I don't kow if I can do this.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I don't kow if I can do this.....
24
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:03am
How do you try and make a marriage work with a man your not sure you are in love with? H is a good guy but I've never had romantic feelings about him. How do I tell MM that we need to end it so I can be a normal person again. A good wife, a good mom. MM made it so hard for me to be with H. But the guilt of breaking up my family is SO overwhelming. I love my son so much that I would stay with H if I knew it would be better for him. We don't fight. I just don't love him. I need help in the worst way. I don't know whats worse. The thought of leaving or the thought of staying. This really doesn't have to do with leaving H to be with MM. It has to do with "doing the right thing". Do I make it work for my son? Can I survive my marriage? Any help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:02pm
B, Thank yu so much. I can't even explain what the words of wisdom do for me. Especially from someone who knows my pain. The question I ponder is "Do I want to return to the bad marriage that I alraedy had?" Will my marriage get better? My marriage was bad before I had an affair. That's why I had an affair.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:17pm
Secret:

My marriage was pretty bad when I got into my A too. My H is a wonderful guy -- very nice, good looking, funny and EVERYONE loves him. Everyone. I joke that my parents love him more than they love me but it's really not so much of a joke...But for at least 4-5 years, we had lost the connection -- no communication and even worse, I had lost respect for him and resented him. I didn't realize how angry I was at him until therapy. I felt he had always taken the easy route rather than working for what he wanted -- I am very goal-oriented and he was very complacent doing a job he hated. His self-esteem was in the toilet because he hated his job and I guess he knew that I resented him. I think we were pretty snippy with one another -- I realize that now because now we laugh and joke and don't take everything personally that the other one says. Before my A, my H and I had sex 2x a month -- and I made sure it was 2x so he couldnt say it was less.

But working on me -- and my marriage has moved things light years ahead of where I was. You can improve a bad marriage -- I promise.

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:17pm

From what I gathered in your initial post and subsequent posts in this string, you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:28pm
Chris, I guess you could say controlling. I never even knoew where he banked at for years. He handles everything financially. I had a few bills I paid myself. He kept his paycheck and I kept mine. If I was broke one week I put the groceries on my VISA. The problem was that he made 5x what I did. I was very resentful that he wanted me to live his lifestyle on my paycheck.

The same with my daughter. He does put a beautiful roof over head but everything else was my responsibility. If she needed something that I couldn't afford the money came from my family. My mom even loaned me (gave me) money for a bedroom suit for my daughter. But it was nothing for H to buy a very expensive set of furniture for our son. Same with presents for christmas and birthdays. he tells me to buy my daughter's gifts and he will buy our sons. Sounds fair but before son was born he never gave me a dime for the presents that I put his name on. I know it sounds so petty but it caused alot of resentment.

My daughter is involved in a sport that takes up tons of time. H never attends her functions. Maybe twice in 7 years. That's where I met MM. We were always the parents alone. We became good friends by spending so much time with our children. I admire what a devoted father MM is. He also loves my daughter and tells her all the time that he is proud of her.

Thanks again. I'm just feeling depressed today. I gather that I'm trying to justify my feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:12pm
Secretpal,

My heart breaks for you and your daughter after reading your posts. I am in no position to give marital advice, but when your husband married you your daughter came with the "deal" and if he can't treat your daughter with love than that is an absolute shame. I was actually the product of an an affair and luckily for me my mom met a wonderful single man who she married when I was 3 years old and he has raised me like his own child even after they had a son together. Even under the best circumstances it is not easy to feel as loved as the other child, so I can't imagine how your daughter feels. Please make sure she gets plenty of love from you, until you can figure out your marriage. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best of luck!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:24pm
Thanks Karry. I have always had a very close bond with my daughter. There were many times when we struggles through situation together. I hope I have made up for the lake of a father in her life. She's a great kid. H has come around a little after our son was born. Now he knows what I have felt all along. But truely I think our son is the only love in his life. He's a bit on the obsessive side.


I have to tell you a story. My sister met her H when her first son was about 9 months. They married and later had a baby together. Her second son but his first. We were gazing into the nursery at the hospital and a man looked at my brother in law and asked if it was his first baby. His gaze never left his son when he answered "No, I have a son at home". That son is almost 18 now and in all those years he has loved his boys the exact same. Now that's a dad! I even once saw him lick that little guys face clean from a chocolate ice cream cone because he didn't have a napkin. What Love!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:19pm
Your situation sounds a bit like my xOW's. And, I met my xOW when we were both about 34 or so.

If you are beautiful, it is because you really are, not because someone makes you feel that way. Or if not, not because someone doesn't make you feel that way... see the similarity?

The ability to be beautiful is yours. It is you.

Find ways to make yourself feel beautiful to yourself. If the OM stopped making you feel beautiful, would you still be? See what you're doing? You're giving the power to others.

Keep the power. Make it yours.

Good luck, hon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:38pm
Thanks RG. If one good thing came out of this relationship it is the way "I" feel about myself now. MM gave me the gift of loving myself. He taught me to believe in myself. He told me to always hold my head high.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:45pm
Well we certainly don't act like we love eachother, and no, I can't say that I do. I was in love with him when we got married, and I loved him for a long time after that, but he is a very difficult man to get along with and at times can be psychologically abusive. I guess I fell out of love with him...and I doubt he loves me. We almost divorced a few years ago, and believe me it was an ugly scene. I do'nt feel like going into details. It is what it is. My children are happy and healthy. We do not fight in front of them, in fact when we are all together we seem to have a good time. I think we conduct ourselves a hell of alot better then other couples we know that are supposedly still in love.....

May I suggest some marriage counseling before it is too late for you guys? If your husband won't go, then go by yourself. You need to do something, you sound the way I was a few years back, and it is a very lonely and sad place to be.

hugs

Jazzdiva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:48pm
Sounds like my H....My H is so uptight his butt squeaks when he walks.

Jazzdiva