I didn't know my own strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
I didn't know my own strength
6
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 9:22pm

I have been scarce in posting but have been reading almost every day guys and gals.


My xAP made the fishing attempt today. I thought I had blocked him properly through my work email but turns out I didn't and it ended up in my junk mail box which I do occasionally check since sometimes what it filters ends up being work related. LOL


Anyway...I didn't respond. Had no desire to. I told my H he had contacted me which scared me to death but I had promised to tell him. His reaction was amazing. He was concerned I replied and I said I didn't. If you want to check my email you can since it shows if something is replied to. I honestly waited to delete it in csae he did want to check. After all, if I deleted it, I couldn't have shown him. So now I fixed the whole going to junk mail thing and learned how to set it to permanently delete emails from all his email addresses without hitting my Inbox.


It felt sooo good! I can't describe how good it felt to have that control and then to openly tell my H. There was nothing to hide at all. I let silence speak. HOW AWESOME!!


Before my amazing strong moment which I am still patting myself on the back for, I realized that a lot of the reason the whole A occurred is because I do have a poor self image of me and difficulty with emotional intimacy. We go to our counselor December 2nd and I think some IC will greatly benefit me to avoid this happening again. I do not want to hurt my H again. He has been hurt so deeply and yet loves me still. That in and of itself is bumfuzzling to me somedays. I told H about all this and then told him how hard it is for me to tell him. He listened and is helping me to have a more positive outlook and helping me to really say what I feel instead of holding it in. It is sooo awesome! I cannot even describe it. I have to say all of it is scaring the daylights out of me but I know I will emerge a better person, a better wife, a better friend, a better mother, a better everything because I am bettering myself.


Empowerment and Clarity, thank you so much for saying to find out the why you did it. Concentrating on that helped me not to concentrate so much on the xAP which helped to clear my head.


Just had to update and it really feels soooooo good to me right now! Not only am I learning more about me, my H, my M, my life...I am learning to be a better me!


Take care and stay strong!


Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 10:57pm

Hope...your posts are always so upbeat, positive and inspirational.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 11:14pm

Thanks girlie girl! :)


I am being more and more amazed at my H. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for him to hear some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. I pick on him because we both said completely open and honest communication-no BS (bullsh!t not betrayed spouse. hehe). So as much as I stumble and stutter to spit it out and no matter how long it takes I do it. He wants it and honestly it helps me as well.


I can say I am tired of the waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feels good to know I picked up my shoes and put them away so to speak. I can sleep at night. I can go through the day without worrying all the time. Those are things I think about on a weak day when I feel I am gonna be stupid which hasn't happened at all this week. Hmmm..nice. If it did, I would just tell my H. In a way I feel bad to lean on him in some ways. I mean I hurt him..HELLO!?!? It is bumfuzzling still. .


I don't know. I can say I have never felt closer nor more open with any one in my life. Not a friend. A family member. No one. Only him. It is pretty snazzy to think about.


I am looking forward to working through my issues to conquer all this. Most of it is when my sister committed suicide (2006)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 11:48pm

Self-esteem, separation, abandonment...they are often the


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 8:57pm

I hear chickadee on all of it. It is the teenage hormones that kick in and take over. Then, you go..wait..ummm...I am not a teenager. WTH am I doing?!?!


It is embarassing...that is one problem for me. I was talking with H last night and told him that when we walk into a public place I feel like everyone knows and thinks what a whore, what a slut. How could he take her back? He must feel sorry for her. I feel it anywhere we go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 11:57pm

I meant to remember to tell you how sorry I was to hear about your sister's suicide...can't rely upon my memory these days...well, and I


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 11:59am

My sister was 36. At the time she was separated and about to have her divorce finalized when it all happened. The kicker is she had attempted exactly a year before and called me. I got over there and she had taken a whole bunch of pills. I had no clue what to do. I called the doctor on the bottle and they said let her rest she will be ok. Ended up another "friend" took her to the ER and then I met them over there. It was horrible to watch her chug charcoal and listen to her lie to the doctors about what she did. It was a horrid situation.


Then exactly a year later she did it again and no better way to put it she completed it. She is my best friend, my buddy. Life is really empty without her and her advice. I would not be in the situation I am in now if she was here. It sucks honestly!


I hear ya on the laughing at funerals!!! At my H's grandfather's funeral, people thought I was sobbing because I was shaking so hard and actually I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was horrible!


My H is beyond a standup guy. He amazes me each day. Hard to explain it.


Do you still feel embarassed about the whole ordeal? You and your H rebuilding go well?


Take care


Hope