I did it.. I went to the shrink..(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I did it.. I went to the shrink..(m)
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 11:53pm
Thy you all who stood by me, thy GT. This morning I told my H that I had a dentist appointment. So out of the phone book I got a woman shrink who said to me " come on over I have a cancellation." It was a 100 dollars for almost 2 hours. So I went. She wanted to hear my story.You believe it or not she wanted to hear my story from as far as I could remember it since I was a baby. I was crying all the time and she kept on giving me tissues. She was shocked at my story.She said I should write a book. Well anyways, she said that my insecurity comes from way back, when my mother left me when I was 8 years old and left me in an orphanage. This was over in Europe and she came to the US w/o me with my stepfather. She left me there to rot., so to speak. An orphanage over there is not like here. We starved all the time, and I was hungry all the time. Well to make the long story short I came over here when I was 19,( 11 years later my mother sent for me). So, I asked her for some pills. She said there is no way she would give me anything since there is nothing wrong with me, I am a healthy woman who needs love and satisfying sex. Which I never got in my marriage. That was my reason for my EMA. The bottom line is: She said: Leave them both. Meaning my H and my XBF. Well my XBF is out of the picture but my H is still in it. So , I either stay with my H and have the good life ,except good sex, or leave him, divvy the money and find happiness elsewhere. I am runnig out of time. I am getting older. But my sex drive is very young since I found out what sex was all about 2 yearsago from my XOM. The first time he and I had sex my mouth was open for 15 minutes b/c I never knew that it can be like that. Oh well, what am I to do now???? I know it is not fair to my H that I am so unhappy all the time. He loves me. I hurt him deeply when he found out about my A. I'd hate to hurt him again by leaving him. We are talking about 31 years of marriage. Sex is not everything , you guys might say. But it is a trade off. I am trading sex for a comfy life. Like my H said once. Who knows whom will I find out there if I leave him. OH well, I need to think about this. Love you all.

PS. Sorry I am not a church goer. Blue.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:08am
I'm glad you took that step, Blue. Going to a therapist can be a courageous thing to do. Are you going to keep going? Because from what you've written I get a sense that you think this is all very simple. No, that's not really true. I know that you know it's complicated. I hope you'll keep going to the therapist, although it did worry me a little that she could come to so many conclusions about things after just one session. Did she actually suggest you leave both men?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:31am
Yes, that's what she said in the end. "leave them both" . I am telling you the truth. Leave my xom since he doesn't want no future with me, just to play the field, and leave my H since he is not making me happy. Also , she didn't act like that she wanted to see me again. So , so much for that. Blue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:34am
Missy! I'm SO PROUD OF YOU! Don't forget that you are worth taking care of! When's your next apptoinment? Go BACK! TAKE CARE OF YOU! The rest will follow! I can PROMISE YOU THAT! Your Husband might be a great guy! But, this will scare him! Don't cave in to that! YOU ARE WORTH IT! There are other less expensive ways to get help too! And you know what? You don't have to be a churchgoer! I'm not. I was taught that God helps those who help themselves! So, whoever your God is, He, She, will help you if you continue to help yourself! I know how hard this was for you! Boy, do I know! I just want to jump up and down and scream to the world right now! BLUESKY DID IT!


Thanks Baby Girl! You made my day!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 8:31am

I am SO proud of you for going to a therapist!!! But, and I hope this isn't out of line - the one you picked worries me... I am wary of someone who talks to you for ONE session and then TELLS you what to do and doesn't schedule another session... I've always believed therapy is about helping guide someone to find their own answers... not telling them based on the therapist's own value system what they should do. Does that make sense???

Honey - I hate to say this because I can only begin to imagine the courage you summoned to go to a therapist in the first place - but maybe you need to find a different one and try again!!!! We can't always find the perfect match the first time out - and sadly, there are some not-so-wonderful therapists out there... maybe you ran into one? I know - it took so much to go - you lied to your H and spent a lot of $... and I wish more than anything you'd found a wonderful therapist - but I just don't think, based on your post, that you did...

I am sorry to hear about how traumatic your childhood was... I think you really truly could benefit from a GOOD therapist (who couldn't?)... Please don't give up after one not-so-great experience... Is there anyone at all (a doctor, family friend) who might be able to recommend a GOOD therapist???? sigh...

HUGS - please don't give up on this - try again - it WILL be worth it...


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:06am
Blue, I think you're great for taking that first step forward, but I unfotunately echo the opinions of others here about the therapist. Therapists are there to help, or guide you along your own journey, not to steer you. I saw four counselors before I found the one that was right for me. For her to tell you to leave DH when she has only had one session, has less than the full picture of him, and doesn't really know you well yet, well, that seems not only unethical but a bit scary, too.

My guess is that a childhood like that has many, many effects on your day-to-day life, and needs to be healed within you before you can move foward. That will take a steady relationship with a counselor you trust, on a consistent schedule. There are many other resources out there which are much more affordable and there is a therapist/counselor out there somewhere that will fit your personality and be a guide, not a leader. Don't give up, you are so awesome for getting out there and doing what you did!! (((HUGS)))


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:04pm
I am so happy that you are making some positive moves to getting unstuck with you life. I am curious though about a shrink that can tell you to leave your husband after only one session and no couple therapy. However, she might be right on with the evaluation. You have some big decisions to make here and i wish you strenght. I would think really long and hard about leaving a marriage that the only thing lacking is the sex though. Maybe some kinda sex therapy and intimacy counseling could help with that shortcoming. Before the A, I had just gotten a D and i look back and wonder if there was more that we could have done as a couple to avoid the D. I wonder sometimes if i was to quick to see the shortcomings instead of the positives of my M. But one thing is for sure, ending the A is gonna be positive. Because of the kids, I still see my XH alot and sometimes i think wistfully about how I wish things had ended differently, especially after reading a book that basically said that in most situations when you get a D and end up with someone else, you are basically just trading in one model with his particular shortcomings for another model with different shortcomings. Obviously, if there is no love or abuse or something, a D needs to happen, but not sounding like that is your situation here.

You inquired about how things were going for me last time i posted to you. Basically, I am pretty happy right now. have been dating a single guy since Jan.1. I miss XMM (who is divorced now) sometimes and even saw him for the first time in months last week. However, everything seemed different about him and i was reminded of the expression about not being able to go home. Too much water under the bridge. It makes me sad, but sometimes you just can't recreate soemtihing (esp. when it wasn't real in the first place). I know that i don't love him anymore. I just miss the feeling of being in love with him and all the passion and strong emotions of that relationship. next month, it will be two years since the A started and i am glad it is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 3:40am
I don't know your story blue, but when I read that you went to this therapist and she was able to give you a conclusion after only two hours of talking about your entire ife...... come on!! This is like a warning flag. Even my good counselor, and he indeed is cannot tell me that. Usually a good counselor would first analyze what you are saying and then pick up from there and work with YOU together, not come to a conclusion after two hours. Usually he would have an idea already what is missing and not right but he will take the time to slowly put you in a place when you are comfortable and receptive to the suggestion. I hope you are not listening to this woman. Sometimes bad judgment from a so called professional can damaged more than what we are looking for.

Your story is more complex than what you can write on these posts, so before you leave anyone, learn about yourself first. I did and now I am happily married.


MY counselor


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 5:02am
Cinta! Well, that what she told me on the end:" Leave them both." So , she didn't say that she wanted me back ,nothing. Thy for sending me your conselor's email address. I will try her or him . Did you do your conseling through email with her??? Or how did you do it?? Well , thanks anyways. I will not leave my H just yet. LOL. Hugs to you Blue.