I don't know if I can do it!!!!!
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I don't know if I can do it!!!!!
| Thu, 07-01-2010 - 4:54pm |
So I haven't been on here for quite a while because like several others, I have fallen off the band-wagon. I honestly don't know how you can be strong enough to not to, when somebody will NOT let you go!!
I am a compassionte person by nature. When XAP contacts me with flirty e-mails, texts, I have absolutely no prob NC. Just shows me his true colors. But when he contacts me the other day with a real genuine problem he is having, my heart bleeds for him, and I ruin

Hello FL,
I am sorry that you are going through the pain of breaking NC and realizing that they are still only wanting what they want, and here you are spinning in the muck of it all. I am not sure were it is you are coming from - your message is full of mixed messages, so I can only imagine how confused your (x)AP is. I hope you can accept this message for what is it - some tough love aimed at encouraging you to reflect on some distorted thinking going on. Here goes.
***
BEFORE:
"What is bizzare is that I am more upset over the fact JAM has accepted it so well than I am at the actual no contact! (kind of) How messed up is that? The last contact we had was a text and as usual he was whining about HIS problems, I gave him some kind words of encouragement and he never offered a thanks or anything. Later that day I was retarded & texted that I hoped his day had gotten better- NO RESPONSE."
TODAY:
"I am a compassionte person by nature. When XAP contacts me with flirty e-mails, texts, I have absolutely no prob NC. Just shows me his true colors. But when he contacts me the other day with a real genuine problem he is having, my heart bleeds for him, and I ruin weeks of NC to help him."
How was all this contact getting through to you? This is NOT NC. You are still feeding your addiction through the validation you were getting by getting his emails. This way you can say to yourself, he still care for me.
To refresh your memory from an older post:
"Well I am 43 with a doting husband, life in suburbia, and three children at home, and am horrified at how I behaved for three months!"
BUT today you post this:
"My main prob is I compare him to my H in EVERY way. He's much better looking, has a very important job, and has all the personality my H lacks!!"
Really? - your xAP sounds like a typical user and all the looks and prestige in the world can't change a Loser.
BEFORE:
"My goodness! It was like all logic and reason just flew out the window, and I was in this parallel universe in which I couldn't control my thoughts or emotions, then eventually my actions!"
TODAY:
"I risked my own M to help him. Last week my H found out alot-not everything-but enough to know something happened. I promised I had no intention of ever talking to XAP. And I meant it! I have just been SO depressed and lonely thinking about him, and it's almost like he KNEW I was at my weakest, so he contacts me."
Seems like your logic is still flying out the window?! Or rather, you are choosing to disregard what you KNOW to be true, that contact with him is NO GOOD. You are making choices to continue to hurt yourself. I wish for you that you would stop.
BEFORE:
"Comparitavily I was also feeling bored, and maybe feeling the mid-life slump and insecurity. In hind-sight now that this horrible A has happened, I am twice as insecure!"
TODAY:
"I know. I am weak and pathetic. I am a mess. And I wonder if I can ever go back to the person I was BEFORE this holy mess started....I used to love life, be the life of the party, just HAPPY...now I'm a shadow of my former self..."
That's what sucks - breaking NC brings us down ever lower. Gosh FL, I have been there. My xAP would turn up his emotional drama when he couldn't get a response from me. It was awful - and awfully hard to keep him shut out. But like you, he was NEVER ever able to be there for me when I had really difficult issues going on. Preserving his home life WAS more important than me or mine. He wasn't even around to help me pick up the emotional pieces after my H left because of the A. 'We' even agreed not to tell mutual friends who may have been a support to me, because 'we' had decided not to tell his W so that she wouldn't suspect us being together. These friends might leak it to her. wtf? Some friend.
LASTLY FROM TODAY:
"AND how do you stay strong when you are contacted by somebody who really DOES need you as a friend? I just CANNOT get past that part- abandoning someone in need!!"
He does it to you, doesn't he, abandon you in times of need? Friendship can't be one sided. How about sending him the number for a crisis line with the message - we are not friends; call someone who can assist - here is a crisis line number!
Okay - so seriously, tell me how he is a friend?
***
"Thoughts and prayers for you as you, like me, struggle to regain your sense of self worth, dignity, and beauty that can only come thru self validation- not a MAN!!!!"
"I'll just be so glad to get my life back on track & focus on my family!!!!"
***
So, feelinlousy - how badly do you want it? You know, a better life for you, that life with dignity and self-assurance? I don't see an xAP who won't let go, I read here your own reluctance and uncertainty.
You know the answer to how you can earn a better life. There is no easy way through this, NC makes it possible, but you really have to be willing to dig deep and do the work.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
There's no way I can top what TU has said... digging up your old posts to show you that you do have the resolve within you to do this. You are simply choosing not to. It is a choice honey. So you are a people pleaser... please your husband. Please the ones who are there for you, not some dog who comes and goes in your life only when he needs something. You know what you have to do and you are strong enough to do it. It is hard, but in reality is it very simple- you simply STOP. It's as difficult and as easy as that.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
FL,
What TU did for you was what a friend does for a friend. Selfless and loving. It's a lot of work to comb through old posts, yet she took the time to help you. ALERT: this is friendship behavior, take note. Xap is NOT a friend.
And what Jane said about it being a 'choice'. yes, ma'am. It's always a choice. You say you don't know if you can do this; please tell me what are your choices? Go back to X? Yah, no. Stay stuck in the mud where you are now? Doesn't seem all that appealing, not even compared to the hard work it's going to take to get out of your funk.
Please change the tone of your inner voice and practice positive affirmations. You CAN do this. You WILL do this. You are strong enough, committed enough, and wise enough. Got it?
Keep on keeping on!
Dee
FL,
First of all, big hugs. you are clearly feeling very tormented right now and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. Second, you should know that we all can relate to the challenges of maintaining NC. I can personally relate to the feeling that xAP "needs your friendship" or your advice or your support, and that he keeps contacting you. My xAP does that as well, and I've broken NC to respond, and its been a totally pointless waste of time.
you are not weak and pathetic. beating yourself up is not going to help you here. you need to believe in yourself and your ability to get through this. you also may not return to being the person you used to be, because a lot has happened, but you CAN grow from this experience. and you absolutely must learn to forgive yourself, because otherwise you will stagnate in this position forever. it is all easier said than done, and it is a process.
a quick word about friendship: the others are right. nobody wants to be friends after an A ends. the one who got jilted is willing to settle for friendship so they dont have to let go, and the one who did the jilting is ok with friendship because it makes them feel less guilty. IMHO, that's really what it boils down to.
Your xAP is a grown ass man, and it's his responsibility to manage his own feelings. you need to focus all of that compassionate energy on yourself, so you can heal. he will be fine, trust me. you deserve to heal yourself.
goodluck, keep posting. its helped me a lot to have this community and im sure it will help you too.