I can't take much more - HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
I can't take much more - HELP
6
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:21pm
I think I have hit rock bottom and I feel so alone right now. I felt good, positive about my session with the M counselor today, then the bottom fell out. I got home from work and I wasn't in the door 10 min. when H told me that he is going alone on Sat. (to his nephews wedding), I told him I told you I would go and he said no you aren't I have decided that I am going alone. Then he said that he had talked to his mother and told her everything. So I asked him what he meant, he told her that we are staying together for the holidays and after that we are over. I had to take DS to his school for something so I gathered myself and left. I did what we had to and then I dropped him off at home and went to my neighbors, I just didn't know what else to do.

I tried to calm down and came home at 9. DH asked me if I had given any thought to how we can do this and make it easy on everyone. I just sat there. He went on to say that he isn't leaving the house and that he wants custody of my DD if I can't take it then I could leave. He doesn't know what the counselor told me today but his mind hasn't changed and it is completely over and I better accept it. I asked him what exactly he told his mother and he said everything including about the A. I felt his anger tonight about the A (don't worry nothing physical just his words). He came right out and said I made my choice and now I have to live with it but that he is better suited to take care of DD and give her a normal life. I didn't even know what to say, I am totally crushed. I didn't think that it could get much worse but I was wrong. I can't do this I am totally losing control, I don't even want to think about going on.

I am going to call the M counselor in the morning but I don't know what good that will do. What have I done, how can I go on like this? What am I going to do? I can't stop crying and I am shaking uncontrolaly. Please help me get thru this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 10:24pm
Daf

I am sorry to read your post and I expect your getting a little tired of hereing from me BUT I would like to point out a thing or two.

Your husband is fully aware that the courts will almost certainly give custody of a minor female child to the mother 99 times out of a 100 unless there is something really wrong with her and an affair has no bareing on it. He also know the court will almost certainly give you and the children the house until there grown.

HE is venting his anger and pain, that pain that he has kept inside is starting to come out and as painful as that is for you it is not always a bad thing, he will not be able to deal with you and your marriage until he externalises his pain, did he really tell his mother maybe maybe not he has been secrative up to now so it is hard to say.

I know this will be very hard for you to do Daf but for now don't take any of this to heart, his actions could in fact be a indictor that the MC is making progress in getting him to start to deal with his pain.

Call the MC in the morning and get her imput but in the mean time don't give up all hope, sometimes it really is darkest before the dawn.

(((((HUGS)))))

FREE

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 10:48pm
Hiya Daf,

It's very late and I'm on-call, but wanted to let you know I'm around and I can hear the pain & fear in your words.

If I put on my hat as a betrayed spouse (yes, DH cheated once nearly 5yrs ago), I can remember that the few days/weeks after discovering his affair, I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do about it. I swung wildly in what I thought I wanted sometimes literally changed minute by minute. It's shock. It's numbness interspersed with wanting to believe it's some kind of sick joke. It's anger. It's deep emotional pain with almost no outlet big enough to get it out. How can I fix it, do I want to fix it? It's what have I done versus what was it I haven't done to cause this.

One minute I was hurt & angry and the next I just wanted it never to have happened at all. One minute I wanted him out (I even packed his stuff once or twice) and the next I didn't want him to go anywhere because I wanted to know why, why me, why us, and even why her whom I'd only ever seen once or twice at DH's office functions but was really, truly not all that. One minute we'd work on our marriage and the next I was returning to the US where I'd settle near my family. One minute I'd be saying the most hurtful, hateful things that have ever come out of my mouth and the next I would be clutching him to me hoping he'd never believe I'd meant it.

One minute I was certain this was it, we were finished - and the next I wanted nothing more than to be given some kind of hope that it was ME he wanted to be with rather than simply preserving the marriage.

I remember clearly telling DH that we were over and that he'd better tell me who he planned to instruct in the way of a divorce lawyer. I worked for lawyers at the time and I instructed them and they ALSO told me to hold off for a minimum of 6-8wks before making any crucial decisions because no one presented with a bombshell like that is in any fit state to be making those decisions with anything resembling clarity of thought.

We were also told in MC that this was utterly normal, my rapid mood fluctuations & decision changes were normal and that no firm decisions about the future should be made until a few months down the line when we were both far more clear-headed.

Just try to take all the decisions with a grain of salt at the moment and understand they are coming from a place of deep hurt and utter confusion. Always let him know what it is that you want - you told your MC that you wanted him by your side, he needs to hear that even when his face is clenched with hurt & anger and he doesn't appear to be listening, he needs to hear it just as much as you need to say it.

Please DO speak to your MC and your IC tomorrow, and I'm sure they'll be in a far better position to reassure you since they have your personal details.

I have to nip out now (it's one of my late on-call nights/mornings 4:43am to me) but know that I'll look in on you again tomorrow if not again tonight.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 10:53pm

Daf: Little bit of divorce strategy here from male who's been through it:


DO NOT under any circumstances give in to husband's request/demand that you leave the house.


If necessary, ALWAYS wait until there is a court order (NOT your husband's demand) for you to leave the house OR your children.


DH is talking trash and venting his anger.


If he remains intent on getting a divorce you'll find out soon enough when you are served papers by a court representative.


Until then, sit tight and DON'T buy into his venting bluffs.


As for the wedding, no sense going to it. DH has already poisoned the situation and the focus of the wedding should be on the bride and groom, not you and DH's problems. AND at wedding receptions there is drinking and with drinking comes clouded judgement and hurtful vents that you don't need to be the target of.


Call your counselor tomorrow and staay steady......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:27am


Hi Daf,

I have followed your story for a while and I have seen you struggle to try and mend things with your hubby. I am so sorry, but at least you know his intentions now versus his complete silence that he has had towards you. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME OR YOUR CHILDREN. Understand he is very angry right now and maybe he just wants to hurt you for whats happened. Let the courts decide, if it gets to that point with your hubby what will be the outcome of all of this. STAND YOUR GROUND, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIM. Continue your counseling, you are going to need it now more than ever. I wish I had more words of wisdom so that I could comfort you, Stay strong hunny. Wishing you lots of strength and peace.

Take Care and Good Luck

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:49am
Little bit of divorce strategy here from male who's been through it:

Noregrets...

Being a male myself, I have pondered this situation should my A ever get out, which I do not foresee it happening, but you should be mentally prepared as possible should it happen.

My question was mainly on when it comes to the request to leave the house, did you play that card when the W asked you to leave the house? I figured this was going to be my strategy since I'm the working spouse. I figure she is not strong enough to throw me out, so she'll need a court order to evict me.

Just curious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:12am
Thanks everyone, I just wish I could believe anything. I saw the look of hate in H's eyes last night, it cut right thru me. I honestly can't even function, I don't know what to do or which way is up. I am physically ill from this. I have put a call into my counselor but haven't heard back from her. Honestly I can't cope. I don't know what to do, I will not leave my house because really I don't have anywhere to go and no money of my own to do anything. I don't even have a support system here because it is H's family that is here, not mine. This isolated feeling is so hard, I just feel like I am going to explode. H won't leave and I can't. I don't even know what to do about the kids, should they be told or should we wait? I guess there is no easy answer or any right answer right now, I will just wait to talk to my counselor, let her think for me for now.

I won't say exactly what I feel right now because aside from not knowing if I voiced the other thoughts I would alarm a few people here. I have to somehow get thru this and find my strong emotional self to help me.

Thank you everyone.

DAF