I failed ...
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| Tue, 12-22-2009 - 10:59pm |
So, I did great all day. My first day. I even stayed at work late. Yahoo has this IM function when you log in to check your mail, whoever is in your contacts appears. I saw him off and on again all day. I never talked to him. It was great. Then, I dont know what happened. I went shopping (which i hate) and it just consumed me. Why hasnt he called, or commented etc.
So, I called. He was very distant and non emotional. He said htat when he saw my name pop up, he almost dropped the phone he was so surprised. I asked him how his day was and he didnt respond. Just monotone.
Then he said that yesterday, he cant really remember anything. He snapped at his wife and now she is bithcing. I said well, I was just calling to make sure we are on the same page, (we are on a board together and have to interact very frequently cme Jan 5 on an event coming up on Jan 30) Ive distanced myself as much as I can as far as the interaction and am letting him handle everything.
He said that he was surprised because everything had been fine,t hen i left him that message. I told him that i had wanted to tell him in person but that oppirtunty wouldnt come for about a week,s o i felt it was best to do it asap. maybe leaving it on voicemail wasnt the best, but it had to be done.
i asked him how he felt because i hadnt heard from him. he said that every time he went to pick up the phone, send an im, a text, an email, he had nothing to say because everythign I had said to him was true. He said that i spoke so definitively there was nothing he could say. nothing. i felt a bit weak hearing him say that. I showed my weakness by calling him.
The good thing i guess is that i didnt cry. i didnt ask him to change. i didnt say if you love me .... fill in the blanks. i didnt do it. everytime i thougth id cry. i just wouldnt speak till icould get a hold of myself.
he said you were so sure and everything made such sense and he knows it is the right thing to do. he said a friend once told him that some people will just live an unhappy life due to the dec8sions they make. he said he will die with a frown on his face. i laughed and said, its a choice. if you choose to be unhappy, then you will be. it also made me think that maybe things arent that bad at home. he said it is what it is

AAE,
Okay, so you feel like you failed. We've all been there a few times and the only thing to do to redeem yourself is to make sure you don't "fail" again in your eyes. NC=No new hurts. You will read that a lot on here. Sadly, as what happens to many of us, we end our affairs only to stare at the phone or the computer hoping they will contact us and say all those things you were hoping for. Well, it just doesn't happen. Those
~Iddy~
Hi AAE,
I read your story in another forum. Lots of great advice there.
There are a lot of emotions involved and that makes it very hard but nothing you can say in a vm or in person will change anything.
Welcome. Stay and read especially in the Healing Library which is
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
So, I was working on our website and getting the stuff together for our event. Ive been exchanging emails with everyone regarding this, he does the technical side of it.
Ive always been good at not letting our affair get in the way of our organization. That was something he admired and hated at the same time because he had a hard time pretending that there wasnt something between us.
So, he called. He even put me on speaker. I kept it so professional. I didnt show any excitement, nor voice inflections. My heart was breaking as I heard his kids in the background and he even seemed happier. Happier, I could hear it in his voice that he was happy.
Ive been reading a lot and it says that often times, they are happy ... to an extent. That bull he told me last night about dying with a frown on his face seems comical at this point. He even threw some personal comments in our conversation like, " You dont always have to be so perfect." in a teasing voice. I paused. Regrouped and asked what I needed to and then got off the phone.
I am sad that he is happy, when I am so sad. But the truth hurts, and I knew the fire would burn when I reached into it. Now, I have to let it ache, itch, scab over. My antibiotic is ya'll. Ill put it on every day so it wont get re-infected! lol. That has to make you smile. :)
You said "I am sad that he is happy."
I think as women we just make too many assumptions that we know what they are thinking by their actions...
If you were having a professional meeting, he is doing his job by doing his job.... I am sad inside, but if I had to have a work related conversation w/ xAP involved my emotions, tone, behaviour, etc. would not necessarily be what/who I am really at that moment....
Hi AAE,
I can imagine that it was
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks for your responses, it helps me a great deal. I just got off the phone with him. Ive had a bad day, a check was stolen for our organization out of my car. I was freaking out. I sent him a text after I talked to our sponsor and he called almost immediately.
I began to tell him what had transpired and then I stopped. His kids were so loud, then it got quieter. I believe he went out to his car. I gave him the quick version and when he asked me another question. I said, I know you dont have the time to listen. He said, if you have time to talk, i have the time to listen. His voice actually softened. Oh, man. Hearing that made my heart rush...
I finished my story about the check. what to do. how it was explained. he gave me his opinion. And then he walked back in the house, his kids are soooo loud. And actually got snappy with me when asking me how to deal with an rude email another board member had just sent. I thought about calling him out on it but decided not to. She (his wife) must be around. I cant believe he got a bit bitchy with me, after the day Ive had with work and the non profit we volunteer for. (both are linked because its my work that donated the 1,000 ... and it was not a very good day at work) Plus, it hinders future donations which I was depending on for another event in Feb.
So, I let him talk for a min and I got another call coming through. I cut him off, told him I would take care of the mis information and send out an email and that I had to let him go because another call was coming in that I had to take.
:) I feel good. I didnt cave in. I didnt cave in. Love yall lots. I think Ill sleep in jammies
Hi AAE,
<<:) I feel good. I didnt cave in. I didnt cave in.>>
No you didn't and...maybe...you can change your screen name to something along those lines. Time for something more positive for you!
This is your victory today! Sleep well in your jammies knowing that!
Big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.