I f*ck'ed up
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| Sun, 02-21-2010 - 2:55pm |
BIGTIME!!!
NC was broken, of course he contacted me and I bit what he was fishing for,just about a week ago. During this week of a few emails and some IM's I totally sucked right back in. But that little voice in my head was telling me 'no no you cant trust him' ~ so I wake up this morning and check his email....theres one from his g/f talking about a fight that they had. My heart fell to the floor. I am such an idoit, I believed him when I asked him if 'if his g/f knew he was contacting his ex lover?" he said he didnt have one.
Yeah, I thought I had the logic and now I find its more like a coping method of how much I hurt from him about him. Logic tells me he doesnt make me laugh, hes not faithful hes a lair and a cheat and has no remorse for any of the hurt he causes anyone. I thought about emailing the g/f, but what for? she will believe what she wants too, like I did.
Why in the hell cant I get this dude out of my system???? Just like that, 6 months of working through it and Im back to wanting him, wondering about him, day dreaming about the what ifs and maybe's. I cant believe I did this.
I feel like sitting down and getting loaded just to drown out all the AXP in my head, smoke a joint to relax and forget about everything. So many times I just feel like taking an exit and walking away from it all. This whole life and just pick up and drop off the face of the earth and start a new somewhere where no one knows me, not even myself.
I feel so discouraged that I will never be able to move on and contuine to move forward. Life is hard and I just had to go make it harder for myself.

All right...I'm not the patron saint of endings, but I can somewhat relate... I didn't get fully back "in" but had a little teetering on the edge after 3 months of VERY LC.
OK...so you went down that road AGAIN, and really against your own better judgment. You touched the proverbial hot stove and got burned. You know what to do...pick yourself up and start that NC all over again. I think you'll be stronger in your resolve this go-round...you see the "pattern"...knowledge is power :)
I don't know what else to say other than trying to numb
I agree with what HHTB wrote, 100%. Seems like this last week many of you have fallen off of the wagon and I am just plum tired of repeating the same stuff over and over again. I will say this to you and hope OTHERS who have messed up this weekend will read it, because I'm only posting this once:
NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE UNTIL YOU DO.
AFFAIRS HURT AND DESTROY PEOPLE.
THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT.
NC=NO NEW HURTS
WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.
YOU ONLY DESERVE MORE IF YOU EARN IT, NOT TAKE IT.
I can only hope *ALL* of you come to your senses and realize that your pain is self inflicted and will only end when you've made up your mind to stop stepping on that damn rake.
That's it for me tonight!
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
dont give up on me....i know ive given up on myself and totally messed things up and Im the one to blame. It is a patteren I must break. Ive caused all of this on myself. I dont know why...maybe thats where I need to start. I need to be stronger, I need to let myself free of all the toxic engery Im putting into myself.
Tomm is day one of NC...Im so embrassed you have no idea and disappointed. I feel so ashamed. I thought I was doing so well.
dm~
No one's giving up on you, but you're going to need to really put in some hard work yourself. You're going to have to Dig deep, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul when you feel like breaking NC and you're feeling like you can't do this anymore. Tell yourself you CAN do this, over and over and over.
And you're going to have to go back and read, read and read some more on this board. Read up on all those rules of NC and remind yourself of how much damage that contact can cause. Believe in yourself, tell yourself you CAN do this, you CAN.
I posted something a little while ago (around Feb 11ish?) about 'things I gained from my T session' that day - have a read and you might be able to just take one little thing from that that will help. And read the posts about how much devastation breaking NC does - remind yourself that it will only cause more hurt and send you further into the deep dark black hole.
dm~ you are the only one that can do this...for YOU - I know I have felt so very many times that I couldn't do it, that I can't get through this, that I can't deal with this anymore, but when I make myself really THINK about the alternative I realise that I need to fight through this, and yes, it is a 'fight'. I think about the consequences of breaking NC - how I would feel, after all the work I've put in so far, how I don't even KNOW what xAP would say to me or how he would react (it's a real unknown for me as he has pretty volatile moods) so I don't want to RISK that at all, I think about how it would affect my H, who is supporting me through this (god knows how he is doing it). Yes, I can say all this stuff cos I've gotten this far. But those first few days and weeks are so worth fighting for and getting through.
dm~ you CAN do this...you really really can. It'll be sooooo worth it - it'll be he@* for a while, there'll be pain, there'll be tears, there'll be the worst possible feelings, but you need to feel those in order to get through. Sometimes you'll feel like dying, but just KEEP GOING and hold onto that goal. Living a life that's free of shame, humiliation, betrayal, hurt, lies and deceit.
Be Strong xx
Not giving up on you...we r still here. Has to be hard for are Cl- to see us older newbies and Tweens fall, she has invested a lot of time n energy in us and weknow better...we do. By now we should be setting examples for the newbies...we should be paying it forward etc..
Not implying that you have not, it's just that we all just hate to see any of us who have worked so hard fall. I fell as of late. While I didn't break NC, I read his emails n txts. Just as bad as what u did...even tho I didn't act. it's the fact that I read em, I let him back in, knowing full well what everyone has said when they come a fishing...I thought I was safe and I was not. He fished and I was unprepared and I should have deleted everything....I failed myself, let alone this board. We care around here for one another. So when you hurt yourself, we do not like it.
U been around a lot longer than me. Have read your posts for months. U have worked hard. I have admired your courage and strength and your honesty. Good for coming here, u need to stay here! Not good that you responded...but u already know that.
So like u said start again. But DO NOT let urself respond to him again. Block and change everything! Everything. No ims, no nothing.
Hugs
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I got caught up in the fansty of it. The thrill of someone else wanting me,the attention...I dont need to repete it because all of you guys know what Im talking about. Before he contacted me I truely felt like I was moving forward and starting to become happy again. I wasnt thinking of him or wanting him. I dont know why I allowed it to happen, but here I am learning the lesson the hard way once again.
Today is day one of NC again and this morning Im finding myself accepting she can have him. Ive already deleted everything(again), Ive been back down to the healing libary and now Ill contuine on with reading older posts(mine inculded).
Thank you for your support everybody
<>
Welcome back to reality, honey. Remember, them contacting us means Jack-Squat! They are just looking for an ego boost and many women interpret this as XAP wanting them again. Sure, they'll do the roll in the hay thing if we're willing to go play in the barn again. I don't know about you, but I am way past rolling around in mud and waste.
Happy to see you have boarded the NC ship again which will return you to more calmer and more peaceful waters.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Iddy- I read your message. Just wanted you to know that I read it, I got it. Thank you for your patience with us when we mess up. Thank you for repeating these things over and over. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You spend hours on these boards responding to posts. You watch the same things happen over and over. You watch newbies come and go, you watch some of us fall. I don't know how you do it. I hope you see this. :)
DM- I am walking this road with ya, girl. I messed up this weekend. Today is at least the fourth time I have gone NC. So Day 1 is again today for me. I am determined to stick with it this time. Not proud, not excited, and i don't have any illusions that this will be easy. It's more of a somber and sad knowing, and just not wanting to get hurt anymore, ya know? Anyway, you are not alone :)