I did it...I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
I did it...I think
15
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:05pm
hey everyone.

You may have read my post yestersay in which I told you I would be ending my A of four months that day, here's what happened.

OM came by to give me a ride to the bar in which we were meeting mutual friends for drinks. On any other night like this, we would've met up an hour earlier than everyone else and talked/kissed etc. I was planning to use our extra hour to have a good talk and end things.

Things started badly when he was almost an hour late and I knew we wouldn't have time to talk other than on the way to the bar which was twenty minutes away.

We were in his car and somehow I just couldn't think of how to say 'it's over'. Just as I was about to give up and end it another time, my cellphone rings. It was H. My god that just had to be a sign!

So I took a deep breath and told him that it had become too hard for me to continue this relationship and to my utter astonishment he says,

'If this is too hard we can stop it, you know I'll respect whatever decision you make'

!!!!!!

No tears, no tantrums, not even an awkward silence.

By this time we had arrived at the bar where our friends were (who have no idea about the A). We stayed a few hours, drank talked and had a good time. He went home and An Hour later my DH came to give me a ride home.

The evening went really well. It was great to be just friends again. I didn't even feel that attracted to OM anymore.

I couldn't have expected a better outcome to this situation.

I recieved an I.M from OM about an hour ago. He said thats he's going to call me later to talk properly about last night. He seemed positive and friendly. He said that it seems as though H and I are starting over and he's glad he wont be a distaction for me anymore.

I really think this may work out.

H and I are talking and OM and I still seem to be friends... Or should I say XOM?!!

Thanks for listening you guys... I hope things stay this way.

m x

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:42pm
Cocktail,

It seems that so far things are going your way and for that I am very

happy for you. I believe your attitude regarding the entire situation

is what has made it easier on you. Good luck having that talk with xOM

but I hope it stays positive for you. I can tell you that I give you

credit because I can not remain friends with my xOM, I just couldn't do

it.

Keep us posted.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:19am
just don't count on it & don't be surprised if your MM stops being so understanding about your needs on down the line.

Maybe I'm cynical because my MM said the same thing at first when I ended it. Then he went kinds of nutso & started stalking me.

For me, NC was the best way -- at least to let all the dust settle & to clear up the confusion in the transition time -- yesterday, we were lovers - today we are friends?

Good luck! I hope it's as easy as you describe.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:38am
Hiya Wheres,

What fabulous news! Well done!

So now that you're just buddies you'll have no problem with printing off all your IM's & emails so your husband can read them? All your phone calls with exOM will be conducted on speaker phone while your husband is present? And, of course, all your get-togethers with exOM will now include your husband?

Well, why not, you're just friends, right?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:37am
Bitter much?

I made a mistake.

I ended it.

I came here for support.

I'm not going to lie anymore, I wont need to keep phonecalls and e-mails secret. Nor do I need to to declare each one to my H.

We've decided to stay friends, if it doesn't work out then I'll try it another way.

The people on this board have been helpful and honest and I appretiate that.

However there seems to be a certain line of thinking:

AFFAIRS ARE WRONG!

NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY CURE! (this really is your mantra)

YOU WILL NOT REMAIN FRIENDS WITH OM!

Surely we can all be open minded enough to realise that all of our situations are different and there is no set rules in which to end an affair?

You may not agree with the way I'm gettin through this, but what works for me...works for me.

I wish you peace if you haven't yet found it.

mx






Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:02am
Hiya Wheres,

<<>>

Not at all bitter, life is as good as I've ever known it to be honest, and honesty has a great deal to do with that contentment. You do seem a bit touchy & defensive though, but so was I when I still had secrets to hide. Not surprisingly, I don't really miss that touchiness or defensiveness all that much. If it's over & it's a friendship and you've chosen to work on your marriage, how do you justify being friends with the one person who most jeopardises it? In reality, your exOM friend is DH's worst enemy, isn't he?

<<>>

So did I! Now we've acknowledged it, we can begin to learn from it.

<<>>

Don't kid a kidder. More importantly, don't kid yourself. If you'd ended it, you wouldn't have entitled your post "I did it...I think" and then remained secret friends with exOM - It's still an affair even if it's `just' an emotional affair now. Ask your DH a hypothetical question, which would be more painful about an affair, the sexual intimacy or the emotional intimacy? You'd think men might resent the sexual intimacy most, or at least I did, but since DH & I openly discuss matters I know his answer is actually the emotional intimacy.

<<>>

And you got some, though it's understandable that since it doesn't coincide with what you wanted to hear you're not overly pleased with it. Give it time, others may well chime in with their own thoughts.

<<>>

By maintaining a secret friendship with someone outside the marriage with secret phone calls & emails, you are still lying by omission. Try reading the article entitled "A Word About Adultery," it's food for thought at any stage of an affair.

<<>>

Why not just come out and say your physical affair has now changed to an emotional one? Why would you need or want to maintain a friendship with someone who has encouraged and enabled you to lie to, cheat on and betray someone who loves & believes in you? How many of your other friends are secret from DH? I'm certain that exOM is truly wonderful, is kind to animals, pays his taxes on time, and even helps old ladies across the street, however, the fact remains this is your husband's worst enemy and someone with whom you're having an emotional affair if not necessarily a physical one at this moment in time.

<<
However there seems to be a certain line of thinking:>>>

Yes, the people on this board are genuinely helpful.

<<>>

Ok, want to give me some reasons why `Affairs Are Right?'

<<>>

When you are married and have made the choice/decision to work on your marriage, how is continuing to cloud your mind with exOM going to facilitate that? Dependent on my mood & the circumstances, my mantra is the Anais Nin or the Hugh Elliott quote actually, but I can see why you might think NC might be my mantra.

<<>>

How many of your other friends' emails do you feel the need to hide? How many of your other friends' phone calls must be taken when DH isn't present? How many of your other friends have you been boinking recently? When you are married and have made the choice/decision to work on your marriage, how much emotional intimacy are you sucking from your husband in order to give it away to any of your other friends? This man is your husband's worst possible enemy, remember? And you want to be his friend? Kinda gives a whole new twist to the phrase, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," doesn't it?

<<>>

And surely we can recognise when someone is still lying to, cheating on and betraying their spouse since most of us here have done it ourselves. Surely we can recognise the same familiar sets of justifications for keeping an ex-affair partner close to us for our own ego-strokes & warm-fuzzies when it's seriously detrimental to the marriages we're giving lip service to working on. Would you object to DH having a secret female friend with whom he was until recently also physically intimate? Ask yourself what need in YOU that you perceive exOM is fulfilling - that's what you need to be looking at and finding ways of fulfilling it yourself.

<<>>

That's the very crux of this thing, Wheres. It may well work for *you* at least as long as you're able to remain undetected, but how exactly does it benefit your husband or your marriage upon which you state you wish to be devoting time & effort towards improving? How's it going to help your husband or your marriage when you're continuing to leech emotional intimacy from the marriage in order to give that emotional intimacy away to exOM? You're getting the ego-strokes & warm-fuzzies of the emotional affair while DH gets less than nothing. Hardly fair or what he'd choose given the opportunity, is it? If you want it to be all about you, then why not consider freeing your husband to do the same with an affair partner of his own choice?

<<>>

Why thank you! It's always lovely to have some of that peace sent back my way. Peace for me is freedom from lies, deceit and betrayal, I'm comfortable in my own skin these days, and I actually like who looks back at me in the mirror. That coupled with the ability to genuinely appreciate the love I share with DH rather than taking it for granted is priceless. I thoroughly recommend it.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:22pm
hi Posie

I read and re-read your post.

Just to fill in a bit more detail, the fact that OM and I had IC is a a secret which I keep from my DH. However H knows OM and I are very close friends.

The reason I had this A is because at that time in our relationship, I felt completely hopeless. DH seemed to stop caring. He stayed out all night, called me names and made my life as miserable as I could ever have imagined. For months I pleaded for him to talk to me, to tell me what was wrong and he would not. (Maybe he was having an EMA of his own- who knows?).I tried to be the good wife who sticks with her H through the bad times but it was too hard. When someone tells you that they dont love you, day after day you start to believe it and forget how anyone could (love you).

I never considered leaving him. I hoped that if I could just get things right he may

change his mind and things would be the way they once were. It didn't happen.

To the rest of the world we were the perfect couple. No-one had a clue and because no-one ever asked me how things were, I kept it inside.

One day I was talking to a good male friend of mine when he asked 'are you happy?'. It all came flooding out and I told him everything. This is when he confessed to me that he had feelings for me, and then he slowly became the OM. I knew I wasn't in love with him but it was all too perfect the attention and the honesty were things I had not experienced for a long time.

During the past month DH has changed. Suddenly he's nice to me again. He takes me out, he spends time with me and for the first time in about a year I think he's actually trying. This is why I decided to end the A. If he is willing to try then so am I.

So you see, DH isn't all innocent. I know what I did was awful and I do regret it. I do consider OM to be a friend. We all make mistakes. Maybe he should have encouraged me to work on my M instead of the A but things do happen.

Something in your post has really made me think...

<<>>

You know I think you may be right. Yes I have stopped the physical side of the A. however I know I will still enjoy talking to him and being around him. Can this be described as an emotional affair? How would you define an emotional affair?

Yesterday was the first time in weeks that I had felt better. Stopping the physical contact and feeling optimistic about my relationship with DH felt great, I guess that your post felt like a big bucket of reality being tipped over my head. That the decision I made just wasn't adequate.

It wasn't a huge step I know. To me it was a start on the right track. An achievement for me, if only a small one. Certainley not enough to fix all my problems but enough to make me think it could be done.

I apologise for suggesting that you may be bitter. You are clearly doing very well. Thankyou for posting you did make me think, even when I didn't want to!!

I wish you lots more happiness for the future and I know I will become an avid reader of your posts, just to smile at your fair, matter-of-fact opinions ( though at times a little harsh? Come on we all like a bit of wishy washy now and then!)

Thankyou m x

p.s, sorry to ramble on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:21pm
Don't apologize wheres. You're taking some big steps in the right direction. I personally think the judgmental people tend to be the weaker ones. They can't handle any grey so they tell you everything is black and white. Well I think that is not only arrogant, but just plain wrong.

I believe it is possible to be friends with someone you had an A with, but I don't believe it will be easy because not everyone is capable of it. You need to be clear about what boundaries there are and if he can't handle it, you will have to stop seeing him and talking to him. I do think you should try to avoid ever being alone with him. He will always be a weakness for you because you'll feel if things go bad in your M, you can just run back to him. You need to let that idea go. If you can't do that, then it will be time to end all contact.

But I have faith in you and I believe that people can be strong if they choose to be. Good luck with everything and most of all, I hope you and your H are able to make things work again.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:37pm
Hiya Omaha,

I've not had an opportunity to reply to Wheresmycocktail just yet but rest assured I will be addressing her directly very soon.

As one of the "judgemental," "arrogant", "weak ones" with the inability to see the "grey areas," I'd thought I'd re-post this to you directly and ask which particular bits of this article you are successfully able to render grey.

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14261.1&ctx=0

To be honest, I'm neither hurt nor offended. I remember very well painting similar pictures of others. I begged more than once not to be judged and then went right ahead & judged others, just as you're doing.

I'm not giving away any great secrets here but it's actually a common enough aspect of some peoples' healing process. See, while you're busy being p1ssed at someone else, it means you don't have to focus on the real problem(s)/issue(s) in YOU - whatever it (or they) may be. It's a common enough smokescreen and one often utilised while you're grieving the end of a relationship and before one can begin accepting some responsibility for the consequences of their own choices and decisions.

Omaha, if it helps get you past this in some way, if you really need a target, then by all means be p1ssed at me. I can take it. And I'm here when I can be.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:46pm
Posie,

I am not pissed...at you or anyone else. Nor was I attacking you. Believe me, I fully accept the consequences of my actions and know all my own faults very well. I'm an introspective person and am constantly working to make myself better. I am sorry for the wording of my post as I now realize it did come across as judgmental. I guess I tend to rush to the defense of those who are at their weakest point when I perceive them being attacked.

Omaha

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:40pm
Hiya Wheres,

<<>>

So since the IC aspect of your A is over with, you're happy to involve H in your friendship, right?

<<>>

We all have reasons, we all have excuses, we can all justify why we did what we did, but the fact remains that whatever the reasons, excuses or justifications, we all invariably made a conscious decision (more usually a series of decisions over a period of time) to enter into an Affair. Regardless of reasons, those of us who are married decided to get our feel-goods outside the marriage - we all turned outward from the marriage rather than inwards. I did it, too, in my own way, I just separated from DH first - I am no less guilty of having chosen to have an affair and ALL that goes with it.

<<
change his mind and things would be the way they once were. It didn't happen.>>>

Maintaining a long-term relationship is far more difficult than chopping & changing partners whenever the high wears off or we grow bored with them. It can also be far more rewarding, but you're quite right BOTH partners must be willing to actually work at it. An affair is often a desperate quick-fix solution and almost invariably an affair ultimately creates far more trouble, distress & emotional upheaval than anything else. It's never an ideal fix to pour petrol (gasoline) on a fire already burning out of control. Equally, ignoring problems seldom makes them go away.

<<>>

Good work. Here you have the nub of your vulnerability to suggestion to the possibility of the beginnings of an EMA. As many men want to be the knight in shining armour as there are damsels in distress. He needed to rescue you as much as you wanted rescuing. Co conspirators, us against the world tucked away in our own bubble safe and away from the big, bad world. I know every centimetre of the bubble exOM & I occupied for 3.5yrs. Know your bubble, Wheres, what needs do you perceive it filled for you?

<<>>

I understand noticing change in DH's behaviour. I also understand not having noticed it for a long time since my head was so full of exOM. There's a difference. If you are both willing to try again, then what purpose is exOM serving? Quite apart from him being your DH's worst enemy as your co-conspirator, is it fair to want him to hang around on the off chance things don't work out? If you no longer need rescuing, what need is exOM fulfilling apart from continuing to keep secrets from DH? What do you discuss as friends or exlovers that can't or shouldn't be discussed in front of DH? How many of the discussions in your other friendships need to be kept hidden from DH?

<<>>

No, I don't see. DH is entirely innocent of participating in your unilateral decision to embark upon an affair. The marriage may not have been a pleasant place, but the marriage didn't have an affair - you did. We do all make mistakes, it's part & parcel of being members of species homo sapiens. We have free will and sometimes we do make bad choices. Hopefully, we can learn from those mistakes and become better people, or at least not repeat past mistakes.

<<>>Why not just come out and say your physical affair has now changed to an emotional one?<<< You know I think you may be right. Yes I have stopped the physical side of the A. however I know I will still enjoy talking to him and being around him. Can this be described as an emotional affair? How would you define an emotional affair?>>>

I'd personally define an emotional affair as anything whatsoever which I wouldn't be 100% comfortable saying or doing if my husband weren't right standing right beside me. Others may have wider or less wide definitions, that's just how I police myself since I'm wholly responsible for my own actions, choices and decisions - the buck stops with me.

<<< Yesterday was the first time in weeks that I had felt better. Stopping the physical contact and feeling optimistic about my relationship with DH felt great, I guess that your post felt like a big bucket of reality being tipped over my head. That the decision I made just wasn't adequate.>>>

I'm genuinely glad you feel better in having made a positive choice. My post was meant to inject a note of realism and often realism ain't what we want to hear amongst all the fantasy bubble stuff. Believe me, I have lashed out far longer and much harder than you did and I didn't think for one minute you'd be thanking me for pouring water over your accomplishment. I was ready for it.

<<>>

I'm prouder of you than you can ever imagine that you are making your OWN decisions. Taking steps in the direction YOU want to proceed in. Your decisions are your decisions and it is not for me to say whether they are adequate. You need to make your own decisions, but if you think of me as nothing more than a "devil's advocate" I can point stuff out that might make you think some. No matter what speed you wind up going, Wheres, you'll make your OWN decisions along YOUR own individual way. I had to learn the hard way. I had to try everything. No avenue was left unexplored. And whether rightly or wrongly, whether good, bad or purple, I made my very own decisions along my own way.

<<>>

No apology necessary. Remember, I said I kinda expected it? I'm only this far along because some people on another board far, far away took the time to play devil's advocate to me, to be the friends that told me my arse looked big in that and to take it off without sugar coating it, and to hold my hand when I didn't like what I saw looking back at me in the mirror they held up which I'd kept covered for so very long. I don't kid myself I'm anything like that good, but if I can invite you to think...then maybe I've repaid some of those good ladies & gentlemen. If it helps to be p1ssed at me, then be my guest!

<<>>

I was wishy-washy for over 3.5yrs. I also know there are plenty more of the hand-holding variety of support posts so that mine (and Free's & True's amongst others) are balanced out nicely. And you ramble away, why dya think we're here?!

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie




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