I did it...when does the crying stop?
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| Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:06am |
Hi
So this is my first post as an 'official ender'. I am praying that I am strong enough to do this.
Ok so short history... MW in A with MM for 18mths. For the past 6mths (maybe longer) he has been getting busier and busier. This was genuine but also he had a big issue with the guilt and started to pull back. The last few months I have barely seen him, although he has made an effort to be in contact nearly every day.
Meanwhile, I have been journalling my increasing unhappiness in the A. I have a wonderful H, who (while rather inattentive when it comes to intimacy and relationships) has been very good and trying hard for the last few months. This made me feel even more guilty, while I have been watching the AP pull further away.
Im ashamed to say but I

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Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Thank you all again for the warm welcome. Oh Iddy Im in Australia- so I am writing while you are all snoozing away:)
I went to work this morning, burst into tears, said I feel sick, and came home! Ugh bad start to day 1 huh? But it gets worse. In my sadness yesterday, I sent him/xAP (I'll get used to saying that) a very long email. Saying everything I felt, how much he meant to me, how sad i was that this was ending, and yes Im ashamed to say- offering that if he ever wanted to find a solution, I would talk with him. Its wierd because even as i wrote that, I knew there is NOTHING he could
Good day Iggy,
Well - you knew this was coming: a reality check on what the BLEEP went wrong. First off, one of the golden rules of NC, is to come here BEFORE you take any actions to respond or reach out to xAP. If you had sent us an SOS or vented here, you would have saved yourself some of the pain and humiliation you are feeling. Have you read about the 48 hour rule? This is what we impose when we are unsure of what to do, or are having an itching to smoke the "crack pipe", break NC. Before I begin, I am going to ask you to PLEASE try and trust me that all these comments are coming from a place of genuine concern. I am almost 5 months out and feel I have something to offer you from my own learning post affair with the guidance and support of my EAS sisters & brothers
So let's see here:
***
"I went to work this morning, burst into tears, said I feel sick, and came home! Ugh bad start to day 1 huh? But it gets worse."
*** This is exactly how most of us began day one. In total dispair - ruins. The withdrawl is horrific and comparable to coming down/off of any other type of addiction. This is no time to be in denial about the addictive nature of affairs. Putting in those first few days - weeks of pain pays dividens when you hit about week 3 and it starts to get much better.
"In my sadness yesterday, I sent him/xAP (I'll get used to saying that) a very long email. Saying everything I felt, how much he meant to me, how sad i was that this was ending, and yes Im ashamed to say- offering that if he ever wanted to find a solution, I would talk with him.
*** It wasn't the sadness reaching out, it was the addiction. You were seeking validation from the one person clearly unable to offer it to you. You were outpouring your heart and soul to him in the hopes of what? Seriously? I am asking you to ask yourself this question. You've read here, you know well enough what to have expected back - nothing but heartache. Sometimes some of us have had to just continue to hurt ourselves more to see, really see, that our affairs were absolutely NO different from any one else's here. Yes, we are all individuals, but most every affair has some fundamental similarities, and they aren't good ones.
"Its wierd because even as i wrote that, I knew there is NOTHING he could do that would make this alright. I dont ever want to leave my H and the more I came to know exAP, the more he differed from the AP I fell for."
*** See here - we lie to get our ego stroked. We say things that we know aren't true even as we are saying them chasing that elusive high. This is a sure sign of your addicted brain. Worse, you pulled your xAP in to your crisis. YOU were feeling lonely and sad, and so you chose to take steps that further degraded yourself, and showed neither respect for your marriage, or your xAP. It sucks when we realize just what a grip that affair fog has/had over us.
"Anyway, it was a very long email, and very courteous and grateful for all we had shared. He sent a 4 line response!!!! Thanking me for what we shared, saying I am no longer happy with him and saying he wanted to stay friends."
*** What exactly are your grateful for? The hurt, devastation, rotting of self-esteem and dignity. What did you share that you can feel good about when you step back and think about it? Ya - I shared absolutely fantastic things with my xAP - but when I step back I feel sick thinking about all the lies and manipulation that went into making that oh so special event happen, and the covering up of me/it afterwards. I wasn't grateful for the immense anxiety that I developed, the disruption in sleep & eating patterns, the disconnect from my family and friends, loss in school productivity. It became a struggle to get out of bed. So, really and truly, what is there to be grateful for? I am not even going to go through the friends BS. There are plenty of posts that cover that topic.
"It was a slap in the face, and I deserved it. Maybe its a good thing, I really needed that to drive another nail in.
You don't need any more hurt. I am sorry, but you deserve to be without such crippling pain - you just have to chose it. You have to believe yourself better than subjecting yourself to the humiliation and degradation. It is awful when we chose to stop the hurt by ending the affair, only to go back for more. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change.
"I am struggling today with feeling that I should have had lower expectations- that somehow I am to blame because he realy was trying to make me happy but I demanded more. In my logical thoughts- I know this is crap. That anything that makes you sad, frustrated and feeling 'clingy' is a sign that the thing doesnt belong in your life.
You know, when you are told while in the affair to just be grateful for every crumb you get, it takes A LOT of work to re-establish healthy ways of thinking about relationships. When in your affair you had to tell yourself a whole bunch of things to cope with the harsh reality that you were being treated as less than a person. You had to settle for stolen moments: seconds of time that came too late and never lasted long enough. It takes tremendous psychological effort to re-frame being satisfied with meager scraps. It does a complete number on your self-worth and your sense of right and wrong.
He doesn't belong in your life because he was an affair partner. END OF STORY. The feelings of being clingy, frustrated and unhappy are very powerful side-effects of having less power in the relationship. Unfortunately, in most affairs, there is a tremendous power imbalance wherein someone is consistently giving more than the other person. In an effort to get more, the "giving" AP often continues to give more, until they realize, there is nothing left of themselves to give. We start to get angry and feel hurt as we ask ourselves "how much more do I have to give to get what I need". The devastating truth - is that no amount of giving will get you what you need. What you need is inside of you - what has been lost, can only be restored by re-building your self from the inside. People get all wrapped up thinking that if they can find out the 'reason' for their xAPs behaviour, they can just move forward. They look for excuse after excuse, refusing to see that the affair was in and off itself a death wish - made to end the moment it began. No other reason in the world is necessary to get 'your' head around why your affair needed to end. People want pretty window dressing on a disaster zone. People want dignity and respect in ending, when none existed to begin with.
"On an upside, he texted and I didnt respond. First time ever! It wasnt hard actually- you'll see why. After that 4 line resoponse to my soulful essay, after me blabbering at the restaurant, all night and all day, after crying that I am somehow to blame for all this, he sent a text saying that "no matter what- he'd always want to f#@k me and be in a hotel with me". Does he have any idea how that made me feel? So cheap- so very nasty. It was a slap in the face- but Im sure he thinks it was enticing and would make me feel better."
*** We teach others how to treat us - as that old saying goes. There were plenty of reasons for you not to respond. What if he would have responded with a loving and caring email and text? Where would you be today? Right back into the affair. You want out of this - don't you? Then you have to work you a$$ off, like you wouldn't believe. You have to have courage at a time when you are feeling at your weakest and most vulnerable. You have to feel worthy of more than this at a time when you feel like disposable garbage. I have been where you are, all of us successful enders have pulled ourselves out of the wreckage and are here to help others discover their whole lives that are waiting for them outside of the affair.
"Ugh I want to cry. I want to vomit. I want to scream at him. I want him back. I want him gone. I want to forget him. I want revenge.... you name it - I feel it today"
*** Yes - it is okay to feel all of these things, but you can not act. Time to get back some self-control by not acting on your impulses. You have to sit with the discomfort of these emotions and start to let the toxins leave your body. If you want to accomplish an ending, you have to work toward re-focusing your energy on you and only you.
These are the words from your signature:
"You are what you consistently do"
So apply them to you. Are you a quitter? H@ll NO! Now brush yourself off, and let us know how you are doing to get back on the NC bandwagon.
oh, and PLEASE get rid of that darn cell phone if you can't block his number, and block him from your email. There are no baby steps in NC. It is all or nothing Iggy. Time to review the rules of NC.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 9/9/2010 4:55 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU, all I can say is, THANK YOU.
Your reply wasn't directed at me, but I'm on day 2 of NC and feeling the burn, badly. I needed to hear each and every word you said. I feel very vulnerable. He ended it, and I'm respecting that, but I'm just terrified that if he says he wants to talk things over again, I'll cave. I would be tempted to respond, so I keep checking the board every hour or so just to build strength. Your post was invaluable today.
Yay, Iggy!
Thank you TU- I really needed all that. Yes you are right (and I get it) that the reason I was in an A, my grief about it ending, my shock at how he responded- all these things are about ME!
I actually have a great life. Sure the marriage needs work but he's a good man, my kids are fantastic, my career is great, I am successful, great friends etc. I really need to understand what hole I have that I was trying to fill
first txt sent
damn i forgot to say X,Y and Z... i have a spare 3minutes between ironing (yeah made that one up) and
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
What?!? There are others out there who think crazy thoughts like this???
Here's just a train of my thoughts :
@@@@@@@@@@@@ He didn't email me. Why didn't he email me. Did I say something wrong? Shall I send him a sweet email just to let him know I care about him? Or is it better if I don't... No, I will send him something, or else he might think I am angry with him .. (wasting at least 30 minutes to compose a short 3 sentenced email) ... Okay, the email is finished. I will send it to him. No wait, let me re-read it , just to make sure I didn't say anything wrong... Check. Double check. It sounds fine. He doesn't reply. He doesn't even read it! He must be mad at me 4 sure! What did I do wrong? Is he mad because I can't have sex with him because he is married and wants to stay married? But he knows I do love him, right... @@@@@@@@@@ (((and so on AND SO ON AND SO ON ! )))
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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