I did a terrible thing
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| Sun, 01-23-2005 - 7:35am |
i've been reading some members posts alot - those who sound like they've been through my situation. i'm in love with a MM and decided i was not going to sit home another saturday night. i accepted a dinner invitation from a man who i know has a crush on me and we went out last night. long story short: i had a lot to drink. he stayed the night. i feel sick with guilt. i have been crying uncrontrollably since he left. i feel like i cheated. i should have not let it happen but at the time i felt like i was being independent. the truth is i felt nothing with this man last night. no magic. now i feel like such a whore. i kept thinking that when i end my A i will be free to explore with new men. now i realize i don't want anyone else. i am so confused.
D.

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(((debbismiles)))
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Well sweetie, first you have to end the affair so your mind and heart
True:
That was wondefully written. Compassionate and full of wisdom.
God I love this board, what a gift it can be, as you are as well True.
Just a small thank you to all of you who help me think. (I must be pmsing, I am fulla mush but please do not think it takes away from my logical sincerity....if i am pmsing I am sure I will have some *logical* feelings to follow as well ). LOL
Anyway...excellent!
::passing lots of water and protien to Debbi:::feel better, hangovers suck (thats why I dont drink alot anymore...I hate having to deal with hangovers lol. You are human in a very emotional and stressful non-normal situation. This could be an eye opener after you quit beating yourself up. You are free. Your emotions and physical chemicals of love are not letting you be is all. You are human and a woman. Gift and curse. You just may be scared to let go of something that really wasn't something to hang onto. Its a process that isn't done overnight. (otherwise you'd get whiplash). Forgive yourself. You are not crazy. Its a mindboggling process.
Lizzie
Debbi,
First, let me say you did not cheat and you are not a wh0re.
The relationship you are involved in is and can only be at best a psuedo-relationship. He's married, honey. He's already involved/committed and its not with/to you.
I am a former OW who just ended my affair a little over a week ago. I too have been VERY tempted to have sex with someone just because... and that was sober, mind you.
Its a compelling pull... trying to find another branch to grab ahold of before you let go of the one you have (mm).
What happened with you is natural. You probably feel like you've been settling for so little for so long, that your standards are already dropping, hence the date with a man you're not really interested in.
But the likelyhood of you finding someone you ARE interested in while you are with this MM is slim to none. I know. I tried.
Even now, I sit at home alone, miserable that I don't have anyone, not even his pathetic scraps of affection, to look forward to anymore.
But I know that someday soon I will have a whole man all to myself and I won't have to settle for anything.
I am standing at the buffet, trying to make up my mind on what I really want to eat, rather than settling for the first thing I find. I have been offered some snacks, but I knew they would just leave me hungry for more. You had a snack, sweetie, and it didn't sit well with you. Now you know, and you can make better decisions next time.
Brush it off, stand up, and walk away. You didn't do a terrible thing, you made a human mistake, that most all of us have at one point in time.
You don't need a new man to let go of this one.
I don't know if I made as much sense on here as I did in my head... cough syrup will do that... but please email me if you want to talk.
I am a single former (as of a week ago) OW and I KNOW the pain of Saturday nights alone. And Sunday mornings alone. And Christmas alone. And New Years alone.... and the list goes on.
I'm always here, hon.
Good luck to you!!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
I am in your shoes. We ended our relationship, hopefully for good, yesterday. I also had a one night stand with someone and I felt like I had cheated on my married lover. I was miserable and disstraught and it drove me back into his arms. I didn't want the sex with a stranger that I didn't love. I wanted the emotional intimacy that I had with my married lover.
So he came over yesterday to talk about it all. We drank too much, had sex again, and it ended with me in tears begging him not to leave. He got angry at me for "being needy" and not being able to let go. He was angry at himself for succumbing to temptation. I was angry at myself for succumbing to temptation. I love him too much. I want a real relationship that I can have someeone to go out with on Saturday nights who can spend the night and I won't be clingy.
I don't know how to deal with all the emotions that I'm feeling. I just want to be with my married lover.
Hello, D... Stop beating yourself up! The man is single, you had too much to drink and now it's time to chalk it up to alcohol.
Your date probably thinks you're very easy....so what!
Next time he asks you out, tell him no sex and his opinion will quickly change.
The reason you're feeling guilty about MM is because it's obviously not over between the two of you. Make it be over and your guilt will go away.
Also, look at each future male *single* prospect as a new possibility, a new adventure and stop the comparison because if you don't even a great guy doesn't stand a chance with you!
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Lizzie,
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Thanks for your post. You put a "BIG" smile on my face. And......there is nothing wrong with feeling mushy sometimes. I just wanted to let you know that you have also written some amazing posts that get me thinking too. I look at it this way.....IF we all had taken the time to think a little more before we jumped into those burning fires of lust of passion, we wouldn't have gotten ourselves into such a mess in the first place, eh? :)
So now I'm wondering, "WHERE'S DEBBIE?" You still with us girl? Here's hoping you rested up yesterday and can move forward today with the confidence that you are a beautiful, loving
My blessings to you and Debbie
Debbie hang in there you are not alone, I know your scared I am too.
kat
thank you all for your thoughtful replies. i know i am not alone.
i've been reading so many posts, from true & sunshine & kelly & kat (to name just a few). i had gotten responses earlier from kelly and she seems so together. i was thinking i can just bounce back and reclaim my independence. i accepted the date invitation because i felt like i could distance myself from my A. i kind of got caught up in having a real out in public date and it all seemed very natural. i can't blame what happened on the alcohol. he was handsome and charming and so damned smooth. i knew he has a crush on me and i knew it could very easily end up as it did, but i did it anyway. it is almost like i'm engaging in self destructive activities.
i truly regret what happened. i spent all day sunday fretting about what to do. i didn't respond to my MM's emails or v-mails all day. when i talked to him last night it was all i could do not to cry. i feel so guilty. i feel like i should tell him what happened.
i figure the worst that will happen is that he will get mad and end the A. that way at least i'll have been honest nad not feel like i'm going to burst with guilt. actually i don't think he'll do that. i think he'll be very understanding.
as messed up as this all is i feel like i betrayed him. what to do, what to do.
my date has already been calling me to go out again.
D.
Tell your charming, handsome and smooth date that you accept!
You don't owe MM any explanations unless during your A he's told you about how guilty (and absolutely horrible) he's felt each and EVERY time he had sex with his wife!
Please, stop trying to please everyone in your life and for a change, start putting yourself, your needs and the fun you'll have dating this charming and handsome man FIRST!
Tell MM this has needed to end for a while and as of today, you're done! 3 months from now, you'll thank yourself for walking away for good!
caring ...
i did!
he called me again this morning and asked me to have dinner with him. i said yes. i also said that saturday night was a mistake. he didn't agree with me but he said he understood why i felt that way. he said just dinner.
i said yes.
Debbi
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