I don't know what my deal is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
I don't know what my deal is....
15
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 1:31pm
I've thought that this ema has made me crazy and now I'm pretty sure that it has!! It has been 24 hours since I've heard anything from OM. I'm obsessed when I hear from him, I'm not happy when I don't hear from him. Why am I letting someone control my life like this? Why cant I just get over it and move past this? I will be the first to admit that I'm absolutely ridiculous. It is so funny that this man knows just how to play me. He knows that if he gives me an inch I'm going to give him a mile. You would think it would be the opposite because I'm married and he's not, but he is definetely in the driver's seat as far as my emotions are concerned. Oh if life were a constant vacation I may have a chance....

I know I'm being pathetic but it helps to write and get this out of my head for a while!!!

Hope you guys are being strong and having a good week so far!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 1:46pm
Hi Karry-

Although my situation has changed and I am moving forward with Divorce from my husband I know exactly what you are feeling. WHY are you letting him control you -becuase he is a drug-your fix-your high-your ESCAPE. What will make you stop - facing reality that its not REAL. you dont not love him you love how he makes you FEEL. no contact for a long period of time or rather another approach - try and reach the goal of 28 days as that is the length of time it takes to break a habit. Go to a therapist and stress you are ending an affiar and ask for tips on how difficult it is for you during this time to stick with you decision and tips on what you should do to help you through your craving times. I thoroughly feel that especially for a married person that we need to view ending an affair as almost a 12 step program! At first its all about getting through that withdrawl from the feelings we got. Then its about acceptance that its over and then going introspect and starting the battle to look within and your life and changing things to complete yourself without having to have another person to give you something to make you happy. Its a tough road. One that I am still on but MAN when you start seeing that light and take those steps towards recovery you will look back and realize how much you are wasting your time and engery on something so wrong. and I stress wasting you time! Ask yourself - what do you deserve, then make the choice to change and make it happen!! It REALLY is that easy- trust me (and I "aint" no Superwoman (wink))

Hugs -

Racy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:06pm
Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:07pm
I remember THOSE days....... and what worked for me..... well, ONCE I convinced my brain that it WAS for my own well being was to become incredibly busy... I now do have an immaculate house with clean, organized closets and a lot of homeless people are enjoying my old clothes! LOL

A couple other things helped me along the way... one, posting here but working hard on setting computer time limits... and two, playing mind games (with myself) and instituting a reward system of doing something nice for myself after each goal was met! In the beginning, the goal was not to allow myself think about him for 8 hours... then the day... 2 days... a week!

It's been almost 3 months for me and I honestly have very rare occasions that I think about him! During this time, I've become spiritually stronger, developed new interests and actually HAVE time to do things with my friends... I never thought I would be here but gosh does it feel awesome!

Karry, good luck to you and STAY STRONG! That rainbow looks so beautiful from this *other* side... and living an honest and honorable lifestyle certainly is having a positive outlook on me... and it will on you too!

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 3:29pm
Karry... sigh... hugs... All I can say is BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Can't cope with contact, go nuts with NC... Of course in my case, if I give him an inch HE takes a mile... but I suppose that works both ways actually...

Hang in there... Write as much as you want if it helps!

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 5:24pm
Hey Karry..please don't call yourself pathetic..you're just having a weak moment & we've all BTDT. Hang in there & stay strong.

Cin

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 10:16am
Karry - okay. First let me say I agree with the other ladies here. I'm going to give you what I used that truly helped me. I will say that this decision comes with each of us in our own time. But if you keep in mind that the sooner you make the decision, the sooner you'll really feel better, it is easier to come to terms with it.

1) You have to be TRULY WILLING to let the contact go. Honestly, I don't know what it will take for you but for me, it was feeling disappointed one too many times. This doesn't mean it is forever, but it has got to be for a consistant enough time period where you truly begin to see how much better you really feel with him not in your life. Getting to that place is the trick. You need to think about your current habits that keep you involved with him and in contact and make the appropriate changes to stop it.

2) Regognize BEFORE you attempt it that you are going to go through periods of time that are so difficult - YOU NEED TO READ THE PARTS OF THE BOOK RACY SUGGESTED THAT ARE AVAILABLE ONLINE - I GOT TO P. 19 AND HAD TO STOP BECAUSE I NEED TO GET TO WORK. BUT I DO INTEND TO GO BACK AND FINISH READING IT. Your withdrawl from this man can be physical and emotional. For me as I was going through it, it helped to understand that I wasn't letting go of the love, just the man. I took the same love I had for him and poured it into myself.

3) While you are going through this, you have to learn to surround yourself with things and people who will help you to remain positive. It really doesn't matter what you are doing or with whom as long as your attitude stays in the right place, knowing that by working through this, you will feel better.

4) Stay away from this man for a VERY significant amount of time. From my experience here, I would say that the average amount of no contact that is necessary to really allow yourself to see and accept the truth in the affair is between 3 and 6 months. Once you take the step and make the commitment of no contact, life does get consistantly easier AS LONG AS YOU DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO GIVE IN TO THE WITHDRAWL YOU GO THROUGH. Realize this is about YOU and not the OM and that you have to give yourself enough time to really be okay without him. Unfortunately, that does take time.

5) Given enough time away, you will not only see but begin to accept that the man you have given your heart to is not the man you WANTED him to be, and you will see who he really is. Trust me, it makes it easier to STAY AWAY.

6) Finally and I hope this answers a lot of questions about friendship...as long as your heart is involved in a romantically loving way, you cannot be just a friend. There is a lot of debate on this subject. I do believe in friendship once the A is TRULY over which means you have both accepted that it is over and you will not ever go back. Otherwise, with hope, the chances of slipping down that slippery slope and needing to begin the healing process all over again HAPPENS.

Please for your sake, have the willingness to let him go. This is about you taking care of you and thinking about your own self esteem and integrity. This is about you changing your life for the better no matter what happens in the process. This is about you finding a completeness in YOURSELF and not having the need any longer to look for it by involving yourself with someone else. It is about finding and living a healthy life for yourself and then having someone (rebuilding your M?) in it eventually that will enhance your life.

Sending hugs your way.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 11:18am
GT:

Once again you are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for your wise words. Today I'm thinking a little clearer. One day I will begin to make the changes in my life that I know need to be made. I'm pretty smart and in my mind I know what it is I need to do but for the moment I'm lacking the courage but I know it will come in time. But I am sincerely starting to get over the illusion that OM was meant to be for me, that I'm passing up some fabulous opportunity by letting him go. I am drawn to him in such a superficial way, there is so much more to life than the money, physical attraction and good sex. I am eventually going to learn to get over him and maybe even get over my failing marriage.

Thanks for everything,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 12:35pm
Karry - this isn't really about letting go of the OM as much as it is being willing to face your marriage and actively do something with it. When you use words such as "one day," it concerns me a lot. You have to deal with today or you are going to let yourself live for possibly years in limbo.

It is not fair to you or of you to continue with this OM in anyway. So as long as you do, you are accepting defeat. You don't understand how bad the contact is because I don't believe you've ever lived without it for any real length of time.

I will be praying for you to make this decision...and truly deal with your M.

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 3:39pm
Gt:

I agree with you. I have things I really need to take care of in my life but fear is a powerful thing and it can literally paralyze a person and that is where I am at right now. It is not fair to be in any kind of relationship when one of the parties is a married person, but life is not fair. I have made a bad decision and am dealing with the consequences on a daily basis. I mentally punish myself for the feelings I have, the ones I don't have and the ones I should have. I feel like a lost soul in some ways and worry that I will wind up looking back on years of my life with regret. Thank you for your candid posts GT. They always manage to open my eyes and my mind!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 4:07pm
FEAR I know that one all to well too. It kept me stuck in my marriage for 4 years when it was dead. FEAR of change, FEAR of being alone, FEAR of making a mistake, FEAR of being judged, FEAR of hurting my kids, FEAR of losing OM to a REAL relationship. SO MUCH FEAR!! GOD I know it all too well - once again its all a matter of choice and making the decison to sort out who you are, what you want, what is BEST for YOU. LET GO of fear- live your life and stop hurting YOURSELF because only YOU can make YOUR life better. Figure it our dear girl - what is the best thing for you-what do you want and how are you going to get there???

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