I FAILED - Day 2 NC
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| Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:35am |
This is my confession: I failed, miserably. I failed myself, my family and all of you. I made it to almost 5 months of NC when I reached a difficult period in my personal life. He got wind of that and contacted me. The first contact I remained strong, or so I thought, but when he contacted me again and told me that he cared about me and that he wanted to help me, I caved. I was weak. I wanted so badly to believe him, I wanted the escape from my RL. I jumped back into that fire after having been burned thrice before, will I never learn?
Now I sit here trying to get out this confession in the hopes that it will be cathartic and keep me going because I honestly have never felt this horrible before. Ever. I'm disgusted with myself, that I allowed him to use me for his validation. How could I have been so stupid to think that I was actually important to him, that he needed me. I'm wallowing in my grief and I feel so

MB,
Just get back up on that horse again and start riding out of A-town lickity-split!
~Iddy~
missbennet,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Miss B-
My heart aches for you. I am so sorry you find yourself back in this dark place. I urge you to write yourself a letter... today, don't wait. Write about your pain, your regret, everything. And keep it nearby to remind yourself that letting him back in only leads to more pain and heartache. I am sure you are not the first one to give into temptation. Lords knows I went back time and time again, only to get burned worse each time- I have the scars to prove it.
Iddy is right. You have no choice but to get back up, dust yourself off and trudge through the next couple of days/weeks/months on this road to recovery. You know once again what going back does and one of these days, you will use that knowledge as fuel to propel you forward. And if you fake it till you make, you will come out on the other side.
This road to recovery is long and full of winding curves and steep hills. The good thing is, you don't have to do this alone, because you have the strength of this community behind you. And when you get too tired or weak to carry on yourself, we will pick you up and help you make it one more minute/day/week.
You can do it Miss B. You can. You know what to expect ahead. You know all of the stages, so bunker down and get to work.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Miss Bennett,
Ok, stop the beat down...enough. Ok, you messed up. Ok, you learned now right? Enough? Yep. So now as our CL said, dust yourself off as best you can and get on the NC path again, 2 days is better than none.
U really need to stick around. STAY HERE. Come here with those personal issues. Sure we are an EAS boad, but many come here with other issues and concerns. Also, we would have told you to not contact him. We would have supported you. We would have said what we already know him to be...selfish. He was looking for the "in" and we would have spotted that and called it for what it was and possibly saved you the time of another DO OVER....
But now you know, right? It's over and time to heal. Come here and post here regularly. U can not do this alone. Hang in there. I will be here thinking of you. Stop being hard on yourself. Now you need to be your best friend. U need to start to have confidence in you....it's not easy but will come in time.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Miss B.,
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and tough love.
Yes, I know what I need to do. I know exactly what I will go through in the coming days/weeks/months and I admit, right now it scares me. I was strong once but I feel like I've lost that confidence in myself to be strong again. I don't want to be back at square one. I hate it here. I hate the constant struggle. Yet when I make these excuses all I can think of is that voice inside my head saying "you made your bed, now lay in it".
But one thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to keep living that life and I find myself constantly reminding myself what
Good for you in blocking him, MB. Just the fact that you
~Iddy~
Happy for your block! You mean business, good for you, do ur thang...This is big and you did it. Good for you.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida