I don't have the strength to fight it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
I don't have the strength to fight it...
10
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 10:50am

I will never go back to the A but I can’t stop analyzing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 11:21am

"i don't have the strength to fight it."

Reality does suck - and you're right, especially when when find out we're not so irresistible, as we thought! boy was I hit so very hard over the head (and in the gut) with that one almost two weeks ago. I walked into an ambush. I thought he wanted to see me, instead, he dumped me (dare I say, again?) and told me he was seeing someone else...and had been even though we had been together recently. My ego was crushed.

How could he do this to me? I keep asking myself that in the last 12 days of NC. How could he proclaim one thing one day, then switch to someone else so easily? When I care for him so much and opened myself up to him again - after being hurt before - I opened the door, he took what little of me was left, then took off. I was speechless when he told me. I felt like yesterdays trash. Tossed out without a thought.

But his actions all along were telling me - but I _chose_ to ignore my inner voice and follow what I wanted dreamily to believe. Ahhh, the fantasy. I think it was Gal who mentioned in an earlier post she had this fantasy of sitting on the kitchen countertop drinking a glass of wine and making dinner with xAP. That really hit home, because I had the same one. Those fantasies always seem to fall a bit short of our expectations. Which is probably why these As make us emotional wrecks.

Reality bit me hard. And the past 12 days have been awful. This weekend was really bad. I feel (like you) so stupid, ashamed, humiliated that I lowered myself. The past few weeks I came across as a desperate, sad, middle-aged cougar trying to hold on to her single stud. I could just puke.

And, like you, I have been overanalyzing what he did/said. From the vets on this board, though, that focus (eventually) should/will shift towards me - why_ I_ did/said what I did/said....because what he did/said really _doesn't_matter. I'm beginning to see that when the focus comes back to our behavior, and answering the tough questions of "why" then we finally get some answers and closure we are seeking.

Just some rambling thoughts...

Hugs,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 12:27pm

Alesan,
OMG, you scared the tar of me with your post title! Don't do that! ;)

Besides, your title is not only jarring, it's misleading! Accepting reality, and not fighting to keep in the fog? Whoo-hoo, Girlfriend. Your title should have been "I'm rocking this shiz."

I cannot add anything else to your post, as it seems like you have it under control.

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 12:39pm

Didn't mean to startle you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 12:46pm

Oh, yes. I know that feeling "true love" and "we're starcrossed" and "we suffer in silence" BS.
Seeing it for what it was is VERY painful, because we see our own lies - to the xAP and to ourselves - and we have to accept who we were and how we acted in the harsh light of reality. Ouch! btdt!!
In addition to that, I was left not trusting myself. My own self. As one does not trust one who is a liar, I lied to myself and had a very hard time regaining my own trust.

Digging deep and tackling these issues... its the only way to grow and heal. Tears are to be expected and let them flow, girl. Its cathartic and soon you'll be feeling stronger and more confident. I promise.

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 12:51pm

Your post has inspired me and helped me to know that I'm not the only one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 1:21pm

>>Why on earth would he let me abandon my family if he was never going to be with me? He let me throw away my world...for what? Why didn't he tell me that there was no future for us in the beginning? I have to forget these thoughts because it's what is holding me back.
---------
You should be using those thoughts to actually help yourself move on. He let you to destroy your world because he didn't care. He couldn't tell you there is no future because otherwise your affair would be ended on spot - and he wanted to indulge himself by being with a woman 20 years younger. Only when he could no longer hold a facade, he had to admit it's not going anywhere. You really have to see him for who he was and is and ever will be - user, liar and manipulator who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he's getting what he wants.

Don't you ever think that if you were richer or with "bigger" name, he would've chosen you. It's not about you at all. You are enough - exactly the way you are. You are precious human being who deserves the best that life has to offer.

I feel so bad for you, your every post is very, very sad.

XOXO

Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 1:39pm

Gone,


Thank you for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 4:35pm

Hey!


OMG- dee is TOO FUNNY.... and she's right...it does sound like you have in under control.


It doesn't matter what he said...and if you're married too, you just have to look at if from a position where you were just two people who had no business allowing feelings to develop. Once you just let go, it's MUCH easier to heal from the break up.


I am almost 3 months post-a when I stopped fighting

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 6:14pm

I hope I am not fooling myself with phony bolony strength and resolve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 5:43pm

Hey there...


I believe those "two people battling it out" that you refer to would be your head and your heart :o)....


Give yourself time...your heart is eventually going to lose, which is exactly what should happen. My heart fought my head every inch of the way but now, as I've said before, now that my head is screwed on straight, it wants to talk my heart and beat it to a bloody pulp.


You're hurt....what do you do about it, you ask? Let yourself hurt. It WILL pass. I know when the pain is fresh and raw, it's very difficult to see