I ended it today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
I ended it today!
2
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 12:30am


Hello, I'm new here and I'm beside myself right now. I have had an affair with a MM for a little less than a year but it feels like I've known him all my life. I am in love with him and we have so much in common and I know that if we could, we would have been great together as a real couple if only....

He says he loves me but things haven't been right -- his whole approach to our relationship had changed and I know he was taking me for granted, having time with me only when it was convenient for him. It wasn't balanced, I was so far down his list, he struggled with the guilt, etc. I was married (very unhappily) when we met and so was he (he claims his marriage is great but I have my doubts). Now I am going through a divorce.

In the last month or two I think I have used my affair person like a crutch to get through my separation. Anyway, today I wrote him a long, honest, heartfelt email about how i love him and will miss him terribly but that I do deserve better and now that I am becoming single, I am worth the time and energy that a single man in my future some day may be able to give me. I don't think any other guy would stand a chance with him around because I'm in love with him and I would always compare.

But I am losing it. My heart is breaking so much. I have drawn such a thick line now and I can't take it back. I know I had good reasons to break it off and that's what I keep telling myself (like he's married it's not right and we couldn't keep it up forever anyway, and I need to be free to have a real and healthy relationship some day, and he took me for granted anyway) but then I vacillate and get all teary and panicky and wonder if I did the wrong thing -- what if he really is the one? I am having a hard time trusting my original motive to end it. Then i go back to realizing he would never leave his wife. Never. So what was in it for me? Nothing much. His communication to me recently had really dwindled and I wondered if he would be breaking it off soon with me. Our affair was whittled down to but measly texts, some emails and maybe a once a month meeting to have dinner and sex. I was in love but he would say (conveniently) that he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. I keep coming back to the fact that I finally did the right thing but it sure as hell hurts. So now it sort of feels like i am going through two divorces.

I brought this on myself I know. And I know I have to get through the pain but it is so tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 12:48am

Hi Julia,


You are a smart lady to know that xAP was a crutch and as long as he is around you would not be available to get involved in a healthy relationship.


You said he took you for granted and I’m sure you realized that you were just an ego boost for him and available to make a little excitement and adventure in his life. He is comfortable in his M and would not change the fact that he has the comfort and security of a wife at home and an OW (other woman) on the side available at his beck n call.


You are wise to not want to be a door mat any longer.


If your M was not working then you did the right thing by ending it. It is time to take a break from relationships especially tainted and dysfunctional ones and do some introspection and find out what you want in your life.


Welcome to EAS. Which I believe means Earning Abandon Self-Esteem. Affairs suck our self esteem and self-worth out of us. Time to get those back Julia.


Stay and read the posts especially in the Healing Library which is near the bottom of the main EAS page.


Again welcome and big hugs for ending the unhealthy A (affair),


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 6:53am

(((Julia))


Welcome to endings, honey, and know now that you are no longer alone in your pain. We all have or are traveling the road out of A-land and understand the rough terrain you will be experiencing, but ending your A was the right thing to do. My Xmm was never going to leave his wife either and I knew this early on, but that did not stop me from making a fool of myself for another 3 years. At least you had the smarts to see it for what it was, even though I know that doesn't make it any easier.


<>


Yes, you do deserve better but that better part has to be earned. You've taken the first step in acheiving this by ending the A. The next step is to grieve the demise of both of these relationships and then start working on yourself. I would suggest counseling as a means to help you get past these losses as well.


I hope you will take some time to read the threads here and especially visit the Healing Library located toward the bottom of the main page. There is a vast amount of information there that will help you get through the next several months, at least. It's important to understand that you will have to heal first before you can have a healthy relationship in the future with an available, single guy.


((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~