I CHEATED AND I CANT FORGIVE MYSELF

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
I CHEATED AND I CANT FORGIVE MYSELF
5
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 2:33pm

Hi Everybody:

I hope I have the correct board here. I originally posted on the "Healing after Betrayal" board and I got reamed over there. I definitely need to hear from those who have done the betraying. Those who have been betrayed keep making me feel worthless and I am searching for justification that what I did is forgiveable. I know I made a mistake however, I don't feel as though I made it out of selfishness. At the time, I was being neglected by my husband for NO GOOD REASON (he cannot even say why) so I went elsewhere to fulfill my emotional needs. Anybody going through this that has not told their spouse? How are you dealing with it? Here is my original post. Thanks!!

HELLO ALL! I HAVE POSTED ON SEVERAL BOARDS HERE. I CANT SEEM TO FIND WHICH ONE I SHOULD BE POSTING ON. I KNOW MOSTLY EVERYONE HERE HAS PROBABLY BEEN BETRAYED AND I AM PROBABLY GOING TO GET REAMED BUT I AM PREPARED FOR THAT. I AM ON THE OTHER END OF THE BETRAYAL FENCE. I DID THE BETRAYING AND WHILE HUBBY DOES NOT KNOW...I FEEL HORRIBLE. IT HAPPENED ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOVE ON. SOME MAY SAY I SHOULD TELL HIM BUT I THINK MOST WOULD SAY I SHOULD NOT. IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING AND I REALIZED MY ERROR RIGHT AWAY. IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO ERASE IT. I DONT KNOW HOW I WILL LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I KNOW IF I TELL HIM I WILL FEEL BETTER BUT THEN MY MARRIAGE MAY END AND I DONT WANT THAT. I ALSO FEEL LIKE KEEPING IT FROM HIM IS MY PUNISHMENT. I WILL DEAL WITH IT FOREVER. BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING A LIE AND THAT MY MARRIAGE IS BUILT ON LIES AND WHAT WILL COME OF IT? I DONT FEEL LIKE I DESERVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF. I FEEL LIKE THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I WISH I COULD CHANGE THIS BUT I CANT.

THE REASON I CHEATED IS BECAUSE HUBBY AND I WERE HAVING PROBLEMS AT THE TIME AND I NEEDED MORE AFFECTION THAN I WAS GETTING. WELL WE HAVE SINCE BEEN TO COUNSELING AND RECONCILED OUR ISSUES FOR THE MOST PART. I JUST FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY AND LIKE SUCH A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER FORGET THIS OR IF I CAN MOVE ON. MAYBE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS BEEN THRU THIS?? I AM SURE THERE IS, PLEASE HELP ME!!

MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HIM AND FACE THE CONSEQUENCES BUT THE LOGICAL SIDE OF ME SAYS NOT TO TELL HIM BECAUSE IT WILL CAUSE HIM PAIN. THE OTHER PART OF ME SAYS I SHOULD TELL HIM BECAUSE IF I DONT HE WILL SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE VIEWING HIS MARRIAGE AS SOMETHING ITS NOT. THE OTHER THING THAT KILLS ME IS HE TRUSTS ME MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I BROKE THAT TRUST.......:(

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 2:44pm

if this was a one time thing...and in your soul you will not resume this relationship in any way with your exOM...and you are truly remorseful...I say don't tell your husband. Start learning to forgive yourself and live with these guilty feelings. They may disapate once you start healing and forgiving yourself and living in the truth everyday and giving your husband 100% of your love and yourself.

Live in the truth from this point on...can be your "penance" and ALSO the way to forgive yourself slowly because often times..guilt leads us to want to recitfy something...tangibly so that we feel we can do something to "earn" trust again etc.
Earn it yourself. Why hurt someone else to make you feel better? You've already done that by having an affair. Live in the truth of knowing what you know, find out that you do really want your marriage or not that way. if you tell your husband what would it change in your marriage that needs to change because of it NOW?
JMHO,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 3:39pm

Welcome, lonely. My first suggestion for you:


Think of restating your opening line from "I cheated and I can't forgive myself" to " I cheated and I'm stuck choosing to not forgive myself".


All cheaters, myself included, participate in affairs or one-time stands due to a personal decision not in our overall best interest. And then we find some way to justify the choice by blaming someone else for their actions or lack of interest in us to make it "OK" to remain in the relationship and find a fix on the side.


Then comes the guilt. Sometimes. As it did with you. For me, I buried the guilt under repeated accusations of what my ex-spouse was doing wrong and ignoring me....


Sometimes there is no guilt. Just payback for the "wrong".


Still, the affair remains destructive. Not only to the primary relationship. Also to oneself and self-esteem.


It IS possible to forgive yourself. It is YOUR choice to do so. AS is the choice to not repeat the error.


It IS possible to re-open communication with your spouse to address the reasons you used to justify participating in an affair. Difficult and painful though the talking may be, there IS a place on the other side of the frank talks that provides more knowledge and information with which to formulate a decision whether to remain together as a couple or part company. Most people opt to engage the services of a counselor in order to navigate the re-opening of communication.


Affairs tend to be symptoms of underlying breakdowns in communication within a relationship. There are some men and women who engage in serial affairs simply for the thrill of being cake-eaters. You can read about them here on this board. Mostly from their former affair partners. Most of the people on this board have been where you stand now and are either struggling to get over the hump or are past their affairs. You won't get flamed on this board.


Personally, I don't advocate telling your hubby about the affair. It's six months past now and in the PAST. Find yourself a local therapist and talk through your guilt feelings in the office. They're trained to work with people face crises and recover from them.


You can get over what you're currently feeling.


You have to CHOOSE to do so and then ACT on the choice by making a change in your life.......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 5:13pm

cl-nre,

I have no idea how many times you've had to post a similar post like the last one, but it was so very helpful to read it - thank you for taking the time to post it.

I feel like there's this long line of folks and we're all standing in line trying to cross a dangerous stream with uneven, wobbly stones and you guys are there lending a hand on the sides so we don't fall.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:04pm

You're very welcome...and that helping hand is rock-steady, built on the solid foundation of God and His ability to heal someone such as me......


Forgiveness comes from within. I believe it is a manifestation of God's forgiveness of all of us and our imperfections.


I have yet to find any other explanation that can explain my own healing.


Prayer works miracles. I am living one of them.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 5:57pm

wow! it's good to find such understanding people. i too, have been betrayed and the one who has betrayed. it's hard both ways. when my dh cheated on my i was devestated. i was floored. i couldn't believe it. His fling lasted 3 wks. (he even left home) He returned home and things were great. it was as if we were on our honeymoon again. We went to a marital church retreat which helped soooo much. Then a month later i met a guy who i just couldn't resist. I slept with him the first night and i was so mad and disappointed at myself. i didn't want to ever see him again. But a month later there we were again. We started the affair and it lasted almost a year. My dh doesn't know and if i can help it he NEVER will. I ended the affair in Dec. and haven't seen or spoken to him since. i cannot find the answer as to why i even had the affair. But i hate the fact that after going thru what i went thru with dh's fling. i turned around and did the samething, even worse. i would see OM as much as i could. I am now in counseling trying to get my head together. I've learned in counseling that God is a forgiving God. and only He needs to forgive us. I've learned to just sit in a quiet room and let it go. So lonely, that is my advice to you. It was a one time thing and YOU realized your mistake right away. which is great. Sometimes that's what it takes for us to open our eyes and realize what we have at home. My marriage right now is going good (thank God) but i still come across little reminders of dh's affair and my affair. but what could i do now right? it happened and nothing i could do to change that. but the only thing i could now do is move forward and value my marriage. I too, say DO NOT tell your dh. Somethings are better left unknown. So keep working on your marriage and may God bless your marriage.

God Bless,
his4ever92