I dont know what to do..any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
I dont know what to do..any ideas?
2
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 7:38pm

I am new here. I am M for 13 years. Unhappy and have met someone online here about 7 months ago. He too is MM and is unhappy, we both have kids..oldest is 11. We started chatting here comparing our situation. We both have had one other affair a few months before we got involved with each other. Both of them were not serious and we played by the rules "not let your heart get involved and let it get serious". But thoses rules didnt work for us. Things got serious. We had started by chatting online,for a few weeks and we finally talked on the phone.

We both have flexible schedules and I travel on day trips so many times my evenings are busy entertaining clients ( I am in Sales.) He had business trips and overnights with his job, So it was easy to meet for drinks and dinner one night. When we finally did, wow we hit it off immediately. We talked about our marriages, some days he was ready to leave wife, he was so lonely. I told him from the beginning, that I was not looking for anything serious, and that i felt I was missing something. Being appreciated, respected and being desirable. (a few man have told me, which makes me sick to think that some men feel this way, that once a husband goes through the process of having a baby with his wife, he looks at his wife a different way, and not the same way he did before she bore his children)

This OM is a wonderful guy that married his girlfriend (they dated off and on for a year) that she purposely got pregnant(he suspects, though she denies it). He thought he was in love with her, but as they continued to have more kids (total of 3) He realized that all she wanted him for was to have kids and be a MOM. They sleep in separate rooms and have "functional marriage" for the kids. They never go out on dates or do anything as a couple and have no desire too. They have been married 10 years. He loves her as the mother of his kids, but that is it.

Then there is me. I have been married for 13 years. I feel in love with my husband. Dated 3 years before we got married, after college and we had children (2 of them) 2 years after we got married. Things were ok for the first 7 years, but then he started showing his bad temper (he has never hit me or the kids, just yells alot)he is very controlling and is a perfectionist. But I still love him and dont want to divorce him, because he does have some great qualities, as well.

This OM made me feel this way, sex was incredible. He was tender, giving, fun all the things me H was not. I felt alive again. We both get the attention and love that we dont get from home. Things for the first 5 months, or so went great. ( He lived 1 hour from me) so we saw each other once a week, if we could work it into our schedule. He travels alot so he had free hotel stays. We went to Boston, Florida, for a few days. I would join him on a business trip or he would do the same. After about 4 months we realized we were in love with each other. We talked about the logistics of if we left our spouses. He knew that my H, and I still had sex, occasionally and it bothered him. I told him if I cut him off, now he would be suspicious and I had to keep things as normal, as possible.

Well up until 4 weeks ago when he was gone overseas for a long business trip (3 weeks) that I couldnt join him, things were good between us. That is when things changed. He had alot of time on his hands to think things over. He was trying to uncomplicate his already complicated and hectic schedule ( and fitting me in he was finding hard to do) with all the demands of his new promotion, the family life and his hobbies.) We saw each other maybe every 2 weeks. We sometimes just met for lunch to just see each other, to talk.

But finally last weekend, when we spent a thur-sat together business trip together, on the last day, he said he couldnt do this anymore. He said it was too difficult to be with me and "not have me". And the hurt was more than he could bear. He said some days it bothers him and some days, it doesnt. But for the last few weeks, it has. He doesnt see me leaving my H, and then having an extended family. He was trying to do some soul searching, what he wants in life and if he is going to leave his wife. Then thinking what it will be like to be single, he said he would have a hard time seeing a MW, like I would still be, if that does happen. He doesnt want to get married again, I dont either, and doesnt want to live together. He wants to have some freedom, but is afraid of being alone. He is confused.

After our lastest trip, he kissed me goodbye and told me to call him tomorrow, like we always do, this was Saturday. So i called him, the next day. Because we usually talk everyday, and it is now Tuesday and he has not returned any of my calls. He left so many things up in the air, I want to close them, so if he really wants to end this relationship, I can feel that I gave it my best shot and it was on as good as terms as it can be.

I just dont know how what to say and how to get him to call me back. It is so hard to just end things without really saying goodbye and feeling like everything was said.

Confused and sad and not sure what to do.

Please help!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:17pm

K

Closure in an affair is truely a rare thing and you may have to be prepared to accept you may never get it.

Perhaps you need to refocus your attention back onto yourself and your husband and deal with the issues that got you were your are today, affairs more often then not are not really about the spouse/marriage as they are about how I feel about "ME". This is your second one and unless you want to find your self being labeled a serial cheater by your husband one day in the future you need to in my opinion address the reasons you have twice choose an affair over better solutions to the problems in your life.

Now as to this XMM you own know what he choose to tell you and you don't know how much of that was the truth, he told you that you were his second affair sorry but you don't know if that is true what he did to you he may have done to 10 other married women before you and will do to 20 other married women after you....it sounds a lot like you got played by a player who has done this before and has a well rehearsed sob story.

Sorry if this offends but I have heard a lot of stories and my be a touch jaded by it all.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:39pm
Thank you... I appreciate your honesty...