I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER!!!!
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| Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:36pm |
As some of you who read my posts before, my A ended on Oct. 22 for the SECOND time. That was close to 3 weeks ago. If I only had been strong enough and kept my NC it would be 3 weeks by now. However, since the second break up, I STILL talk to xMM. Yes!!!!! As much as I don't want to, as much as I hate him I want to throw up on him, as much as he used me, as much as he hurt me......I still call him.
After our break up, I didn't call him for 3 days and neither did he. Then he called me, I didn't answer and he left me a vm. He said how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me or use me, and that deep down he had feelings for me, etc. So, I called him back. Since then we still talk. Mainly I call him and he sounds distant. Yet, HE is the one who wants to remain friends.
Yes, any normal human being would get the message by now, "Get out NOW!!!!! He is just using you!" Yet, I can't.
Why is he doing this to me????? Is he like this because he figures he can still keep me for sex???? Why not be honest with me and just say, "Listen, I never cared about you, I only used you for sex, so let's just end NOW!"
He still calls me after we break up, and tells me how much he cares. Yet, when I call him back, he sounds distant. Is he on drugs???
On Sunday, I tried to keep busy at home. H was at work, so I cleaned the house, I was feeling okay, until I sat down for a brief moment and then started crying and then I picked up my phone, and then I dialed xMM.....
I CAN'T get him out of my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My H and I haven't been intimate in like a month. Is that normal? I don't think so! I push him away. I crave xMM and yet he just uses me. I am looking for love and passion, which I don't have in my M, so I run to xMM.
I hate him with a passion, yet he owns my brain cells.
My H and I talked about having a baby next year. I brought it up, mainly because I thought by us having a baby I can move forward in life and forget xMM. But I know that's the wrong reason to conceive a child. I will probably get more depressed and then neglect my baby.
I am so hurt, I feel so used, I am back to crying again. Life sucks! I can't take it anymore.

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I started IC and that has helped tremendously. It's helping me understand why I went into the affair in the first place and why I let him have so much control over me. Yes I went back to MM, only to be hurt once again, for the last time.
This time I've stuck to my guns. I've deleted him off everything (cell, email, IM). Haven't returned phone calls (can't block work #) or emails that he's managed to get through. It's tough. But you need to take it one step at a time. I know it's hard, but I have a list of items that I read to myself each day. Maybe it will help you.
I have self worth
I can be strong
I deserve respect
I need peace and tranquility
Only I can grant myself closure (Thanks Posie for that one!)
I need to prepare if my MM returns to his wife. You may find the books helpful. Since your xMM does not seem to care about your spirit/soul...if he did he wouldn't use you to bolster his sagging self esteem. He want's to keep you on the line, it makes him feel important that he has control over you...show him and yourself you are stronger than you thought possible...take a long look at your husband, if you love him, get counceling fast, don't have a baby....I don't love my husband,I don
tthink I ever did, we have 2 children and now it is so very hard to leave him.
Write me if you need to I am trying to kick the habit of calling my MM he has asked for time to "get his head straight".
BTW! xMM called today around 2PM. I was away from my desk at work. He left me a vm. Yes, I listened to it. Nothing big, he just called to say "Hi" and he almost sounded like a stranger, I mean the tone of his voice. He said he would call me back later. He didn't. But, I didn't really care either, whether he was gonna call back, or not. However, for the FIRST time, I didn't call him back!!!!!!! Usually when he would leave me a message, I would call him back in a flash. Now, I just ignored it and continued on with my work.
So, I am trying. I don't know if it's gonna last, but I am trying hard to heal.
I know I have had several posters tell me not to have a baby. I wasn't thinking about having one tomorrow as it takes 9 months anyway, but yes, we did talk about it with H that next year we would start planning and by 2006 we would have a baby. So, it's still a long time away, and by then I hope I can get over xMM and get my life back to as it was before the A.
I know it's not the best think to do, to bring a baby into this world during tough situations, but I have had several of my friends go through other life issues in their M and then had babies which helped save their marriage.
Thanks everyone for your support. I always look forward to positive feedback.
Sadgirl
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. But I'm here to tell you the truth. The reason you can't get him out of your mind is that you are not letting go. You are still hanging on. You are still hoping for something that just isn't going to happen. You're doing this to yourself...he's not doing it to you. What's the saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. There are no victims here, only volunteers. We can only be used if we allow ourselves to be used. It's really that simple. If you truly want to move on with your life and end this drama that is nothing more than a vortex of emotional hell, then you need to END IT. Now. For good. No going back. No calling him. No pining away for him. End it. Let it go. Stop. Until you do this, you're not going to get better.
It can be done. There are many of us out here doing it. You can, too.
Have strength.
Stop excusing your own actions away.
Take a stand and stick with it.
Love yourself.
Love your H.
Make a vow with yourself to do the next right thing and stop behaviors which cause you emotional harm. You're worth it.
Do it now.
Just do it.
Silly
I truly appreciate all the support. This is why I always come to this board, because it gives me strength.
Update since my last post. xMM has been calling me a LOT lately. It's like he knows that now that I ignore him completely he can't accept it. He is losing power over me and I guess it's driving him crazy. Good!
Friday night I came home from work, H made me dinner and he even cleaned the house. Wow!!! He wants my affection, which I haven't given him lately with all this mess on the side. I still want to beat up myself (like Jim Carrey did in Liar, Liar) lol, because H is the greatest and yet I betrayed him.
I didn't think about xMM at all. Even with the calls and vm's he's been leaving me, it's like I am starting to get over him. I never ever could imagine NOT calling him back, but now I had the strength to just ignore him.
Yesterday, for the first time in a long time I started to enjoy life again and was HAPPY. Did a photo shoot. It was great.
So, yes, I am starting to get back as things were before the A. I don't think about xMM as I used to.
I hope I can hold onto this feeling and not cave in. I don't want to.
Thanks again for listening...Sadgirl....starting to be Happygirl again :)))
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