I don't get it!!
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| Wed, 12-22-2004 - 8:56pm |
I've had the strangest day...
For the last few months I've felt as though I've really accepted the end of my affair. After five years I realized it would never go anywhere, and that I was messing up my 'real' life by staying in it despite how deep my feelings were for OM. He made it clear that he wanted to stay in the affair, but that he didn't feel he could offer me a future - regardless of us talking about being together for most of our affair. He's a very busy lawyer and he didn't think he's ever see his kids if he divorced. Anyway, I had then suggested we be friends and he didn't think he could handle that if we weren't having sex - he felt he would be frustrated. The whole thing made me feel that he was saying - have sex with me, or its over. I chose for it to be over and as I said, I haven't turned back.
Anyway, things have been rocky with my husband, I'm trying, but its hard. Although I've accepted things are over with OM, for some reason today I really felt sad and missed him. Then out of the blue tonight he called and asked if he could quickly come by (my husband wasn't home and he knew that) I was shocked and said OK. Anyway, he came over and gave me some earrings. My little boy was home and so he whispered in my ear that he couldn't give me what I wanted and deserved, but he missed me. Then he left. The earrings are beautiful. About a year ago, he had bought me some earrings. I never saw them. but from what he described these sound very much like them. He'd hardly ever bought me anything and one time when we had a fight he threw them out of his car as he drove down the highway. I was so upset about that. They sounded so beautiful and I wanted them so bad. Now here I am with what sounds like a very similar set of earrings. I'm so happy he gave them to me, but now what??? Its still over, so why did he give them to me?
I didn't/couldn't say much while he was here, so I sent an email saying they were beautiful. He answered so are you...it was sweet, but I deleted it without replying. I really don't understand why he showed up now - why he gave me this gift after all the times I asked him to replace the earrings and he wouldn't, he's hardly ever given me any gifts and never anything as beautiful as these - why now and why tell me what he did? If its over, then why? It all has really stirred up so many feelings - why would he do that if nothing has changed? I just don't get it!!

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I think the things he gave me will always have emotional significance - I guess its the degree of it that we're trying to alter. The few days I was in contact (just now) with OM were difficult, but I can already feel I'm getting back on track. It was easy to see that nothing had changed in our situation and I know I was doing the right thing by walking away - just need to catch up to where I was before he popped up again.
He will be at the New Years party I'm going to and my goal is to make it through the evening as normally as possible. I do believe that when your XOM is in your life you have to shoot for NC in the form of anything related to your relationship (no secret glances, no comments, etc.) but also you need to diffuse the emotions and make it comfortable again. Kind of like "Oh yeah there's so-and-so" instead of getting all worked about seeing him.
And I hope he 'leaves me alone' now. I asked him to, cause it does nothing for me to hear from him - just takes me back through the pain all over again. We'll see if he respects that this time.
Its not really that I HAVE to go - I want to go. That's where all my friends will be (most of them anyway). I can't keep letting him have impact on my life. Its over and I need to act as such. If I act as though its a big deal that he's there and let that dictate my actions, then I'm giving him much more power than I should - and really than he actually has.
I have found in the past forcing myself to view him as I would any other guy at the party - really helps. And I think it sends the message to him - hey guy - I'm over you!!
Crystal,
I say, absolutely go to that party. I think if you don't, it will be giving him the illusion that you are "weak" and just can't handle being around him. He'll think he has power over your life and what you do with it. I think it would show a greater strength to show up at the party, completely ignore him, or maybe throw him a pleasant "hello" and then rock on with your bad self!! Have a good time, and show him that you're having a good time!!! Don't alter your plans for him!!! Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!!!
Pal
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