I did it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
I did it!
4
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 4:59pm

This is the first time I could select the "happy" symbol. But I was good today! I was strong! Whew! Now, if I can just stick to it, because believe me, my mood fluctuates by the half-hour between strength and despair.

This was my early day, so I am home already. But today, I was able to retain a little dignity for once. When I came into the office, he was standing there in the common area chatting with coworkers. I came in and checked my mailbox and he marched over to me and said hello and shook my hand...I pulled away first and went to my desk. Then, as I was on my way to lunch, he stopped me with a question I know he already knew the answer to, so I just gave him short answers. Then he stood there, looking down at me, this long, "meaninful" look, as my friend stood at the door waiting for me to walk out with her. I turned around and walked out and actually felt embarrassed he was looking at me that way in front of my friend. She didn't say a word about it, but she gave me an inquisitive look as we got in the car. Later, when I got back, he was talking to a couple of coworkers near my desk. I came in, did what I needed to do, and ignored him. He started talking very loudly about a massage he had gotten and said the name of the masseusse (sp?) very suggestively, like the way men say, "Pamela Anderson," or whoever they are drooling over at the moment. I kept on working on my scripts, and never even acknowledged his little performance. Then I heard a door slam, and I looked up, and he was gone.

I left for the day (it was my early day) without saying goodbye.

As much as I want to pat myself on the back for being strong, there is a part of me that is very sad, because honestly, I do still have strong feelings for this man and would love to be with him again...to share his friendship, to be close to him again. We did work so well together before all this. But I know that to try to be close would be playing with fire. If my marriage has a chance, I've gotta make my heart be cold and hard. This is a stupid, crazy little dance we're doing. Sooner or later, the music has gotta stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 5:13pm
Well, darn it!!!!! Wouldn't you know it. Right after I posted this message, I got a call from my boss wanting me to call xOM about something work-related. I emailed instead but kept it really short. #$@*!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: newsgal524
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 7:23pm

Gal

Sounds like your getting a grip on things, everyone has emotions you just have to decide to act on the healthy ones and ditch the rest.

I have to wonder in XMM manipulated the boss into calling you to try and start a e-mail conversation ?

Don't get sucked into his game, it's clear he does not really want you to make your marriage work or he would leave you alone and not try to draw you back into his web.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:53pm

Hmmm. He did email me back (though very short, not much chit-chat). I had to respond to answer a question...actually, felt okay afterward. I'm looking forward to seeing my husband tomorrow night. I am not going to get pulled back into this.

I think I'm gonna survive this.

Thank God for women like you and True and all the amazing people here. We're all like pieces of a puzzle, filling in the gaps and somehow making a whole picture by our mutual support (am I getting too philosophical here?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:16am

Mutual support is what it's all about :)

I come here sometimes just to read all the words of wisdom all of you have, sometimes I read something that really gets me through the day.

I've had a couple "good" days, today being one of them. Had only 5 minutes of online contact for an entire week, I think that's why I'm feeling better. I don't need to keep rehashing all the things I'm angry at him for. I'm very clear on the fact that those wonderful conversations we used to have online for hours on end, all those years, the ones that left me beaming and happy, are long over. It's what made me realize the A had to end...I was leaving almost every conversation angry and upset over something. A's are supposed to make you feel GOOD, not leave you with hurt and resentment.

I've put off going out for weeks because my mood has been so low (over that, among many other of life's problems). But this weekend, I'm getting out and kicking up my heels! Going out with some new friends I've made and maybe it'll be the direction that will change the heartwrenchiing path I've been on for so long.

I urge you all to do the same...HAVE SOME FUN THIS WEEKEND !!! :)