I did it ...... now what?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:45am |
I am back, from my overseas trip with XOM, that is. The good news is, I did it. I told him that I needed some space and time to think, that him being in the picture will only cloud my judgement and I asked him to give me some space and time so that I could come to a decision on what I wanted out of my life. I told him that I would never know the real reason why I am even thinking of leaving my H, whether it is because of him or because my M lacked passion, so long as he is in the picture. And he agreed to give me the space. For the first time, we did not end up fighting. On the contrary, things were really good between us for the remainder of the trip. He was very sweet to me and we hang out together with several other colleagues and had great fun. It was just like the good old days, when we were still "just friends", before the A started and things became complicated. I missed the friendship we used to share. He was such a dependable friend, but a terribly unreliable lover who went through mood swings as bad as the changing weather.
It has been a few weeks since we last spoke. And guess what - I don't feel any pain any longer. It is true - that time heals all wounds. I no longer feel the urge to call him, email him or text him..... save for one email which I sent yesterday. I was feeling sad yesterday, and extremely nostalgic. I am organising a memorial dinner for someone very dear to both of us who died very suddenly a year ago. I sent him an email about how the gang is no longer around. We all used to work together in the same office, but our dearest friend died suddenly (had a stroke and collapsed right in front of me in the office) and shortly after, two other of my closest colleagues left as they couldn't handle the memory of the whole incident. And then XOM relocated to another country. All my closest friends left me within the space of 8 months. I detract from my story. Back to it now....
As I was saying, I used to feel so much pain. And every single day, I had to restrain myself from calling him. I still think about him now, though strangely, I no longer feel the urge to call him. I still think about the time we spent together, but I no longer yearn for it (maybe jusssst a little) or cry over it. It's one of those thoughts that flashes across my mind every now and then, and I smile at the memory of it and put that away and get on with my life. I suppose the fact that I have been extremely busy since I got back helped a great deal. Besides, I am signing up for a whole host of activities to keep myself busy - yoga, pilates and even considering training for the marathon!
My H is not too pleased about it. He feels that we don't spend enough time together. As it is, I work late every day and we only spend a couple of waking hours together each day, save for the weekend during which I basically spend the entire weekend with him doing whatever it is he wants to do. But in a way, I think this is my way of getting some space from my H so that I can think about my next step - now what? What do I do now?
I know I have to think about my M, whether it is something I could live with for the rest of my life, whether the lack of passion is so important to me that I am willing to throw away a happy M, or whether I am willing to accept that as part of life. Perhaps I am being too idealistic. There is no perfect marriage, or is there? Perhaps there is no perfect man. Or is there? Whatever the case, I know XOM is not the perfect man. So why am I even thinking about him? Even if I do end up leaving my M, then the mere fact that I left because I was searching for someone better than H (more passion, but that can't be all) leads me to the conclusion that that person is not XOM. So where do I go from here? What do I do now?
