I don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
I don't know what to do!
6
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 11:26pm
I have been involved with my AP for a year and a half now. He is older than I am, and has been married for over 30 years. This may sound terrible, but we had a great relationship when we were both married. He is loving and caring and one of the sweetest men i know. But my husband passed away, and now, I am single and he is still married. I know he has no intentions of ever leaving his wife, which is not a problem for me. The problem is this: i am 20 years younger than he is, and I am starting to become interested in other men. It was hard after my husband passed away, but now I am starting to get out with friends, and I am finding myself attracted to other men. The problem is, my AP tells me that if anyone asks me out (which has happened) i should tell them that i am seeing someone. The someone being him. Yes, i love him. And i know he is absolutely and totally in love with me. But I can't see spending the rest of my life being a mistress to a man who has no intention of ever leaving his marriage, who i can't see on weekends, who i can't take to events or even really go out with. Am i wrong to feel this way? I feel like i should tell him it is over, but he is so sweet and kind. I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:14am

Hi Sharilady :)


Newbie or out of lurking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:14am

Welcome to EAS.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:34am

You are absolutely NOT wrong for feeling this way. I'm sure he is a nice man in many ways, but ask yourself how nice is it for him to not only want but expect you to sit around alone all the time? That isn't nice to me, that's self-centered. He can't expect you to spend the rest of your life waiting around for him. Personally, I don't think it's nice, either, to cheat. It involves lying and sneaking and betraying....none of which are attributes that describe nice behavior. Not judging..been there done that, too. Unfortunately.

I think you know the answer to this. You're ready to move on to another chapter in your life. He's still in the same one. Choose life. Don't feel bad about it. Or guilty. He's married, and obviously to some degree content with it or he would have left. He's a big boy, and he'll be fine. So will you. Better than fine. You'll be just great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 2:00am
wow. thank you all for your words. I'm a "newbie" here, and so appreciate the words of wisdom. I do agree with all you are saying, just don't know how to end it. I am checking out the links i was sent, and with your encouragement, i hope i can do what needs to be done. Thanks for your support - it's scary, isn't it??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 8:26am

I do agree with all you are saying, just don't know how to end it.


Tell this sweet, kind, cheating man that you would like to meet his kids, his mother and his sisters and/or brothers. Tell him you want the ppl he loves to know that you exist and that he is so "in love" with you. See how fast he runs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 9:32am

Dearest Shari-
First of all, my deepest condolences for the loss of your husband. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. I am glad to hear that you are feeling like you can start a new chapter of your life with an available partner who deserves you - you seem like a very loving and sweet woman and I hope that you will find a man who is equally kind.

I won't try to convince you that AP is not all that you crack him up to be; that would be rather futile considering your current state of mind. Let's just, for the sake of discussion, say that AP is wonderful and that you and he love each other deeply -- the sad fact remains that this man and this relationship will continue to provide you MUCH less than you deserve out of life. You already know this, even if you're still in your Affair Fog. A huge step in the right direction. You already know that NOW is your time to begin building a healthy, fulfilling life for yourself and that AP cannot be a part of that. I am sure that you are scared of the unknown, the future, your ability to navigate it without the support that you have from AP - especially since he was there to get you through the loss of your DH. I can totally understand that fear and dependency. It must be so difficult for you. AP is a crutch (albeit a broken one.) Garnering the strength and courage to move on will be difficult, but take heart; you have survived one of the most difficult challenges life has to deal... the death of your H... and so you already know that you are a resilient and brave woman. You can do this!

There is no need for you to alter your opinions of AP as a "good guy", not right now... that will come, if it comes, in time. Right now all you have to do is take care of YOUR needs and focus on yourself. You deserve this. You have a right to it. Share this with AP and ask him, no - TELL HIM - that you are leaving the R completely. If he's a 'good guy', he'll let you go without making it even more difficult on you than it already is. If he's not a good guy, then you've not really lost as much as you think you're losing - which might be a blessing since you'd be forced to see him for what he really is and that would get you out of the fantasy thinking mode that holds you back from moving on completely.

I, too, thought AP was a decent, loving and supportive friend. I still bear no ill will or animosity towards him, and I am 7 months out of my A. So, I know where you are now and can empathize completely. Still, this A of yours has to end and this is how you do it:

I suggest a phone call instead of meeting in person. Meeting in person will make the ending much more difficult, trust me on that. You might think he 'deserves' an in-person goodbye, but that is not the case at all. This HAS to be about YOU - always keep your needs and the goal of an ending on the fore. His needs are not relevant. It's the opposite of your current way right now, so it will feel very foreign - you have to trust the counsel of the ladies here and follow what they say, even if it feels uncomfortable. I would suggest an email ending is even better, but knowing the nature of your relationship to him, I feel that that one-way communication would leave you even more vulnerable to back sliding because you'd be wondering too much about his response and overly stressed about the ever-elusive "closure" we new-enders are always chasing.

Ok, the call -- Pick a time when you are usually the most alert and strong. Don't do it in a fit of emotion and don't have a glass of wine before you make the call. Have a script or bullet point list in front of you. Keep the conversation strictly to the script and keep it short. Don't wax on romantically or melancholy bittersweet about the past or how much you'll miss him... yadda, yadda, yadda.... just, straight to the point. Be sure you have a solid exit line and the strength to hang up with conviction. You must tell AP that there will be no more contact. NC. That means that you will not available to receive any emails, phone calls from him and that he will not be getting any from you. You will have then laid out the clear expectations for both of you. It's paramount that you both understand that there will be none of this "we'll be friends" nonsense. You will not make plans to 'check in' down the road. You will not make any promises or plans for the future, should he leave his wife, etc. Don't even entertain that conversation should he start to make promises or trying to negotiate.

Before the call: Educate yourself about Endings. Understand what NC means and how to accomplish it successfully. Understand the fallacy and pitfalls of "being friends". Prepare yourself for the rollercoaster of emotions that await you and have a plan in place to cope with them. You will need a support network - therapy is always recommended. Coming here to read and post has saved lives, so stay with us and let this board help you through it. Maybe you'd like to let us review your Endings Script before the call? And I'm sure you've got a bunch of "yeah, BUT..." questions, too. Don't try to handle those questions on your own; come here and post them - you're not going to be slammed or chastised for not getting all the ins and outs of ending. Come here to post the peptalk you need to give yourself and get the "you go, Girl!!" cheerleading that will bolster your resolve to do the right thing. Think of this Ending as a battle for your life, because that is exactly what it is.

Ok, Shari... what is your next step? Let's see your battle plan.

God bless you and give you peace and strength today,
Lt. Dee