I don't understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
I don't understand...
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 7:39am

I miss him so much. I don't want him to be with anyone else. I wanto him to miss me too, to realize that he made a mistake in giving me up. I keep repeating his last email to myself and every word is like a dagger in my heart. I never knew I could hurt this way. Everytime I feel the urge to email him I repeat that final email he sent me. When he told me he didn't want ME. How could I think of going back to someone who flat out said HE DIDNT WANT ME! But my heart is telling me something else that if I just wait and be patient he will recognize, then my brain kicks in asks what am I smoking? I hated the person I was with him, I knew he didn't want the real me. That he will never come back, he showed his true colors and he doesn't deserve me. Then I tell myself.. "The character of a person is how they treat you when they know you can't do anything for them". We both made mistakes,I am no better than he is but I would never hurt him the way he hurt me. I would never make him feel like less of a man. I am so stupid... Why do I still think I lI've him? Why do I just want to do nothing but lay in his arms? 

i want to blink and have this be 2014! Sorry for my rambling. I really need to get this out even thougthey thoughts make no sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 1:35pm


You are in a tough place.  Grieving this is important - the death of a dream, death of a fantasy, death of something you thought was more than it was.  All of us have been where you are in one form or another.  my xAP separated from his wife, asked for the divorce, publically made it known he was leaving her for me.  Our families knew, our kids knew, our (respective) spouses knew.  I thought it was different - I wanted it to be different.  And then, at the last minute - after everything I endured - he left me a VOICEMAIL telling me he was wrong - he couldn't leave them - he didn't want me.  i spent weeks going back and forth with him - he wanted us both, he hated me, he fished, he ignored....I ended it.

I'll tell you the same thing someone told me on this board.  You are lucky.  it doesn't feel like it - but for whatever reason, he was honest with himself in ONE moment where he broke things apart.  he isn't coming back - at least not in any honest sense.  It hurts like hell.  I struggled for a long time (I already had issues of being "good enough" in my life) with why....and you know what - it doesn't matter.  Let's step back and look at you for a minute.  To what end were you willing to go with it?  Would you have left your family and kids and endure everything?  Or did you just want crumbs too?  Either way - this was not a relationship built on trust and truth.  It was doomed before it began.

So now you have a choice.  You can play out the scenario- what if he does come back?  then what?  But better to play out the scenario of where to go from here?  Be sad - grieve, cry, you need those to heal.  At some point you will have to make a conscious decision to stop grieving and turn your focus either to yourself, or to your family or something else.  Letting go of old habits and waiting for those huge highs of the A will be the hardest thing you overcome.  Write often of your experience, feelings and make plans for a future for YOU!  Work out, walk, serve others - pick up old hobbies that help to feed your own emotional and ego needs.  It takes time (I know the most cliche thing we hear) but it does - time and commitment are EVERYTHING in ending.

You can do it.  You can do hard things.  You deserve more.  You are worth more.  Keep writing.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 12:33pm


Lots of why's in there.

I am usually the question man. Smile 

My first one is: Where is the anger?  Why are you NOT mad as nails that he rejected you? After all you loved him and he treats you this way? What is wrong with YOU? Thats where the problem lies. It's with you.

Claire expressed it well. "Having an affair is all about us...and our weaknesses."

She is very aware it is our problem. The problem is with us, not the AP. 

If you can't shake this, then you are really in need of professional help.  

We are good and can help with ways to end it, and keep it ended, but you also have to do the work.

If it means doing the hard stuff, then you have to do it. 

Finding someone who is qualified to help you and going through the work is your best bet.

I'm pulling for you.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 12:04pm

I'm sorry, Lap.  You are just going to have to accept that it is over...for whatever reason. If it helps any, think of it has him having rejected the 'affair'.  

Affairs are huge ego trips for most, and often times, it is our ego that just won't let go.  So what, this one guy doesn't want you.  You ARE married right?  I mean, what if he showed up at your door, "I'm all yours, baby."..then what?

Sometimes, when we try to end it and the one being let go won't let go, we have to resort to being cold and mean...maybe that's how it had to be for him.  I think most guys tend to believe that women will move on better with a cold, over-and-out ending vs. kind words...and they'd be right.

Please check this out...I think it may apply.  And please read that closure thread by Iddy in the Healing Library.

Quit Seeking A ‘ Rejection Retraction’ | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Time to start the hard work, Lap.  Time to focus your energy on your 'whys'...as in,

Why could I not remain true to my vows?  Why could I not address any perceived issues in my real life head on.  Why did I jeopardize my marriage?  Why did I put myself and my loved ones in harms way?  This are the HARD questions you must focus on now.  

We all have our strengths and weaknesses...all of us...xaffair partners included.  Having an affair is all about us...and our weaknesses.

Now is the time to work on those weaknesses and hone those strengths.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board