I don't know if this is a good thing

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Registered: 10-20-2012
I don't know if this is a good thing
8
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 9:59pm
I realized the other day that I don't hate my xap. I'm not even angry at him. I don't have good feelings about him. I don't have bad feelings about him. I feel good about having come to my senses and having walked away from being treated badly. I feel good about having realized that I was the one who gave him permission to treat me badly. Here's why I don't know if it's a good thing. I ran pretty fast and pretty far on the energy of hate and anger. There's no energy in indifference, if that's what this is. How do I know if I've run fast enough and far enough. I'm not worried about xap. We can't be friends. We tried that a year ago with disastrous results. But how do I guard against anyone else? I've said it before. Xap knew I was ripe for an affair before I did. I'm sure it's a sixth sense in practised cheaters. So maybe it was easier when I was angry. The world is a bit scarier now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 11:29pm

Hi worthmore :smileyhappy:

I think as far as guarding against anyone else, maybe because you realize that you gave him permission to mistreat you, you learned your lesson on how we teach people to treat us...and so you'll be pretty mindful of this when forging new relationships.  And you'll be more aware of vibes you are putting out and adjust accordingly.  And, you'll recognize b/s when you see/hear it and not ignore those red flags.

As far as having launched up and out of the affair on hate and anger...now you've reached indifference.  You don't care about him one way or the other.  I figure that's better than still harboring feelings and better than wishing him ill.  It's the place we all want to be.

Yes, the world can be a scary place now...forging new relationships can be a scary prospect, especially after we've put ourselves through the wringer, but I think you are now armed with new-found knowledge...so you'll be cautious and more protective of yourself.  That's a real good thing.

You may not be always be on the money, but you'll keep calibrating until you get it down pat.  And we can't always be sure that a seasoned player won't slip under a radar, but we'll at least become aware of it sooner.  That's why taking any new relationship slow is so important.  People always put their best foot forward, but over time as a relationship unfolds, their true self begins to reveal itself.

Did that help?

Clarity

 

 


Avatar for ratherbeme
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Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 8:07am

It's about learning to do the same things all over again, and doing it with better boundaries because you have better knowledge.

Think about how many men there are in your life.  Hundreds of them, friends husbands, men you work with, men you do business with, etc. and not once have you had the desire to be close emotionally with them, or anything else other than a smile, nod, and a 'good-morning'.

Your A was a two way street.  You sending signals, him sending signals and a meeting of the minds.  Why?  Why did you think it was OK?  What was missing from your life that made you think this was worth it. That it was something you SHOULD do? You do know that there isn't a person that is close to you, that you trust, that would have told you that you should do this.

Being honest with yourself is a start.  Really looking at the reasons why you did it, not him, are the answer.  You made a conscious decision to make that first move, knowing ahead of time what you wanted to happen and he picked up on it and you were on the road to Affair-land.

It's all inside of you.  You could have shut this down the first second it was getting started.  Getting it out and understanding it may be the hardest part.  Are we honest with ourselves?  I think not.  We constantly try to make it into something it isn't.  Trying to turn it into a fantasy.  Never will be.   Look around you, you see it everyday.

People who come here and say they want to end it, but can't.  Really???  Can't???  There is some super-power that has taken control of our minds??? 

I have had as a hard, and as long a journey as anyone here, and I know it's all my fault that I didn't end it the second that first phone call happened.  Ego stoking at it's best.  My boundaries suddenly fell apart?  Who's kidding who?  I was looking.  I was open.  It just clicked.  It wasn't fate.  It wasn't destiny.  It was premeditated.

Now???  OK, now I feel somewhat different. How much different?  It's my story, my life and when the last second comes, I will have to own it all.  Do it again?  Sure it's possible.  Ask any long time person here, and many others who have been down that road about the "close" second A.  It's there because we haven't finished the unfinished business that we have rolling around in our minds. We are searching.  Many of us can't even tell you what it is we are searching for. What the unfinished and unfulfilled needs are??? 

So now it becomes 'awareness'.  We are aware that something is missing but how hard are we looking to find out what it is.  Self destruction.

It's all about you.  It's inside you.  Do you want to change the things in your life that are causing this.  It's scary to think that maybe ending a marriage might be the answer.  It's scary to think that giving up our families might be the answer. 

It's really inside you.  The answers are there.  They are in all of us. 

Are we looking hard enough?

I think time gives us another viewpoint and helps us with accepting what we have, where we are going, and what will happen.  The more time we put in, the better investment in ourselves we make.  Give time, time.

Rather.....

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for worthmore
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Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 2:04pm
Clarity, everything you have ever said to me has always helped.

I have become unfortunately sharp with men who try to be overly familiar or who make me emotional uncomfortable. Fortunately, it doesn't happen often. And I feel a bit bad about it because they can't all have an A agenda. I'm just not willing to take the risk. I've taken the route of pre-emptive strike instead of waiting until I'm in the middle of something I'm enjoying. (I hate to admit that last part.)

But I will say indifference, if that's what this is (I guess time will tell if it lasts or if it's just a temporary delusion), is weirdly comfortable. I don't think I've ever been indifferent about anyone who's been close to me, physically or emotionally, in my life. It's probably good to declutter.
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Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 2:45pm
Thanks, Rather. If I've learned anything here, it's certainly that there's no rushing the process and the process is different for everyone.

I believe I have a good handle on the whys of my A. I have a great H and a non-existent sex life. It's been this way for years. No amount of talking or silence or counseling has changed that. Five years ago, I met xap and was presented with an opportunity that I thought would solve my problem completely: keep the good of my marriage, get my sex elsewhere. Unfortunately, when I jumped into those waters, I discovered they were more treacherous than they seemed on the surface. Turns out, I can't have a sex-only relationship. The emotions came even though I didn't want them. Who knew?

While I'm not glad I had the affair, it has certainly taught me some things. Those early weeks are the hardest. It's horrible. And as bad as things were in the A and as badly as I knew I was being treated and disrespected, I could have gone back after I'd cooled off. But thanks to the EASels, I'm here instead of there. It's also taught me that it gives the wrong vibe to be flirty. I like to do it. Can't do it any more

But right now, beyond that, I don't know what I don't know. I think my journey is going to be one of discovery. On the plus side, I'm a fundamentally happy person. I think my journey is going to be one of ever increasing happiness because the A certainly didn't make me happy.
Avatar for ratherbeme
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Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 5:14pm

Right now I think it's 'acceptance'.  It ain't perfect, but you got a grasp on it, and working on making it better.  Thats what I hear from you.  

If you are a happy person, you are finding joy.  Nothing at all wrong with that.  I'm happy for you.

Keep up the good work!

Rather..... 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 1:24pm

Hi Worthmore,

(And I love your name!)  I appreciated your post.  I too am feeling better that I realized that I allowed myself to be treated poorly.  I believe that XAP "had me pegged" and went in for the kill and, as Dee said sometime ago, he "threw his shizzz up against the wall to see where it would stick"...and it stuck with me.  Why?  I am doing the work with my T to try to find the answer to this question.

But I wanted to reply because I relate to what you said about walking fast and far away being fueled by hate and anger.  That is where I am today.  I am almost two months NC.  And I am p-o'd.  And I have all these random "memories" or moments of recalling a certain incident or something that he said or did and I am now seeing all that in a completely different light than when I was in the fog.  And it is MAKING ME MAD.

But, as I said, it is keeping me away from him.  He has fished three or four times in the last two months.  But I am too mad to even THINK about replying. 

Maybe I'm exactly where I should be in this journey right now.

I am choosing to trust the process.  But I do know it wasn't ALL his fault.....

So here's to Sunrise being angry for the time being:smileymad:

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Registered: 10-20-2012
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 3:57pm
Hi, Sunrise.

I'm sure I'm a bit premature on the sustainability of my acceptance. We'll see what happens. (Had a bit of a shock a moment ago when I began typing in a coworkers name in the To field of my email software at work and auto complete filled in xap's name. I haven't typed his name on my computer at all this year and sometimes the auto complete feature doesn't work at all. It often fails to complete H's name and email address, which I type several times daily. Anyway, it just rocketed me back to anger (only at myself this time) because I realized I did something that I can't ever fix 100%. I did this thing and I have no control over where and how hard it bites me. So, what I should have done right now is just right clicked and deleted his stupid name and email address. What I did instead was backspace over what I had typed. Now, to delete his email and this awful reminder, I have to retype those letters and make his name reappear! I desperately do not want to do that. I haven't typed his name in five and a half months. What if it triggers something bad in me? What if I'm just kidding myself about having left it all behind me? What if I can't resist and I email him?

Oh what I wouldn't give for the peace of yesterday.

Here's my plan. I will studiously avoid typing his name or any sequence of letters in his name just to be safe. I sent my colleague the email and should only have to hit reply if more communication is required. I'm going to wait until I don't feel so rattled before I go in to delete his name from auto complete. I hope that takes care of it.

Usually I'm an advocate for not hanging onto anger. I'm more of a let go and let's get going kind of person. And I think it's fair to say the only people I've ever hated before are xap and one xap wannabe. In both cases I realized they were using me to make themselves feel better/bigger with not a care at all for what that did to me.

I too am trusting this process because, really, my way wasn't working for me at all. And without this process, I would never have known I was even in a fog. And I like being clear-headed. It has made it much easier to see who adds to my life and who takes away. Glad to say I have much more of the former than the latter and I'm doing a lot of housecleaning to get rid of the unworthy.

The only thing I caution is to not let anger rob you of happiness. We owe it to ourselves to experience some joy, whether it's in big things or little things. I have rocked the office on a few occasions this past week with laughter that threatened to bring down the roof. It felt good. I refuse to let it all be about hate and anger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 8:55pm

lol...We weren't lyin' about the ending being an emotional rollercoaster.  But at least indiffence showed up for a while :smileyhappy:

Okay...so now, you're angry.  Apparently you still have stuff to work through and making a list of why you are angry is a good start to sorting your stuff out.  I'm willing to bet you will see most of it is misplaced because you'll be reminding yourself that you taught him how to treat you....and he was mirroring you...playing follower the leader. 

I think your plan is good.  Don't go near his name 'til you feel more stable.  And what would you shoot off in an email anyway. If you are angry, it'll be your mouth...and we never want them to see us any other way but cool, calm and collected :smileywink:

((hugs))

Clarity