I Don't Deserve H or Anything

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
I Don't Deserve H or Anything
13
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:25pm

Hi all. I'm again posting here b/c I am so thoroughly depressed and low in my life. I know I do not deserve H or anything good in life. I'm hurting so bad b/c I used to be a good person, a loyal person who would never hurt anyone, particularly those who I love. I don't deserve my H or his love, I am horrible wh**e of a woman. I don't deserve to be this good person's wife. We talked tonight about my indiscretions. He had such hurt and pain in his eyes. While he has not said he definitely wants to get a divorce, he did say he wasn't sure if we could work thru things, he wasn't sure if he had it in him anymore to try to make our M work. I am thoroughly devastated and feel I have nowhere and no one to turn to, except this board and my therapist (who I will be seeing again tomorrow night). I don't know what I'm asking for from anyone on this board, other than perhaps a shoulder to cry on, or some words of hope. I don't know. Please help me get thru this horrible time, I know I am not strong enough on my own right now.

Thank you, Blue

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:33pm

You are not a horrible person.... you are a good person who made a horrible mistake.

If your H can't move past the infidelity, he has every right to move on. You have to accept that as part of your responsibility in the affair. But regardless of what happens, you will move past this affair with greater knowledge of yourself. Greater strength. Higher standards for yourself and your treatment of others.

This is not the end of the world, Blue. Its the end of one life, and the start of another.

You will get through this, and come out better than ever in the end. Just hang in there and take care of yourself AND your hubby. Give him all of yourself and try to be the wife you weren't for a while.

We're all here for you to lean on!!! Hugs to you!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:37pm
Thank you - I really needed that hug. I think that's what I'm scared of though - that this is the end of one life. That I will not get to live that life with my H that we talked about and dreamed about for so long. I think he's finally given up on our M. I'm not ready to let that go - I want him and us so bad. Thanks again for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:08pm

Blue

I am so sorry you are going thru this awful pain. But Sunshine is right on. This may be the end of one part of your life but you have a lot more life to live. Please try and stay strong. You are a good person.. please believe that!
Post often. we are all here for you!

Big Hugs

Bria

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:52pm

Now I can hardly relate to the bonds of marriage, but I can tell you a story of my first long term boyfriend...

He was perfect for me. Sweet, stable, caring, kind, fun, great in the sack (just had to throw that in) and an all around great guy who would have given me the moon and stars if I had asked him to.

We never fought, we never argued, not even over where we would go to dinner or what movie we would see, nothing.
He wasn't boring though, and life with him was great.

But I hit a "wild phase". I decided I wanted to be able to go out to bars and drink and play. He sold a beautiful country home, just to move me closer to the city and into a 1 bedroom apartment he hated.

That wasn't enough. I wanted out. He cried and begged me to stay but I had to leave.

So I did. I abandoned him when he needed me. I went out into the real world on my own and soon discovered the grass wasn't greener. I wanted him back... I wanted that life back.

But it was too late. He couldn't do it again, couldn't go through that pain again.

Now, years later, I still would give anything for that life we had. But he's married with a baby and a happy life in the country where he always wanted to be. Because of the love I have for him, I am happy for him. I am at peace with what happened with us because he is better off now. And I will be too. I just haven't found the happier life I was meant to have yet. But I will.
And if the worst comes out of your situation, you too will find a happy life for yourself.

You'll miss him, and it will hurt. But you will move on and you will be happy again. Don't doubt that.

Feel free to email, honey. You will make it through this. You will be happy again. With or without your husband.

But if you want to salvage your relationship the only way to do it is to give him 100%. You can't do that when you're filled with worry. Release that fear and love him with all that you have, knowing that if it doesn't work, you will find love again.

Hugs to you, blue!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:12am

Blue

As the saying goes it's not over until the fat lady sings, I think it's natural for your husband to have real questions about the future of your marriage all things considered.

But as long as your talking to each other there is hope, it takes time for the emotional ship to stop swaying in the ways and wind of post affair. Give him time keep talking, the way to a persons heart is through there ears.

Try to let him see that you are working on yourself and that your no longer the foolish girl that screwed up but that you are growing EMOTIONALLY into a mature life partner.

Blue cut the slapping your self around stuff it really will not help and can put hubby in the position of having to come to your aid when he needs to deal with his own pain.

I don't here no fat lady singing just yet.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:19am

(((((((((Blue)))))))))

Sweetie,

You are NOT a horrible person!! You made a mistake...obviously there are alot of us out here who have made the same mistake.

Have you spoken w/H about marriage counseling (forgive me if someone else asked this, I didn't read all the responses to your post)? I think the fact that he is at least being open and honest with you about his pain and feelings is a good thing.

I luv ya Blue!!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:24am

Sunshine,

I just read your post and had to thank you. I am going thru a similar phase...with a similar guy...only I already married him!

I realized over the weekend, that while my H is a great guy - sweet, kind, caring, stable...he is boring. Even though we are married, I want to go out (with him) and go to bars and dance, and party. He is more content to just stay home and watch movies.

What made you realize that you wanted the boring life over the fun one?

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:16am

Hi Diva,

I've done the bar scene now. I've gotten my fill of going out and not knowing how you'll get home cause you're too drunk to drive. I've had enough of waking up on Sat and Sunday mornings alone.
I want a family. I want someone to share my life with, not someone to idly stand by while I fill myself with though booze and neon lights to make the important things in life go away.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. Those who have stability and contentment at home always think that us singletons are out having more fun than you.... and maybe we are for a few hours on the weekends. But overall, waking up next to a man who loves you is so much more valuable than being free to go to a nightclub.

I'd trade it in a second!

But that's where I am now, not where I was then. And if things had gone any differently he wouldn't have the beautiful life he has now with his wife and child, so I'm glad I did what I did to him.

Everyone has phases, Diva. But once you're married, its harder to give in to those urges, and sometimes it makes more sense to try and let them pass rather than wreck the stability you know and love for a "chance" at more fun somewhere.

JMHO

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:34am
Time will hopefully heal this wound. I know how you feel. I was there 3 months ago. I hurt my H so, and I know the devastation and shock this causes. I think if he's hesitant to D, then he will begin to digest this and move on. Some days will be tougher than others, you just have to reassure him and do everything you can to make him have trust in you again---that is where I am, and it's getting better. You are not a whore. You are human and we all have our weak moments. I love my H and still cheated, still think about the OM daily, want to contact him, but know what the cost will be. First, you have to forgive yourself and remember that you do deserve to be happy. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this will be the segue to greater intimacy with your H. That is what I'm hoping for in my M, but I'm not there yet. Keep your chin up and remember you are not alone!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 3:41pm
Stop this instant thinking you're a whore, you are certainly not, you're regretting all this and showing remorse. I hope your H realizes that and manages to put the past behind you. Seeing a therapist is a great idea, it helps a great deal and if you can convince your H to go to MC it will also help. Whatever the outcome is, things will clarify and get better with time, trust me. You are going through a difficult phase and I hope for the best.

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