i confessed to my husband
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i confessed to my husband
| Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:25pm |
i told my husband about my affair and im scared and i dont know what to do. he says he wont leave but i wish i could take it back. i hurt him more than i could ever imagine. and for nothing, i can see that only now. i had an affair for nearly five years and i can say it wasnt worth it. my husband always suspected and he would ask and i always lied so much. he's asking som any questions now and im scared to tell him more. he wants details and i cant tell him how long it went on. he wants me to call the OM tomorrow and i dont want to. he wants to listen in and i am so upset im shaking. i need to talk to someone. i was drawn to my OM because i needed someone. now i have cut him out of my life and i feel like i have no one. my husband is trying to cope and i cant expect him to support me. i need to talk

My first affair was about 10 years ago (I've just ended my second). At that time, I did tell my then husband. And I remember four months before we separated of watching him in total agony...he'd have moments of anger and pain, and there was nothing I could really do to soothe but to listen and be as kind as I could. From what I understand, it's very important to the betrayed spouse to hear the details and, now that it's out, your disclosure of details may be a way to bridge back to trust. I can imagine that full disclosure makes you feel like you're giving up the OM...but then, I guess you must have made that decision before you told your H. So now, it seems, it's up to you to give everything you have to your marriage...whatever that may be. If it's listening he needs, listen. If it's information he needs, provide it. If it's a hug he needs, hug him. If he needs space, give him space. Just try to ask what he needs and respond. But if it ever crosses the border into emotional or physical abuse to you in return for your honesty, make sure you make your boundary clear on that point.
It will be ok, one way or another, and you'll get through it. There will be days, weeks and months where you don't think it's getting any better or going any where. Just make sure you approach him as kindly as you can, and get through it in a way that leaves no further regret.
Hugs....
Men are visual creatures by nature that is way your husband is asking about the sex, you can bet he is seeing you with the OM over and oc=ver again when he is awake and in his nightmares.
Men often express intense pain as rage, what your husband is doing is normal for a betrayed husband.
The best you can do now it to be totally truthfull hold back nothing and above all no more lieing, if he finds out 2 - 3 months from now something you held back or lied about it will be like a fresh betrayal to him.
Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again as often as he wants to ask or needs to here the answers.
Your no longer in control of the situation so you cannot stop information from coming to him from OM or his wife so it is better that he heres it all from you not someone else.
Above all things be very very very PATIENT, recover from this sort of thing when it happens takes 3 to 5 years.
Best of luck to you.
Free
Meg, I posted to you on the other board as well.
I bought the book 'not just friends'. It has helped me to understand affairs. It may help you too. It does say that you need to tell them everything they want to know. If you lie again then they will never be able to trust you.
All the best to you.