I did it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
I did it.
2
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 12:26pm

I did it.

We talked in the morning as our respective work days started and I heard about his MC session last night and how hard it is for him to make promises and commit to his M which he doesn't want to lose, and yet still want to be with me. He said he loves me but can't bear the thought of losing his marriage. But he feels like eventually we would be caught.

It was like watching a racehorse stumble around with a broken leg. You know someone has to shoot it.

I listened for a while - my heart dropping - and then I gathered every bit of strength I had and said "O.K. I will do it if you can't - this way you don't have to be the bad guy. I am done. It is over. I wish you the best and I hope your M continues to heal, Maybe we'll see each other again some day." And I hung up.

The most telling reply from him ~ is that he did not call me back.

I then went downstairs - crying - and threw up. Thought about leaving work but I am going to be in pain where ever I go. So now home at lunch. Wanted to drink but am afraid of what I would do if I was even more depressed by the alcohol.

I vow not to go back on this decision.

But I don't feel empowered. I don't feel free. I am just empty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
In reply to: songs41
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 12:37pm

Hi songs,

((((((HUGS))))))) welcome, welcome. Congratulations for doing the right thing and ending an untenable situation with no positive outcome. You will no longer be dragged around by the heartstrings at the mercy of his issues. You gave them right back to him by letting him go and hanging up. It's normal to feel empty at the moment; I fully realize you were kind of hoping to get a call back from him. Try to center your thoughts back on you.

Try to take it easy in the next few days; is there any way you can take some time from work? The fog will eventually start clearing for you and you will realize that the A fantasy we were all living for was not based on anything real and tangible. And lying, cheating men do not make good real life partners. But for now, focus on YOU. We are here to support you, sweetie.

big hugs,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to: songs41
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 3:21am

He did call at the end of the day . . . so sorry he's caused me pain, etc . . wanted to call me tomorrow. I said "No. You don't get to know if I am o.k. or not."

I took a 1/2 tablet of ambien - wish I'd taken the whole thing because now I am up at night feeling the pain.

My H never knew about the A. Right now I couldn't tell you if I want to stay married. At this moment I want to tell my DH I can't do this anymore and I would just like to be alone . . . to grieve alone. To start fresh. My DH is wonderful, caring, loving - but he is not AP - and I feel like I can never be satisfied with my M again.

My T says to just focus on functioning - at work, as a mommy. I don't have to smile and be cheerful and fake it. I just have to function. She doesn't want me to make any decisions that would bring more pain - she says there has been enough pain and bloodletting already betw myself, AP, and his W.

I have to be up at 5AM or I'd take more ambien - ughhh!