I don't care anymore!
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I don't care anymore!
| Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:39pm |
I'm a little hesitant to declare victory just yet, but for the past week or so I have felt a wonderful feeling of *indifference* about the XMM! (And I think it was Mefreenow who told me a long time ago that "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." Love that quote. Almost 6 months to the day that the A ended, and I am finally feeling free!! Will it last??? I'm starting to believe that it will! :) I realized that I'm coming to this board just out of habit, not because I *need* to; I like the people I've met here and I like to think that some good can come out of my experience if I can help someone who else who is hurting.
Oh, also, I came across this quote today that I thought would really hit home with some of you:
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished." -- Goethe

I'm not there yet. I haven't officially ended it. But, I find myself less and less upset about the prospect of ending it. I think those first 6 months you are truly insane with hormones/infatuation, and now that I'm headed into my 8th month with the a it seems like much more of a calculation to continue with it than an imperative. And when I add everything up, it really doesn't make any sense. So, I have achieved a clarity about it, and I can visualize myself some day not caring about it. In the past few weeks, instead of thinking and plotting about how to see him, or what I can do for him, I've been thinking alot about how to end it gracefully, with tact and care, without blame and bitterness. I can't say I'm over him. But, I certainly am over it, and I have started to turn some attention to how to take control over things in my life that spun out of control because I was so distracted. I also have given some cold, objective thought to my m and while I am committed to giving it my best shot, I realize now that I don't have to stay in my m out of fear or obligation.
I loved this. Thanks for sharing it. It certainly made sense to me and my recent behavior.
I have one more practice and one more little league game! End of season coaches meeting at my house and xMM cannot attend, as he is going to his son's new school for an open house/dinner! Hurrah! His son will not be attending where my boys go!
H issues, continue though. Over the weekend, i lurked on his cell phone, and once again discovered that he has hidden OW's phone number (as a different name) in his cell phone phone book. He tells me it was left there from last Fall, but i don't really believe him.
I spent an amazing 4 days with my boys doing various projects around the house, spending quality time with them. We even went on an all day chartered fishing excursion!
We are getting there. And it feels great!
All my love,
Clarice
I wanted to share something my mother told me when I first began this affair last November. She indicated that she and her husband (both ministers) had been counseled by a therapist who told them that any issues that take place in a relationship or a marriage are correctable EXCEPT for indifference. Once you give up on really caring about components of a relationship it is not salvagable. So when I found myself kind of just "shrugging" things off regarding my OM I realized it was over between us.
elf.