems like waiting for it to go away is sort like watching your house burn down without calling the fire dept. Feel better hon. Do something to make you feel good today. Hug a kid, pet a dog..... chin up.

Alwayzzz
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:45am
Okay there is something here I have to point out to you. You loved how he made you feel Crystal, not him. You see, when you allow yourself to understand and accept that reality, you will get over a huge hurdle here. Considering that the MM in my life was also my first love made it so very hard to reach this place I just described. He is a nice man. But in truth, he would soothe what is ailing in his marriage by being with me. And that is WRONG. You see, he had to lie, manipulate and send all sorts of mixed messages to keep up his game until I insisted on the truth. He loved me so much that I didn't let up. And I got the truth from him finally which hurt just that much more because it showed me that I was not seeing the real him. You have to let yourself do the same thing by seeing it is not him you love but how he made you feel and/or YOUR IDEA OF WHO HE IS.

Try to do things to make yourself feel good today. We are what we confess. If you confess to feeling sad today, regardless of the reason, you will have a sad and not so great day. But if you confess that it is going to be a good day despite how you woke up today, then it can turn out to be a pretty terrific day! The only exception is if you are PMSing..lol! I've tried fighting off those blue days and it is next to impossible for me too. Whatever it is, we will try to help. Please just make up your mind that your attitude does dictate how you feel, not the other way around.

Take a break and do something fun!

Love to you.

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:36am
Thank you-

I'm already quite a bit better. Sometimes I find the time after waking up the worst. I wake up thinking of him and it bugs me - when will I wake up and NOT think of him first. I guess I'll have to work towards that.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:44am
Yes GT-

That truly was temptation speaking...Come back to me and you'll feel better. And I know I would. I'd have a great day. But the really intense pain would soon be back. Although I was sad this morning, it was nothing compared to what I have gone through. I don't need to ever feel that again as long as I keep walking.

PS In two weeks we are taking a week long family vacation and it will be a good time to get OM off my mind and focus on my family etc. I think it will be a good kick off to some new habits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:48am
Hi hun,

I saw you are feeling better already which is great and you know what you're statement about how it bugs you when you wake up and he isnt the first thing you think about?? THATS A GREAT THING!! AND one that all of us here are striving for. I CANT WAIT For that day to wake up and think of something other than xOM!! I too have to see xOM occasionally and the recovery becuase of this is extremly tough. Plus he is having great difficulty not dialing my number at work during the day ughhh!

(I dont pick up)

But anyway hun its hard/accept the pain, accept that its over, accept that you are truly better off without this man - married or not!! HE HAS SHOWN YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN HIS TRUE COLORS AND THEY ARE NOT PRETTY!! I had a expereince this weekend myself where xOM showed his true colors - ughhh! Both of us have children to think about and REALLY would we even want these guys forever?? REALLY think about that!! I have and yes XOM was wonderful on 1-1 basis (becuase I am finding that is was all flippin BS (sorry in ANGER STAGE BIGTIME) but with his freinds and family and with mine as well the lack of RESPECT towards them was UNBELIEVABLE!! AND I THOUGHT WAS LUCKY??? LOL

HUN I know it hurts- I hurt.

BUT WHAT WE LOST WAS A NON-EXSISTENT PERSON

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 10:57am
Hey you-

Actually I do have a great day planned with the kids and some friends, so already my feelings are turning around. Just a rough morning. The mornings always seem the worst. Yesterday I saw OM several times. THe kids were outside playing, and the parents were all doing yard work. Ofcourse I was the only parent inside because I was trying to stay as far away from him as possible. So anyway...yes moving would be nice and would make this soooo much easier. Unfortunately I can't. This was our dream house - the perfect neighbourhood, great street, fantastic school, all the kids are friends, everythings wonderful (except for ofcourse what I'm going through). I could never explain to my husband why I wanted to move and really other than OM I really don't. THere is a chance he could move this summer. He will be looking for a job and it is quite possible it will be in another city. If not now, then I would bet within a couple of years they'll go.

THis is sooo hard, but I feel I am making progress. Just had a real blue moment. I am starting to realize that maybe my marriage won't survive, but I also feel what I'm going through makes me so edgey that I'm not really giving H a chance right now anyway. We'er going away soon and we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for being there Alwayz!!!

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