I ended it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
I ended it
29
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 3:35am

Hi Everyone,

I ended my 2 year long A with a co-worker. This is not the first or the second time, but I think I finally reached my breaking point and this is the last time.

Back ground: Married (10 years) 2 wonderful children. No real problems in my marriage to mention, a kind man who I deeply loved when we got married. No D-Day, so suspisions or accussions, I can even pride myself of being a pretty darn good liar. I wish I could be proud of something else, but I was good at being in an A. How horrible :-(

My AP or should I say xAP was not married, never had been, no children, but had a SO he did not live with. I do not know much about her, as we never spoke about our partners. We had RULES, no personal talk, no feelings, just fun.

We unfortunatly work together, but luckly we were not like two peas in a pod, didn't socialise at work, have lunch together, and barely spoke at work unless it was work related. So there will be no colleagues wondering or talking about us - I'm happy I don't have to deal with that as well. Also he travels with his job, so half the time he's not in the office - another thing I'm gratefull for.

Our A was a PA, though with no sex, never even close, just kissing, touching, and a lot of SMS's & IM'ing. It was me that got the idea of the A into his head, I set up the rules, and he went for it. He was not good looking, not tall enough for me, and much to old, but he showed me attention and told me all the right things, and I felt I was pretty, smart and sexy - I guess after 2 children it was nice to know I was still attractive.

As time went on, I felt it was me waiting for him to send that sms, IM me, weekends with no contact, unless he was travelling and bored, then he would break the weekend NC rule as it suited him. I never complained, because I loved any attention I got from him. I wanted more time alone with him, but he kept putting me off, making me wait and leading me along. I couldn't understand why someone that looked like him wasn't trying to be with someone who looked like me all the time. As time went by I started feeling like he was the one starting to feel better and better about himself as a result I started feeling worse and worse about myself. I was just a toy he played with, and I had to be there when it suited him. If I asked him to meet me, he would always tell me no, he was busy with work - he called the shots.

Every time I stopped it, he always said he was sorry, would respect my choice, but would miss me - and how bad he felt. I fell for it 2 times, and told him we could give it another chance.

This time, I had enough, He was travelling and started SMS'ing me while he was at the bar, then there was a long break

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:13am
Dear Going On, welcome to EAS! You say that you're hoping for a little strength? Well you've come to the right place! We can offer you the strength of 100s of women who have successfully ended their As. With the wisdom of our healing library and the support of the wonderful people here you CAN do this.

I know that because three months ago, I sat where you are now. Feeling the awful pain of withdrawing from the toxic addiction of a six year A, wondering how I would ever be able to move on, afraid that I didn't have the strength to say no if he contacted me. And now, thanks to EAS and the magic of NC, I am free! Feeling more peace and joy than I have in years. And my H and kids are so happy to have me fully present in their lives again.

You deserve SO MUCH MORE than being someone's option of last resort when there are no other cute chicks to talk to. And your family deserves so much more too. As you say, you're a tough girl and you WILL be a better person when you get through this.

Going on - you're the fourth woman to join our community in two days. I hope that you, grl friday, WAM and RTMO will encourage and support each other through these tough first few weeks. It makes a huge difference to have some buddies walking this path with you.

Read as much as you can in the healing library and check in often to let is know how you're doing.

Big hugs and smiles from Australia.

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:03am
"You deserve SO MUCH MORE than being someone's option of last resort when there are no other cute chicks to talk to"

I love this because 4 days out, I now realize that I was his last resort.. The one chick that paid attention to him when no one else was.. When I look back and see how insecure my xOM was, I realize that this is the very reason he got involved with a married women to begin with.. I was that last resort chic.. Oh well, those are his issues not mine.. I can't worry about the how's and why's of how he got involved with me.. Its my side of the street that I need to keep clean now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:20am

Hi Katniss!

Thank you for your warm welcome - it feels like a lifeline right now!

If I was in a healthy relationship that went wrong, I could call my mum, talk to a friend and recieve comfort

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:28am

She is right! We do DESERVE so much more - and strangly enough in previous relationships I always let myself be treated with the upmost respect

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:36am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 8:26am
um - excuse me? How about not having an affair, period. There is no next affair.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 8:40am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:12am
k - why are you here? She's here because she ended. This board is about ending and since she's done that , this board will support her during this time. A endings are much like a death - and we all grieve the "feel goods", even tho they were nothing but lies. I'm not sure what your story is - but since you clearly have a bit of anger I'll venture to guess you've had someone cheat on you. I've been both the cheater as well as the BS - so I can say that until you've walked a mile in endings shoes - perhaps you need a different board.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:36am

Hi My Name is K!

Thanks for your repy!

I can tell you

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:56am

HA!

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