I CAVED. Torn apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
I CAVED. Torn apart.
4
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 12:58pm

Hello everyone...I'm sitting at my desk in tears feeling ridiculous and ashamed as I write this. I'm trapped at work with no car, so there's no escape.

It's so easy, about 3 weeks into NC, to forgot why you went NC in the first place, isn't it? You think, it'd be okay to just casually chat. Or, you start feeling like you could really use the attention or the assurance the he does, in fact, miss you as much as you miss him. Thing is, he doesn't. Or if he does he has a terrible way of showing it.

We started chatting via work IM earlier. We both confessed how hard this has been and how much we miss each other. But he immediately went back to "I just want to be friends and have someone to goof off with." It felt like someone punched me. I know he means well, and that he does miss me, but for me it sounded like, "I need a distraction, because work is boring, and you're the best-looking distraction here." I have been practically doubled over in pain missing him the past 2 weeks...crying constantly...sleeping in a separate room from my DH...running out of excuses to tell DH why I'm so depressed. And MM simply wants someone to joke around with at work...knowing damn well the road it will eventually lead down. But in the meantime, he sends me longing emails..."this is killing me, I miss you so much."

Anyway, I just needed to vent. I can't stop the tears now (bye bye, eye makeup!) and since I can't leave work, I feel like I'm literally caged in and chained to my desk. As soon as he said the thing about 'someone to goof off with," I immediately closed out of the chat and told him it was a mistake. I'm not planning on talking to him the rest of the afternoon, even though I'm going to have to suffer through a meeting with him later. ALL I wanted was to be able to commiserate with him, for him to tell me he's suffering without me; I've said before in other posts that I am not leaving my H and he is not leaving his W, but there is a growing part of me that wants him to say, "I'll do anything to be with you," including leaving his M, even though I know there isn't a possibility of that happening. Why, WHY do I need this kind of reassurance? What is wrong with me, why is my ego so damaged??

Thanks for listening :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 1:04pm

Like many of us here, I am not sure if your ego is damaged or if it just likes the attention. I totally know where you are coming from at the 3 week mark (I am 21 days NC today) and more than a few times today I've thought in passing that I could have a casual conversation with xap. I know that is NOT reality- it's just how my brain rationalizes this desire to reach out to him. And listening to your story, I am even more convinced that it is NOT possible to have a casual conversation with him- because of our egos and our expectations.

I am sorry that you are suffering. When I feel like this I ask myself, what does it matter if he misses me? Does it change the circumstances? No! Would it make my ego feel a little less bruised or discarded, maybe- but it would probably just re-open the door to the A and none of us REALLY want that.

Hang in there!

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 1:10pm
Yes, you are completely absolutely right, secretlifeofjane (I love your handle, BTW)! I'm glad you can learn from my mistakes! I feel ashamed I admitted to him how badly I miss him. I have built him up so much in my stupid head that nothing he will (WON'T is more like it) ever say could live up to my expectations of what I want him to say or think he SHOULD say. I should just channel these negative feelings into a great poem or novel or something...focus on turning lemons into lemonade...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 2:19pm

((((( Silverdoe ))))) hi...

I am sorry you are feeling so sad right now.
But this experience will hopefully make you more determined in being in more LC again.
And it will help the others here to stay away from the xAP's.
It's hard, I know... I wish I could give you more advice, I wish I could help you stop crying, but I don't really know what I can say to make you feel better.

This wave will pass though and you will feel a little better again (hopefully soon)

Hugs
HTGO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 4:43pm

Silverdoe,

Thank you for posting that. I know it wasn't easy. I know you feel like a failure, but you are not. One day does not ruin three weeks. All you have to do is pick yourself up and start over, and you can do that right this minute. Sending you hugs of comfort.

Thank you for also being honest about how you are feeling after 3 weeks. I am on day 1, and I know that as time passes, i may start to feel like "what's the big deal? we can talk, we can hang out" but I have to remember that it won't end well.

Again, sending hugs. Hang in there, you will make it.