I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER!!!!
15
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:36pm
Since my last post, I am still in contact with xMM. I didn't want to admit it to you guys, because I know I will get the harsh words and I am in such a fragile state right now, I can just.......

As some of you who read my posts before, my A ended on Oct. 22 for the SECOND time. That was close to 3 weeks ago. If I only had been strong enough and kept my NC it would be 3 weeks by now. However, since the second break up, I STILL talk to xMM. Yes!!!!! As much as I don't want to, as much as I hate him I want to throw up on him, as much as he used me, as much as he hurt me......I still call him.

After our break up, I didn't call him for 3 days and neither did he. Then he called me, I didn't answer and he left me a vm. He said how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me or use me, and that deep down he had feelings for me, etc. So, I called him back. Since then we still talk. Mainly I call him and he sounds distant. Yet, HE is the one who wants to remain friends.

Yes, any normal human being would get the message by now, "Get out NOW!!!!! He is just using you!" Yet, I can't.

Why is he doing this to me????? Is he like this because he figures he can still keep me for sex???? Why not be honest with me and just say, "Listen, I never cared about you, I only used you for sex, so let's just end NOW!"

He still calls me after we break up, and tells me how much he cares. Yet, when I call him back, he sounds distant. Is he on drugs???

On Sunday, I tried to keep busy at home. H was at work, so I cleaned the house, I was feeling okay, until I sat down for a brief moment and then started crying and then I picked up my phone, and then I dialed xMM.....

I CAN'T get him out of my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My H and I haven't been intimate in like a month. Is that normal? I don't think so! I push him away. I crave xMM and yet he just uses me. I am looking for love and passion, which I don't have in my M, so I run to xMM.

I hate him with a passion, yet he owns my brain cells.

My H and I talked about having a baby next year. I brought it up, mainly because I thought by us having a baby I can move forward in life and forget xMM. But I know that's the wrong reason to conceive a child. I will probably get more depressed and then neglect my baby.

I am so hurt, I feel so used, I am back to crying again. Life sucks! I can't take it anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:05pm
Sad

I saw your post on the ASB, I read the responses, the one from the man seems to have answered many of your questions from the male prespective, you should listen to what he is saying I think he is right about both you and XMM.

You are what is called a monogamous infidel in the books on the subject, you are a cheater but you can only have sex with one man willingly so your husband is getting the short end of the stick, be warned sooner or later he is going to figure out whats going on or get lonely he may confront you or find someone who wants him and either cheat on you or leave you. He will not wait forever to have his needs met.

Sorry if I have hurt your feelings.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:18pm
No, you didn't hurt my feelings at all. Wow! You read my post on the other board!? I must say I am so lost and confused that I am just wondering around like a lifeless puppy dog. I didn't know that other board had a LOT of male posters who are inconsiderate a**holes like that guy who wrote back to me.

He ripped into me so bad, I want to reach into the computer and just choke him.

Maybe I am naive, maybe I a stupid, but what I don't get, when my A started I was straight forward with my xMM. I told him I don't wanna be used for sex and if that's what he is looking for only, I am the WRONG girl for that. He kept on telling me that he would never hurt me, or use me. So, then why destroy my life this way???? I gave him nothing but love and affection, in return he used me. Why?

He still called me both times after we broke up. He said he doesn't understand why things went sour between us, yet he started getting distant with me. So, what am I supposed to do??? xMM still wants to remain friends, yet I find myself calling him all the time, and when we talk he is distant.

I hate him so much, yet he is lurking inside my head. My H tries to cheer me up at home, I push him away all the time, I get angry over little things and so on.

This isn't fair! What did I do xMM to deserve this???? Why can't he just say it, rather than play games with me, that yes "I used you for sex, yes you didn't mean a thing to me..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:47pm
Dear sad,

I just want to respond from personal experience to some things you said. First,

"Why is he doing this to me?????" He is doing this to you for one reason only, because you ALLOW him to do this to you. Most men crave power over women as much as they crave sex. i.e. my sister's husband cheated on her 8 times that she found out about over the 17 yrs. they were married. Why did he do that to her? Because she let him and he could. When she would ask him the question "WHY" his response was always, "because I'm bored". The REAL reason is because she allowed him to do it. HE was in control of HER life. Plain and simple, YOU need to be in control of YOUR life and happiness.

"He said how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me or use me, and that deep down he had feelings for me".

KEY words here, DEEP DOWN. I can tell you exactly how deep down those feelings are. They are several inches below the waist. Sad but true. I had to face those same hard facts with my XOMM.

"Mainly I call him and he sounds distant". Of course he is distant. All he really wants is to have his physical needs gratified. He keeps you stringing along just enough to make you weak so you may give in to him (the power thing again). But he really does not care about YOUR feelings so he keeps his distance.

These things I am telling you are from the experience of dealing with your exact situation for SIX years. Looking back, I cannot believe that I allowed this person to control my life for so long. Don't be a statistic, it will not be easy, it never is. The sooner you end it the sooner you can get on with your life.

I feel for you, I have walked in your shoes. Take it from me, the pain of temporary gratification simply is not worth it. You are strong and you can live your life without this controller. Believe me, if I can do it anyone can.

Love and hugs go out to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:48pm
Sad

I have to admit they guy was pretty crude but I think he was honest about how many of these player types think and operate, bottom line is it is about conquest WINNING and they have no problem about lieing to the woman to get what there after, they simple do not care if you get hurt.

Sorry but realisticlly considering how his actions do not match up with his words do you really believe there was ever any real FRIENDSHIP involved for XMM, what do you really think as apposed to what you would like to believe.

I believe crude guy was right when he said it was and remains about keeping you on line as a booty call from time to time.

One of the girls after him I believe told you her story and how it was so much like yours could be the same XMM.

Sad I don't think your going to get better until you can fully embrace the truth as painfull as that will be for you and then take the actions you have to to really end this in your heart and mind.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:06pm
You may find this enlightening, Sadgirl.

http://website.lineone.net/~dr.mgm/relationships.html

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:54am
sadgirl,

The only way to get over this guy is to get away from him. As hard as it is, you can do it if you really want to stop these thoughts that run constant in your head. (Believe me, I know.) If you can't make it through one day, then try to make it through one hour. If that is too hard, then try to get through a half-hour at a time. Keep a log if you have to. It will be the absolute hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life, but if you want out of this mess it really is the only way.

Maybe someday you can talk to him again - but that someday will be months or years away. You have to heal yourself, no one else is going to take that head-on. You have to do it. We're all here to help you get through the weak moments.

If you haven't done this, start writing your thoughts/feelings out. It helps. After a while it won't matter and you will get over the different parts of the A.

Start over and try NC today. You feel so much better when you make it through the days and they turn to weeks and then months, and then quarters, etc.

You know you can do it - you have to.

You say you're looking for love and passion and you want to have a baby. Well is it fair to bring a third party into this equation who doesn't belong there? It's not. Get him out of the equation and things will get better.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:42am
I may be totally off the mark here, honey, but it sounds to me like you want to fight an unwinnable battle. You're obsessed with XMM's rejection and you desperately want to change his mind. You need to feel the satisfaction of knowing that he wants you back as much as you want him. And I'll bet that if you were to feel that, you'd probably be able to walk away from the whole mess sooner.

Listen, I don't think this is about XMM personally. You admit you despise him, so your actions don't make any sense. Please try to figure out what's really going on in your head. I posted earlier to KRM, and I'm going to repeat it here, there's something else going on in your head. You may think it's only about the XMM, but I just don't agree.

Take a step back. You despise this man. You know he's no good for you. Why in the world are you obsessing about him?????? That's your work for today. Don't focus on the obsession, focus on WHY you're obsessing. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:59am
This was my first and LAST A!

Before this A, I was happy at home, so I still don't know why I did what I did.

When I met xMM, he was really sweet. I always thought that if he only wanted me for one thing, he would have approached me a year ago. That's how long it took for us to finally get to the point of starting the A.

He does have a sweet side to him, yet all the red flags were there in the beginning, but maybe I was blind and naive to face them and realize that he was never sincere about me.

I guess some men don't have a problem with destroying a woman's life. I gave him nothing but love and affection, him in return stabs me in the heart. Why? Just so he can have some good sex?

I despise him and hate him now, because of what he did to me. I tried to end the A TWICE and yet both times he still called me and wants to remian "friends". Yet, I find myself calling him all the time. I would have gone on with my life and not call him, but he keeps calling me. It's like he wants his cake, yet he expects me to call him all the time.

My life was great before the A, so it's definitely something xMM did to me during our 3 months A that got me to this point. He used me and I don't think there's anything worst than that. He got me pregnant and as much as I am to blame for that, I always brought protection with me when we were intimate, yet, he pressured me with sweet talk about how we've known each other for a year now and that I should trust him, etc. So, we stopped using protection and then I got pregnant.

While I was in the A with him, I was happy both at home and with xMM. Then xMM started getting distant with me and the fact that he used me pushed me over the edge.

He will do this to another woman and he will keep on cheating on his wife. He needs to get stopped, because he is hurting women and he thinks it's a fun game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:27am
Sadgirl, I'm not trying to be harsh but let's get realistic.

1. You were happy at home before the A? I don't think happy people make the decision to risk his/her marriage.

2. He doesn't want to be your "friend", he wants to have sex with you again.

3. xMM did nothing to you that you didn't willingly participate.

4. You could "trust" him with not using contraception? Unless he had a vasectomy you know in your head that's not going to work.

5. Whether he continues to do this to other women is none of your concern if you want to heal. Until you stop giving this power to him, you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

Get into individual counseling to understand why you are being self destructive and please don't have a child until you are healed.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:11pm
No, you weren't harsh! I appreciate all responses that are sincere.

I think anyone who starts an A, whether they were happy before that, or not, is unexplainable. Yes, I was happy at home with my H and even during the A, things were awesome, until xMM strated getting distant with me and I felt completely used.

Maybe the attention that xMM gave me got me all worked up over him. Believe it, or not, I have had many men over the years trying to lure me into an A. Never acted on it though. I guess I found something in xMM that twisted my head and I fell for it.

I know A's are nothing more than about lies, betrayal, sexual, but when we first started I thought we had something special. I never used him, I gave him all the affection that he didn't get at home.

I was foolish for not using contraception. Lesson learned! Not only he got me pregnant, I was nervous he could have given me some disease. Thank' God he didn't!

Yes, I am hurt. I was happy, he took that away from me. I am not an expert with A's. Never done it before and never will have another either. Sometimes there is no answer to why we do things that are bad for you. Why do people do drugs, or drink alcohol, etc.? I know many people who are happy, yet they drink, or do drugs.

Whether it's attention we are looking for, whether it's sexual, I don't know.

However, I am angry that he did this to me. If all he was looking for is fullfilling his IC needs, why not just go after a girl in a club, get it over with and no strings attached.

Anyway. I have been through way too much. I never felt so used and hurt in my life, ever. I don't expect anyone to understand it, we do things for foolish reasons in life. Maybe I was blind, xMM had this power over me and I fell for it.

Lesson learned!

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