I did it and you can too! Really.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I did it and you can too! Really.
12
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 2:32pm
Hi everyone! Anyone remember me? Just a quick check in to let you know how I'm doing and to offer encouragement to new fellow sufferers. I celebrated one year of NC on June 25, and I'm doing really well. My life has gone forward, I've left my MM behind and all's well with the world. I just glanced quickly at all your names and noticed only a couple of familiar ones. It's amazing how new people just continue to keep coming here and pouring out their hearts and telling their heartbreaking tales. It's amazing to me how many of us make the mistake of falling into the affair trap, but I know how easy it is to do.

I was involved with a married man (my boss no less) during all of 2002 and part of 2003. It took me a whole year to get over the affair, and I know I could not have done it without this group. To those of you have have just begun the journey of realizing that your affair is killing you and you have to end it, you've come to the right place. The women (and men) here are extremely kind, warm and supportive. They've all been where you are and they all help each other through the worst times they've known. Stay here and you will regain your freedom, respect and love of life.

For those of you who are single, only when you leave your married partner will you be able to find true love. I know that sounds corny but sometimes when you're involved with a married person you can't possibly imagine that you could love anyone else. Believe me I've been there. I thought MM and I were meant to be together, we fit together so well, he loved me so much, so deeply, so beautifully. I'm sure you all know what I mean. But he was married so it was all illusion and sham. I recently met a wonderful man. He's smart, kind, funny, sexy, handsome and he loves me. Best of all: he's single! Finally! I always prayed it would happen and now it has, and it's really a wow.

I just wanted to offer some encouragement to those of you who are mired in your pain: it does end, and you can be happy again. But you've got to leave the shackles of your impossible affair behind. You can do it. I did it, and it hurt like hell. There were many times when I thought I would die. My heart was mangled beyond repair. And now? Now I'm in love with the most wonderful man I've ever known and I think our marriage will be better because of what I went through and what I learned from the married people here.

To all those who remember me and who helped me through many a distraught weekend (especially Chris and noregretsever) thank you so much. You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 2:48pm
Congratulations to you! Your post came at a great time. I have been having a blah weekend and feeling down about xMM. I am so happy that you were able to find someone who makes you feel great about yourself. It helps the rest of us single folks here know that there is hope! I have come to realize that many people here along with myself feel and like we will never be able to feel and connect with anyone that way again.

Additionally, I agree with you in there are so many lessons to be learned at this board that can be applied to a marriage. I have said many times that as painful as the outcome has been I do not regret the A at all because I have learned SO MUCH about myself and relationships in the processes.

One question to you - does your current boyfriend know about your A? I have debated many times if anything should ever be said should the need arise. I could probably easily get away with never having to talk about it because very few people know. I just feel that the A changed the way that I think and feel about so many things and I owe an explanation.

Congratulations again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 7:43pm

Congratulations

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:13pm
I just wanted to say congratulations on your NC for a year and the new love. I just gave my MM and ulimatum two weeks ago and we have had basically NC except for a few hours at a TV taping together. I am really feeling down and hearing your story gives me stength. I am lonely and I have felt the same way about how we fit together. I am single also (with 2 kids) and I am so ready to find a "single" man to fall in love with and that can love me back feely with no lies and cover-ups. I had to see him tonight at the church where we tape the program and his wife who tries to be my friend. I just cried and reading your story give me hope.

Thanks,

Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 5:23am
Hi Laura,

I really needed to read your post this morning. This is my first visit to this board (i've posted at the other A board a few times). I have been in an A for 13 months. It started out as purely sexual and then somehow I let my feelings become involved, as most of us women do.

I must tell you that I've been married a long time, I'm early 40ish and have one teenage child. My husband is a good soul. Very good man, a great father, a great son and friend as well. Has never been abusive to me in any way. Our marriage just became boring I think and instead of me talking to him and letting him know it seemed I was a prime target to fall into the arms of a sweet talking man, who equally seems nice (but still doesn't match up against my husband). I have tried to end it with the OM five times, and because I've let my heart become involved I've had a very hard time walking away.

I'm a Christian and very much know what I have been doing is wrong....but human emotion is strong.

I am going to try my hardest to walk away again. Will you still check in from time to time Laura? I feel like I could use someone to back me up and give those encouraging words that I don't have because God knows no one else knows of what I've been doing.

My biggest challenge is trying to redevelope feelings for my husband. I love him a a lot, but it seems more like a brother. The thought of making love with him saddens me....how sad of a statement is that??

I am so happy to read that you felt a lot of what I'm feeling and you made it through. That gives me hope. I've lost people I love to death, have had major illness in the family, etc.....but this is one thing that eats me alive every single day. The guilt...the desire for another....no respect for myself...the unbelievable sadness. I ask myself daily how in the world did I allow myself into this mess.

Oh well, I guess I just needed to talk this morning and your post was a welcome and encouraging sight for me. Take care Laura and I'm happy you seem to have found your pot at the end of the rainbow!! Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:34am
I don't post much but I do come here a lot. Your words are very encouraging. I am so happy to hear that you are doing so well. You sound very healthy and in the right place. Right now I find it hard to believe that there is someone out there who could connect with me the way my MM has. We were so happy together, he left his wife in order to have a life with me. But went back because of the strong obligation that he felt to "finish raising the kids" (17 and 14). Right now he feels that he needs to sacrafice for them. He says that he will never touch his wife, he doesn't love her and he told her this many times. He wrote it in an e-mail to her, told her his reasons and intentions for returning and that he doesn't love her and that his heart will never be available to her. I read it (we have access to eachother's accounts) and I know that she read it. He wrote this to her after I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago here, "Helpful reminders for maintaining NC". He is hoping that I will be available for him in 4 years when he divorces his wife after his youngest graduates. I know it sounds crazy. I didn't say I'd wait and I am not continuing our affair. Truthfully, on the inside I'm an emotional wreck and don't see how I can be available to anyone else. I am doing the best that I can to be as healthy as possible for myself and my kids and to be open to whatever God has in store for me and my future.

Best of luck to you always and thanks.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:51pm

CONGRATULATIONS, Laura!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I was so happy to read of the marvelous turn of events in your life.


I wish you and MR. SINGLE a wonderful, loving life.......


AS you said, there is a life after the affair.


And it's WONDERFUL.......and OPEN


Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:11pm
Don't know if you're still around but you asked me a question, if my new man knew about the affair. Yes, I did tell him. I told him after our third date. I wish I had not because I do think that he judged me based on that. He wouldn't admit to it, but I think that he did. I also think that when I mistrusted him he was apt to blame it on the fact that I had had an affair with a married guy rather than the fact that he was basically untrustworthy ...

There are advantages and disadvantages to telling and not telling. I'd say it's probably better to wait until you feel safe with someone to tell them about your romantic past. How are you doing? Have you left your affair behind yet?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:13pm
Thanks for the celebration, Chris! I really appreciate it. As you can see by my post today thought, the relationship didn't work out. I'm sad now, but still deliriously happy that I got over the affair, thanks in large part to this board. Hope you and your family are doing well.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:15pm
How are you doing Maree? Did you manage to leave your OM? Please feel free to email me through my profile if you need extra support. I'd be happy to write to you.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:17pm
Well, NRE, as it turns out, things didn't work out for us and we ended our relationship. It's nothing like the end of the affair though. Thanks for your support now and in the past.

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